Alone

I moved into my first apartment a couple of months ago. Nineteen years old and ready to be out of the house, I found a little apartment 5 minutes away from my parent's and made it my home, along with 2 other roommates. With a crappy AC system, a washer and dryer that needs repairs, and tap water that is so undrinkable we either get bottled water or use a water filter.... it was perfect. I felt more than ready to have my own place.

The first couple weeks were amazing. I didn't have to worry about the things I did while living with my parents, like cleaning the nitty gritty things every single day and asking for permission to go places. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. Just the way they live their daily lives and the way I like living my daily life clash a little bit. I was so happy I got to make my own rules. However, about a month in, I started feeling really upset every day. It took about two weeks after that to realize that I was lonely and homesick.

My whole life I've had a big family, so my whole life if I was bored or wanted someone to talk to, there was someone I could go to. But since moving in, I don't have someone to talk to every day. I'm best friends with one of my roommates and I get to talk to her every day, but that's not the loneliness I'm feeling. I missed my family. I missed the loudness of the house, the feeling of knowing I could go to my parents or sisters if I needed to rant about something. But in my apartment, I'm alone a lot. So if I have a problem, I'm on my own.

Of all the hurdles I thought I would have to jump through when moving out, loneliness is not one of them. I've always been somewhat of a loner, and when I lived with my family I would spend a lot of time in my room because I preferred to be by myself. But choosing to be by yourself in a house full of people is so different than actually being on your own. If I was bored of being alone at my parents, I could simply come out of my room and interact with someone. Now in my apartment, I have to just deal with the boredom.

I'm best friends with one of my roommates and I love her with my whole heart. We have days filled with laughter and fun, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. With that however, comes with the fact that we are adults with separate lives and we don't get to see each other every single day. Which is normal, obviously. We both have jobs and commitments and blah blah blah. I just didn't realize that we really don't get to hang out as much as I'd like to since moving in together. I just hate feeling that way because I know it's neither of our faults, and I feel so incredibly selfish for feeling that way.

I have a phone. I know I can call my family whenever I need to. But I can't call them every day. I know I have to be an adult and learn how to be alone sometimes. But I can't get rid of this overwhelming sense of isolation, and I 100% am working on that. But if you're reading this, I guess the conclusion is, if you have people in your life who love and care about you, take advantage of that. You never know when you'll be in the same boat as me.