Active Listening in Relationships: A Practical Guide for Couples

Your partner tells you about something that happened to them today. As they begin to tell you about it, your mind has moved ahead to the next thing you want to say to them—be it advice, an explanation, sympathy, etc. Well-meaning as this may be, your partner will likely feel that you haven't listened to them.

Practicing active listening with your partner involves listening to them, reflecting back what you've heard, and then responding appropriately. It doesn't require you to accept what they say, nor accept any blame. It simply requires you to take the time to hear what your partner has to say before you form your response.

Whether you're having a casual chat or addressing an area of tension, frustration, or resentment, you can apply the following steps to improve your listening:

Allow the conversation space to happen

Before your partner gets to their key point, it's good to check you are available to listen. This might involve pausing a current activity or acknowledging that you're feeling too emotionally activated to listen at that point.

You can say to your partner:

"Can we discuss this in 10 minutes? I'll put my phone down."

or

"I'm willing to listen to you now but am feeling flooded. Would it be okay to take a break and reconvene?"

Provided you don't use 'pausing' to disengage entirely, and offer a reasonable time to resume the discussion, this is a healthy response.

Once you and your partner are free to focus on your conversation, clear away distractions and orient yourself towards your partner (no need to make intense eye contact or sit opposite each other). Indicate to them that you are happy for them to take as long as they need.

Withhold your response

Often, our partner will disclose something that we feel we have some justification to push back on. We may find ourselves thinking ahead to the part of their statement where we disagree or feel aggrieved, and may seek to interrupt to defend ourselves, clarify what we meant or did, or highlight what they did wrong.

Withhold your response until your partner has finished their sentence or thought. Be aware of any impulses to speak, but not every impulse warrants action! Take note of what they are disclosing and the impact that is having for them.

Your partner may disclose:

"I felt very left out of our dinner last night. When I was trying to share my day with you, you were constantly on your phone."

You may think to respond:

"I was replying to one email from work and it only took a couple of minutes."

This may be true and relevant to the conversation, but you've failed to respond to your partner's disclosure. You can first reflect back:

"You were trying to share something about your day and I left you feeling alone."

and can then share your perspective afterwards. By doing so, you aren't forfeiting your place in the conversation, but are allowing both you and your partner the opportunity to be heard.

Reflect what you have heard

By briefly summarizing what your partner has disclosed, you indicate to them you are following along. You can reflect back a condensed version of their statement. Ensure you don't mirror their statement back word-for-word or imply a judgment on their behavior or feelings.

You can reflect back to your partner:

"I can understand that you felt left out of the conversation when I was looking at my phone."

or

"So you felt I wasn't interested in your day and changed the conversation."

Reflecting back shouldn't be overly clever nor seek to assign blame or superiority. Simply summarize and seek clarification from your partner, e.g., "Is that roughly correct?" Your partner can affirm your understanding or clarify further.

If they elaborate on their original disclosure, allow them to do so and can say something like:

"Ah, I see. So you weren't bothered about me using my phone to reply to a work email per se, but rather felt I had lost focus on the conversation with you."

By clarifying this with your partner, you can avoid responding to a disclosure that isn't quite accurate.

Seek clarification

Your interpretation of your partner's words may differ from their intended meaning. Where appropriate, it is useful to seek clarification from your partner. Pose open-ended questions and avoid interrogating your partner.

e.g.,

"How did you find that?"

"What sorts of support are you hoping for?"

"Tell me more about what occurred."

Or reflect back to confirm:

"Have I understood you correctly that you aren't expecting me to resolve this, but would appreciate my help working towards one action point?"

Not only will this assist your partner to expand on their needs, but allow you to rectify any misinterpretations before responding to them.

Avoid leading questions which presume fault or blame, e.g., "Why didn't you tell me?", "Are you accusing me of not helping you out?" etc.

Download

A relaxed setting can make it easier to pause, listen, and ask questions.

Clarify if you want to provide advice/solution

We often want to 'fix' things when our partner comes to us feeling distressed. However, they may simply wish to be heard.

You can ask your partner if they'd prefer that you listen, brainstorm ideas with them, or take on some of their responsibilities. If they just want you to listen, you can say, "Okay, I'm all ears!" and invite them to continue.

If you wish to offer advice or solutions, you can preface with: "Here's one suggestion..." and invite your partner to accept, reject, or clarify.

For instance, if your partner states they feel stressed due to frequent changes to their family commitments, you can respond: "I hear that you've been continually having to change your arrangements and are feeling stressed by this. Would you prefer to talk it through, or would it be beneficial to re-plan your week?"

You have validated their frustration and sought their preference as to how you can be most helpful to them.

Putting it all together...

Your partner may say to you: "I feel I'm always the one organizing things over the weekend, reminding you about what we need to buy/prepare for your family, etc."

You may feel a flash of irritation as you've done some of those things and wish to refute this ("Well, I've done x,y,z"). However, try to pause and reflect back your understanding:

"You're holding a lot in your mind regarding the weekend and feel I haven't helped much with that?"

Your partner may respond:

"Yeah, I suppose I've had to organize all of that and prompt you as well."

At this stage, you can understand that the grievance isn't limited to the actions you have done or not done, but that you are prompting them. You can therefore ask your partner:

"I understand. Would it be useful if I took ownership of organizing [insert] and [insert], proactively, without you needing to prompt me?"

Your partner may agree, disagree, or elaborate, but you can at least engage with a more defined request. And importantly, you have not conceded that you haven't done anything!

Some pitfalls to be mindful of:

• Interrupting to correct/clarify minor details: allow your partner to complete their thought, then you can address this if necessary.

• Minimizing your partner's complaint in relation to your own ("My day was worse"): resist the urge to compare experiences and acknowledge your partner's feelings.

• Reassuring too soon: "It's not a big deal and everything will be okay" can minimize the difficulty your partner is experiencing. Try acknowledging that it's difficult for them instead.

• Assuming what your partner means: check in with them rather than assuming you know what they are trying to convey or feel.

• Assuming you have to agree with your partner to demonstrate that you have listened to them.

Where possible, if you realize you've interrupted or spoken defensively, invite your partner to continue sharing their thoughts or feelings: "Sorry I interrupted; please continue..."

To practice:

Agree with your partner to spend 10 minutes discussing a low-stakes element of your day. One partner talks and the other actively listens. The listener should then reflect back to their partner what they have understood and invite clarification.

Swap over after a few minutes. Try not to overthink the content or seek to evaluate whose listening was better or worse.

Active listening won't eliminate all points of contention between you and your partner, but it may help you ascertain what they are requesting from you. Try to focus on listening and checking your understanding of their disclosure.

For more practical relationship advice, visit Clearer Connections.