‘Bad Children’ don’t exist

The idea of a "bad child" is a painfully outdated and harmful concept. And one that I pray ends with my generation.

Children are not inherently bad or evil; they are still developing and learning about the world around them. Their behaviours and actions are influenced by a wide range of factors, including their environment, upbringing, experiences, and emotional development.

When a child exhibits challenging or difficult behaviour, it is crucial to look beyond surface judgments and seek to understand the underlying reasons behind their actions. These reasons can vary and may include stress, trauma, emotional struggles, or a need for attention or guidance.

Instead of labelling a child as "bad," it is far more productive to adopt a compassionate and empathetic approach. By providing understanding, support, and appropriate guidance, we can help children navigate their emotions, learn from their experiences, and develop positive coping mechanisms.

Children are constantly learning and growing and just like us they require a safe and nurturing environment to flourish. Positive reinforcement, open communication, setting clear boundaries, and being good role models can all contribute to helping children develop into emotionally healthy and responsible individuals.

What has been labelled as ‘bad’ behaviour is typically a refusal to comply or a child’s inability to regulate their emotions. If a child cannot regulate their emotions and they are berated by a role model who also has this inability, what will the result be?

A child who grows up suppressing or hiding those negative emotions, for they know that their caregiver will disconnect from them (at best) or abuse them for displaying these. The physical and mental toll of this suppression becomes clear throughout teenage years and especially in adulthood. If this remains unchecked into midlife then disease is inevitable. Suppressed anger can be very clearly linked to cancer, for example.

By replacing judgment with understanding and support, we can foster their growth and well-being in a positive and compassionate way. Forcing our will onto them and then calling them “bad” for not complying is extremely damaging to the precious bond of trust that exists between parent and child. It also teaches a child that it has no autonomy over and saying no is meaningless.

What kind of adult do you suppose that a child raised in such a way will grow into? A people pleasing, self abandoning person with no ability to say no and have the expectation that their choice will be respected? An adult who feels the only way to avoid confrontation or anger of another is to deny their own wants and needs?

Which all translates as a recipe for disaster when that person tries to have any meaningful connections as an adult. Because we all know how undesirable those traits are in people.

Bad parenting, however? Well that appears to be the biggest epidemic we face as a society. There is most certainly a majority of unconscious adults who have children as a means to ease their own attachment issues or simply because it’s a societal norm to couple and then have children. Many parents are still undeveloped and traumatised children themselves who suddenly find themselves on a role they had no true understanding of.

If a person does not own something for themselves, how can they give it away? If an adult does not possess safety, confidence, self esteem, health and love then how can they expect to raise a child to have these? It’s not possible. And so there is the vicious circle. Unconscious adults raising unconscious children who grow up to repeat the cycle all over again.

Isn’t it quite absurd that in most modern societies we need to complete a qualification to look after other people’s children and yet we receive no training whatsoever to have a child in our house 24/7. We have this very warped idea that a child is somehow owned by us and that having sex qualifies us to spend around 18 years nurturing that child into a healthy, happy, balanced adult. I strongly feel this is a discussion point that we should be opening up.

I mean, thinking about it, we need a licence to drive a car, right? We need special training to make sure we don’t harm ourselves or others out there on the road. We need special licences to advise people on health or their mental health and yet we can have an entire human being to train for the most informative years of it’s life with no training whatsoever.

I want to make it clear that this article is most definitely not for the purpose of criticising parents who have found themselves caught in this perpetual generational cycle. After all, they are a product of their own upbringing. Which was entirely dependent upon who their parents were. Which was dependent upon their upbringing. And so on, so on.

This is not about those of us without children pointing any finger of judgement or blame towards those who have. This is about having conversations to raise awareness for all of us. To learn how we can better support each other through community. To better understand how we can all do more to help raise the next generations on this earth to far surpass us in every way possible. This should be the goal we all share.

However, it is also essential to acknowledge that there are indeed parents who exhibit harmful, abusive and neglectful behaviour which will significantly impact a child's well-being and development. This kind of unconscious parenting can take various forms including physical abuse, emotional neglect, a lack of proper care, connection and affection, inconsistent attention and discipline (which is a whole topic in itself), exposure to unhealthy environments and poor role modelling, to name but a few examples.

‘Bad’ parenting has definite and long-lasting effects on a child's mental, emotional, and physical health. It may lead to low self-esteem, behavioral issues, difficulties in forming healthy relationships, and even lasting trauma. Undoing that damage can take a person decades to do. And that’s for the lucky ones who become aware of their trauma. One of the worst kinds of trauma that can be inflicted on a child is indeed neglect. With abuse the child grows into an adult who is typically aware of the trauma they suffered whereas a neglected child can grow into an adult who spends a lifetime suffering with no insight as to what they are missing. Because how do you know what you didn’t receive?

(Please note that I am aware there is no one rule for all and that this is a generalisation of what is most typical. There are vast combinations of the above mentioned and all result in severe damage and a long road to recovery)

How do we prevent or fix this?

Well there is no easy answer to this. The saying that it takes a village to raise a child should always be kept in mind, because it should involve a village. This churning out of children to become accessories to a marriage, lifestyle or indididual has and is creating a world filled with unconscious, medicated and disease ridden people. (The statistics fully back up this awful statement).

‘Western’ societies attempt to address unconscious parenting through various means such as educational programs, support systems, and intervention strategies. Social services, community organizations, and mental health professionals play a vital role in identifying and assisting families in need of support and guidance. But resources are increasingly stretched, and these professionals are often only able to attempt interventions in the most extreme cases.

Helping parents to develop healthy parenting skills, providing resources for personal growth and creating safe environments for children are critically needed. This is something that we all have unique approaches to and unique skills to offer. There is no one or best way.

What I am saying is that we all need to care about this. We need to view all children that we interact with as we would view our ‘own’ children. We need to see when parents are overwhelmed and offer them help in any way we can. Should it matter if they are a stranger? We need kindness, compassion and empathy. We must model the behaviour that we want to see in the world.

Offering your loving attention and words of support can be profoundly life altering. What can cost you only a small amount of attention and minutes of your day could raise the spirits of someone for hours, days, weeks or even months.

You don’t even need to speak to them. Just standing close by and holding strong in your loving energy will help greatly. Yes you will likely absorb some of their negative vibration but isn’t it better that you do rather than a precious child? I suggest this with situations in mind where I have been too scared to intervene or haven’t known what to say. Just remember, if you as an adult are scared to step in, how do you imagine the child will feel?

We have all seen those parents in supermarkets screaming at their children. Moving far away is often our first reaction. Looking with scorn and judgement is the choice of some. But imagine if we could do better than than?

Imagine if we could say something that could diffuse the situation or at the engage the child in a way that is non threatening to the parent. This is far easier to do if there are two of you present as you could each engage parent and child simultaneously.

We often have this idea that someone should do something but very few of us realise that we are actually that someone. We all have a role to play in raising awareness about the importance of positive parenting practices and creating a culture that supports and empowers parents to be responsible caregivers.

Addressing harmful parenting requires a collective effort from all of us to ensure that all children have the opportunity to grow up in as loving, nurturing, and safe environment as possible.