Baby sleep

Not even 24 hours after writing my last article, it got harder.

I’m writing this at 5:30am. I’ve been awake for 2 hours with my daughter who, until tonight, has mostly slept through the night; only waking to comfort nurse or actually eat. But at 3:30 this morning, she decided it was time to wake up. After rocking, bouncing, and pacing with her for an hour and a half, only to get a couple yawns and then some babbling, I conceded defeat and made a barrier in the bed and laid back down. But I won’t sleep again. We’re up for the day, and I have 16+ more hours until I can even THINK about sleeping again.

When you bring home a new baby, it feels like a lot of people judge your ability to parent based on how your child sleeps. I feel like the first question I got from everyone was, “well how is she sleeping?” And the answer was always something along the lines of, “pretty awful, unless she’s in my arms or in our bed.” And then I got even more judgement for not laying my baby down in her own space to sleep. I started getting loads of advice I mostly didn’t ask for, because once I accepted that Sloane wanted to sleep with her parents, sleep MOSTLY goes pretty well. I want her out of our bed, sure. I would love to get stuff done during her naps, of course. But I’m still in survival mode right now, so sleep is sleep and I take it however we can get it.

But I feel so much judgement for it. “Just let her cry,” or “put her down every once in a while,” are among some of the most common pieces of “advice” Ben and I get. “It’s not safe for her to sleep in your bed, get her out of there asap,” as if I haven’t been trying every night. I’ve done a lot of research on baby sleep, because it’s been such a sore subject for me. And the more I read, the more I learn that my baby is pretty normal. She still doesn’t quite grasp the idea of being separate from me. On top of that, she’s learning new things every single day. Her mom and dad are her safe spots, and when she’s sleeping and at her most vulnerable, she wants to know she’s somewhere safe. And I’m happy to be my baby’s safe space for now and forever. I feel like always being able to be a safe space is a huge goal of being a parent, so why am I being made to feel like I’m doing something wrong when I’m going just that?

Trust me when I say it’s not optimal. I definitely am not in a sleep situation that is meant for long term. And it is for some people, this isn’t me judging anyone who decides to contact nap or co-sleep long term. But it isn’t optimal for me. But neither is letting my baby “cry it out” for an extended period of time, or leading her to feel like I’m not there to support her when she’s exhausted.

And for goodness sake, her sleep habits ARE NOT an indication of my husband or my ability to be a good parent. I’m not a bad mom because my daughter is awake at 3:30am. I’m not a bad mom because she only wants to sleep on me during the day. My husband isn’t a bad dad for bouncing and pacing her to sleep every night. We aren’t bad parents for letting her sleep in bed with us. We do it all safely, and we provide the support our daughter is so desperately craving at the time.

So instead of your first question to a new parent being revolved around their new baby’s sleep habits, maybe it should be something more like, “how can I help you today?”