LGBT Children and Matters of a Mother’s Heart

One of the major pushbacks LGBTQ people get from heterosexuals is about how their relationships are “unacceptable” “abnormal” and “unnatural”. However. Perhaps it’s time for those of us who are mothers to consider these matters according to the lens of our very own hearts. I’ll call it, the “Mother Lens“. As mothers, we are the only ones on earth who are able to give birth to all of humanity. (How absolutely freaking incredible is that!) Considering this. I declare that perhaps it’s time we look a little deeper about what really are the unacceptable, abnormal, and unnatural matters of a mother’s heart. Especially when it comes to her own LGBTQ children. Because the truth of the matter is. Only we alone would know!

There is no escaping the ideas, opinions, and (sometimes even dictates and guidelines) from others. To say we are often bombarded is probably an understatement. Solicited and unsolicited advice about how we are to exist in the world in relation to those around us is constant. And when it comes to mothering. There is no shortage of people outside of us unwilling to assert themselves into our lives to make sure we are “good” mothers and that we go in the “right” direction and stay on the “right” path when it comes to our children.

What is the Right Thing For a Mother To Do?

Unfortunately, for mothers of LGBTQ children. Far too many are told by the keepers of the moral code, whom I note, are usually never mothers themselves. And certainly not mothers of our children. That when it comes to their LGBTQ child (or children). The appropriate or “right thing to do” is to reject, abandon, and sometimes even abuse (physically, verbally, or both) the very child or children a mother has birthed into the world. A devastating blow for every child who has had (or at this very moment) is having to live through such a horrible experience.

Although often overlooked and ignored by the keepers of the moral code. This is a critically important perspective when considering the matters of a mother’s heart. In a normal healthy family environment (because we know not all environments are normal and healthy). Such a choice to reject, abandon, or abuse (physically or verbally) one’s own child is detrimental to the relationship between a mother and the child. It would be not an easy choice to make by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it would go against every primal instinct.

First…A Look at the Acceptable, Normal and Natural Role of a Mother

Regardless of your chosen belief system surrounding when life begins, and the purpose of sexuality and reproduction. One irrefutable fundamental (and scientific) fact. Is that it’s inside the body of a woman, where eggs, fertilized by sperm produce the miracle by which all little humans are birthed into the world.

It is inside the bodies of us women who choose to carry full-term pregnancies. Where little humans essentially take over our bodies for months. Being nurtured. Developing. And growing inside of us until they have developed enough to sustain life on the outside of the comfortable and secure space that is a mother’s womb.

During the time of pregnancy in normal circumstances. There’s a special bond created between a mother and her child. It is primal. Mothers are sometimes referred to as “mama bears” because of the natural tendency to be very protective of their children. This description applied because of their willingness to do anything they can for their children until they have proven they can fend for themselves. A mother’s natural instincts are to protect her children at all costs. This is an acceptable, normal, and natural role for a mother.

Going Against the Grain Type of Mothering is Required

As a proud member of BMIST (Black Mothers In Support Tribe) One thing I’ve learned from my own personal experience. Is that when it comes to having LGBTQ children. Going against the grain type of mothering is required. Unfortunately, this type of mothering is seemingly rare. Especially within the Black community.

Although I have had past conversations with other Black mothers who either suspect (or know) they have an LGBTQ child (or children). The modus operandi for such conversations is usually incognito. I’ve listened to mothers who are torn between unconditionally loving their child and remaining faithful to a belief system that requires them to do otherwise.

And honestly, I get it! There is absolutely no judgment and no shade here. Only hope for a better tomorrow for the sake of Black LGBTQ children everywhere. I mean, I think we all know from our varied life experiences how difficult it is to go against the grain of any matter whether consciously or unconsciously. Going against the grain of established religious, social, and cultural norms and expectations could be likened to coming up against an invisible tsunami. One destined to cover you completely. Only residing after reaching the shallow waters of your surrendered return to prior conformity. It’s a hard “row to hoe” and there is no getting around it.

But…Guess What? We Can Do Hard Things

As Black mothers who’ve been uniquely chosen to parent LGBTQ children. There is, (as Oprah would say) “one thing I know for sure”. We can do hard things. We always have. The real question is not “if” we can do it. But rather, “will” we choose to do it for the sake of our own LGBTQ children (both young and old). Will we do the “hard thing” despite all the pushback we may receive from others who are not, and can never be our child’s mother?

Or…will we go against our primal instinct and instead detach from, abandon, or abuse (emotionally, verbally, or physically) our LGTBQ child forever? This, I assert describes what the “unacceptable”, abnormal and unnatural matters of a mother’s heart really are.

It is always sobering when I think about how often and how long we (as women and mothers in general) have had our bodies and the gifts that our bodies yield controlled by the mandates of rigid social mores. Strongholds from ancient times that remain even now in the 21st century. The current political environment here in the USA is a reminder of how the desire to control the bodies of women remains a high priority.

Then What Shall We Do When The Choice is in Our Hands?

Of course, only the mother of an LGBTQ child truly knows within herself what she will do. BMIST is only here to offer encouragement and support for anyone who might need it. So in pondering what really are the unacceptable, abnormal, and unnatural matters of a mother’s heart. Here is the encouragement I would like to offer you today:

1. Do the hard thing because you can! Embrace the “Going against the grain type of mothering” style when it comes to your LGBTQ child.

2. Make the choice to accept and unconditionally love your LGBTQ child as who and how they are in the world.

3. Reach out for the support you need whenever you need it because although it might seem like it at times. You are not alone!

And most importantly!

Remember…the choices you make about how you will relate to your LGBTQ child are ultimately in your hands. Learn to trust the strength, courage, and wisdom that resides in and through you more than anything that comes externally. You got this! And know that BMIST is here for you and holding space for you in hopes that soon you’ll join with us as we continue to encourage and support all Black Mothers of LGBTQ children!

Much Love & Peace,

Carla Dee, BMIST Founder (#NotAn LGBTQexpertJustAMother)