ABORTION BY DESIGN

I really did not think this would happen to me! The test is meant to take about 3 minutes until it is absolutely clear. But this is way quicker and those 2 lines are very clear… I am gasping for breath.. Coughing. And laughing at the same time! Clearly absolutely confused! I am pregnant!

It was just days ago when I was in a cafe with my friends joking about it as I was late on my period. But I was under a lot of stress at the time and I had a cyst as well on my back so I ended up taking antibiotics for 10 days. I simply thought that it would come at its own time. It would...about 9 months later, after I give birth to a child!

I got out of the bathroom and I sat on the floor in front of a mirror and I started crying. This is a game changer. Quite confronting. And I thought about it before in my life, but it is a different story when the test goes positive.

I am 32 so I am kinda old enough. But I am living as an international student in a foreign country. No PR in sight. I have no place of my own, I sleep on my friends' coaches at the moment. I have only a few hundred bucks in my account. I have a job I don’t want to do. And another one that I work at on a good word. And the guy, I have seen him twice in my life. Could the timing be more fucked? Not really, hmmm…

Life has an incredible way to deliver its lessons.

Have you heard about the metaphor feather - brick & truck? It goes like this. Life is happening FOR you at all times. And the universe helps you. It sends you little feathers to guide you on your path - hearing about the same book 3 times, messages on radio saying words that touch you, people randomly coming to your life delivering wisdom. It is everywhere. But we are pretty deaf and blind. So when you don’t listen, the universe turns up the volume and sends you a brick - you get sick, you get into a fight, your car breaks. It is stuff that stops you in your flow and makes you listen a bit more. It affects you. But then we still don’t listen. So trucks come! Serious illness, break up, bankruptcy or pregnancy!

This was my truck!

I did not listen!

I was going on with my life as if I was to be in my 20’s forever. I was reckless. I was living in Lalaland. I was not focused. I was far from doing what I SAID I wanted. But I spoke many words in vain.

So here we are.

But THIS IS NOT a story of a complete FAILURE and despair.

In fact this is a story of the most transformational moment of my life. One that I TURNED INTO THE BIGGEST GIFT of my life!

No kidding! I am super grateful for all that has happened and how I managed to turn it into a gift rather than a failure. I wish there were more stories of abortions that don’t end with women feeling empty and guilty for the rest of their lives. And I also wish that we more understood the CHOICE we have in every experience in life - one to submit or to TURN IT into WHATEVER WE WANT.

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I WOKE UP!

I got snapped out of my lethargy about life. Out of my complacency to what is. Out of my victimhood to what my life looks like. This was carrying the label ‘Urgent’.

One thing about pregnancy - there is no time to spare. If you want to have the choice about what the rest of your life will look like, you need to decide within a certain time frame. You cannot procrastinate. You cannot avoid making the decision because that means you are making the decision anyway. You cannot be indecisive.

Everything in me got alert! I'm either gonna wake up and use everything that I have learned so far in personal development and my spiritual work. Or I will have to bear the consequences. I got clear on that pretty quickly.

So after I cried all the grief and self-pity out (you bet I had plenty and I gave it a few days long ugly cry), I took a deep breath and started to look for the answers.

And I do this thing on my Bday every year. I write a list of things that I want to experience. List as long as the number of rounds around the sun I have made that year. It is a game of intention. And it is beautiful to see how much can happen when you are clear and you actually pursue actions to create what you desire.

So I started to think about this process...

Number 1 - Decide for yourself what do you want

I knew from the start that I wanted other people involved and around me, including the guy. But I wanted to know where I stand first. At the end of the day, I am the one who will have to be there, who will be called ‘mumma’. So I gave myself a week to ponder, turn, explore, contemplate, cry, be angry, be emotional… whatever I needed to decide. And let me tell you - no one ever warned me about how early on your hormones will be messed up! My whole body was already set on protecting the child! Nature’s way to preserve life.

But I needed to be extraordinarily honest with myself. I am in survival mode! I sleep on people’s coaches. I can handle this but I don’t know how. I can deal with the pregnancy. I can figure out how to take care of a child as I have taken care of other kids….

Do you see the language?!?!

I can HANDLE IT

I can DEAL with it

I can FIGURE it out..

I was using survival language..

I don’t want to have a child in survival mode! I want it by DESIRE. Because the child is wanted. Because I am full power to do it. I am fully on board.

No one deserves to be born to be handled or to be dealt with…

I can’t do it.

I had my answer. The answer for me.

Number 2 - Talk to the guy

Now this was an interesting one. I knew I had to do it to live with myself. I value honesty. I have done open relating, talking to people about me having sex with someone else. I cannot keep it to myself and then see him and forever shut up about it.

And he deserves to know. To be part of the decision. I wanted to hear his opinion. Open to discussion although I was pretty strong in my decision.

But there was a problem - I was brought up with beliefs that guys are nasty and angry when they find out about unwanted pregnancies, especially after random encounters as we had. So here is me DESIGNING my experience - I decided to call one of my friends first, male friend. To talk to him so I can go through it once, be received with love to then have more courage with the father of the child.

