A Letter to My Little Sister
I miss you more than words can ever express
It's crazy to think that the New Year is already quickly approaching. It actually kind of scares me if i'm being honest. I have already realized that time is starting to move very quickly and it's only getting worse. The thing is, how much faster can time pass? Is that really even possible?
I have had a few dreams about you coming to visit me recently. We would just be sitting at the foot of my bed and I would be telling you things that I haven't expressed to anyone else. We would catch up on anything and everything. You would tell me that you were okay and I would tell you that I miss you...and it's true. I DO miss you. I think I miss you more and more as time passes, to be honest. Which makes me wonder, how does it work? How does it work when the line "it gets better with time" is true but then i'm here wishing you were here more and more as time goes on? It doesn't make sense to me, but then again. Not everything makes sense to me anymore and sometimes it's better to leave it that way and not think too much in to it. Some things just "are".
You know i'm the type to cheer someone on or encourage them when I know they have potential in something. I try to encourage people to be their authentic selves. It's what I wish some people have done for me as a kid or as a teenager; instead of making me feel a certain type of way about who I am as a person. It really has carried on into my adult life. There are days when I am doing so well. I feel like I can do just about anything, have motivation and drive...but there are certain days where I just feel like I have to continuously have a never ending war with myself and my thoughts. Quieting them is never easy and it takes it's toll on me more than you know. I am tired; so, so tired.
I wish you were here. I really need your hugs and your words of encouragement. I really need your company. I feel like you were the only person who really knew me. You saw underneath all the toughness and the grit I show the world because the world has shown me that I can't trust anyone. Normally I don't care about what people think of me but sometimes things pile up and they start to weigh heavy. People are always telling me how "strong" and how "resiliant" I am. Let's be honest,though. I am only that way because I feel like I don't have any other choice. It gets to me and my mind can be a scary place. If people really knew what went on in there or how my heart feels, WHEW they'd be in for a treat, let me tell you.
The Holidays aren't too far away but for years I haven't really felt the Chistmas spirit. It's hot as hell here. Mami (we don't talk anymore) hasn't put up a Christmas tree in years, Grandma and Auntie Joan are not here anymore. I was a selfish teenager and now, more than ever I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back and time and redo the things I never did. I don't care about the parties anymore. I don't care about drinking myself into oblivion. All I really want is to spend time with you three again because what matters most in this life is the people you love and who genuinely love you in return. The lesson has been learned but I had to learn it the hard way just like everything else.
I have sat many a time, alone and talked to you. Talked to the air. I hope you have heard me. You know i'm not religious. Everyone and their Mother's know that but part of me feels some sort of comfort knowing that maybe you CAN hear me. The possibility helps, even a little bit. Sometimes I feel like it's selfish of me wishing you were still here. Unfortunately being here is more like being in my own personal hell without you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. One could call me bitter, and that's fine. I know that I am not. I prefer the term "realistic". I have seen too many things to be able to say I am still hopeful or faithful. Very seldom do I feel like that about anyone or anything. I see things as they are and I have learned not to get my hopes up; the fall hurts so much more if I do. There is a ironically a bright side to all of it,though. I have learned to speak up for myself and for others. Communicating what I need is liberating because at the end of the day if someone truly cares, they will do what they need to do to fix the issue. If they do not, then they're not worth it to me anymore because it shows they never took me seriously to begin with. I continue learning.
When our birthday rolls around each year, I think of how I couldn't stand sharing my birthday with you as a kid. The thought of having my own room was exciting as well. Now I look back and I want to get all of that back. I would do anything to see you again and to be able to go places with you. Papi took me to Germany and Paris a couple of years ago. It was one of the happiest moments of my life if i'm being honest. We had so much fun. But I knew you would have loved the experience of it too; I thought of you the whole time. Part of me knows you are always with me,though. I like to think of you as someone who watches over me and makes sure I am okay. I think you do, honestly. I have been close to death a few times and by some miracle, my life did not end. I guess I still have a reason to be here, if you believe in that sort of thing. It's hard most of the time but there are certainly small moments that make life worth living.
Our little Brothers are doing well. They are getting so big and they are definitely showing their personalities which funny enough remind me of us two. It's pretty cute. I have a puppy named Haze(y) and i'm adopting another husky again here really soon. I am so excited for that. Oh yeah and I started taking care of fur babies for a living and picked up my art again. Yay! Things aren't always smooth sailing but like I said before, it's the small things that bring me joy. That's what keeps me going and moving forward.
But anyway, i'm going to let you go now. I've rambled for a bit but I hope you're okay wherever you are. I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I miss you so so so so much. I promise I will go to visit you soon and i'll bring you some flowers or a balloon. I know you like your little gifts.
Don't be a stranger,though. I really hope you come back and visit me again soon. I would love to have another one of our talks.
Until next time.
Your big sissy,