I called. And it was the best thing. Not only was I held, heard, supported. He also shared more of his experience and was so clear on droppin SHAME about being in such a situation. This simply happens. It is part of life. There is no shame to be held. No drama to be created. Exactly what I needed to hear.

So the next day, I was scared but I called the guy <3

He answered, he was surely surprised but he was calm and receptive. Actually he was really grateful that I did tell him because as it showed up he has a son and he was not given a chance to say anything the first time. My courage paid off. And even changed his experience! Wow! It felt sooo good!

But abortion it was. This was not in his plan either.

Number 3 - Be supported

We choose our friends! We can totally choose who we talk to. So I did one thing brilliantly - I only spoke to people that I know absolutely love me! Noone else!

I chose the people I called to confide in, to ask for emotional support. And all I heard was - whatever you need, call me, even if it is 3am in the morning! All of them! I felt so safe. So grateful. Every single person showed up for me at the perfect time! I was never alone. I had no brutal breakdowns. I felt love all along <3

4 - Be loving instead of resentful

Now this one is little woo woo but right up my ally!

I accepted the child as a soul coming to be part of my life. There would be some reason for the time now. And so I did not want to neglect it, resent it and just send it away. And my friend told me the same - “Just talk to the child and negotiate. It is just not the time.”

So I did. I talked to it. I explained myself, my decision. And I was loving all along. I had no resentment. I wanted for this to happen but not this way. So I asked the child for forgiveness and let it go, but asking it to stay not too far for there will be another tie in the future when we can align.

Too woo woo?! Maybe. But I rather look like a lunatic than resent any life form. And God knows, maybe this was the reason I did not have to cry over it so much. For I know, I just got it postponed. I have not resented or destroyed anything. My heart feels whole.

5 - Abortion by design

Now I knew that when it comes to abortion, there are a lot of nasty stories out there about women forever regretting their decision, suffering emotional loss or falling into depression. I did not want to be one of them. And here is where my biggest MAGIC came!

I decided to do the medical abortion as I could not imagine someone just surgically sucking life out of me and that being it! It is without emotion, just business, done and dusted. No wonder you get emotional baggage after that when you avoid it there on the spot most of the time because it just gets done. Yuck!

I will take the pain of the medical one, I will lie at home, I will create a ceremony and I will allow my emotions to be in full flow. So that I let go of everything. This is going to be my REBIRTH!

I called my girlfriends. I won’t do it alone, for sure. So I texted a few and waited to see who would come through. Surrender.

Clara (fake name :P) was the one who came through. Honoured to be there for me. That is what I call friendship. In good and bad. And she even dropped this little gem - this is going to be your sacrifice on the altar of life, baby!

She was right. I was calling a ceremony. I better make it count. I am giving up the potential of life in order to live the life I dream of. I will have to make up for it!

And I held that intention - here I surrender life that is brewing in me, so that I can live life I design and not the one that was landing on me. So my promise and my commitment to the future is to live with the courage of two people to make that happen! Boom!

Clara was there the whole time, she held me when the first cramps arrived. She held me as I cried and journeyed through all various realms of existence. I was shedding all of my fears. All of my limitations. All of my inhibitions. I was laying down the sacrifice at the altar of life. Claiming life greater than my wildest dreams! Part of me was dying so new life could be born!

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This was a ceremony. I chose to turn this life challenge into something that will be absolutely beautiful! And it worked!

I have had barely any emotional baggage, hesitation about my decision or regrets. I am at peace! My task now is to LIVE FOR TWO PEOPLE <3

I also surrendered part of my blood to nature, at one particular tree at the place I was. I shall never forget!

And I would love you to know also this:

Not everything went as smoothly, especially with the guy - I haven’t talked to him about the pregnancy since our first conversation. He got triggered through his past experience and he has not shown up. And that is okay! I cannot influence someone else. It is heart-breaking. I would have it different ways but I fortunately had other men to hold me. Love to him and hopefully one day he will find the peace to actually contact me back, once he goes through his rabbit hole <3

I would have not changed it! Ever. None of this.

Because not only have I learned and fully grasped that one can design their own life. There was also this moment WORTH EVERYTHING!

I was sitting on the bench and I was playing around with the essence residing inside of me. My eyes were closed and I was just feeling it. And I let it take me.

And I got to see myself through the eyes of that essence! PURE UNIVERSAL LOVE. Unconditional Love. Inside of me. Looking at me with eyes reflecting only perfection back. I was not broken. I was not sad. I was just as I was. Uniquely perfect in my own shape and form. I felt that that is my essence. No judgement needed. No harshness. Pure acceptance. And recognition of me. I have never felt so much PEACE.

I have never seen myself so unconditionally. I have never allowed any words of unconditional love to penetrate my thick skin. I never trusted it to be true. The voice in my head telling me I am worthless was always louder and stronger.

It took a being residing inside me, creation of my own to tell me, to show me. It came from inside of me for me to hear it. I could not stop that and block that. It was part of me seeing me. I cried. And that moment keeps resonating inside of me. PURITY. LOVE. DIVINITY.

For this moment, I am forever grateful.

From this moment, I was born ANEW.

So wherever you are, know that there is magic awaiting. Take what you were given and turn those lemons into lemonade. Because you can.

Thank you for reading my pregnancy tale.

Love you x