A Letter to My 4 Month old Son

My sweet baby, you are only 4 months old now, but I already have so much to tell you...

I don't know how well I can put into words what you make me live every day, but I will try ... because with your appearance I have become so mature, so gentle.

I had a difficult pregnancy, with many health problems, both psychological and physical. It was a difficult 9 months, the last of which I did not know what "sleep" meant. And when I was dreaming, it was always the same thing "to give birth to a baby boy with blue eyes and white as milk". This idea gave me energy and strength every day. Intoxicated body, iron deficiency, extremely much water retention in this weak corpse. I went through all the possible difficulties in one pregnancy.

I dreamed all my existence (well, until I was 22, so is not that long ) that I would go through the process of "natural birth" alone, with my courage.

18.10.2021 After 24 hours of torture, though, I realized that it is ridiculous, no matter how much I wish.

19.10.2021, 14:43 pm

This was the first surgery of my life, so I was shaking like I was naked at -20 °C.

Our first moment was not at all what I anticipated, far from what it looks like in the movies. I didn't even understood what was going on, I didn't saw you well from fatigue and all I wanted was u to be safe, and trust me if it hadn't been for my husband (your daddy) all this time with me, I don't know how I would have resisted.

But it was all worth it. Everything that happens in our lives has a special meaning and I have made convinced various times.

After recovering a little from all the drugs, I felt I Gave Birth. I created a life, a tiny man and so innocent. A baby soul for which only I am responsible.

2900 gr with eyes blue and creamy white, God heard my prayer. Such a fragile, tiny baby. God, how weak you were. I was looking at you and crying in one, both in pain and in happiness, because my feelings were so ambiguous and mixed. The first 5 days in the hospital I was barely moving, but I was ready to assume any pressure to be with you and to be able to give you all the love I have. For the first 2 months, I didn't sleep at all, you were suffering from colic, and we were from our helplessness. I tried a lot of syrups, and only rarely did they help.

Every day my heart was filled with love for you, and only your safety and happiness mattered. A simple smile of yours gave us energy for another month of sleepless nights, a single sweet look of yours and we were ready to carry any weight, screams and cries 24/24.

One night I felt like I was giving up. I had a few hours since I was trying to put you to sleep. I went out to the kitchen and I cried with you with u in my arms. My heart was breaking into small pieces because I didn't know what to do, how to calm down. In such moments, the fact that your child is suffering destroys you, cause you, his closest human, his home, cannot solve anything.

Your father consoled me, he was much more stressed than me, that's his nature (I think you already understood that).

He tried his best to be calm, "Imagine we all sit together and cry like small children," which would be so weird and funny. Good luck with your grandmother, my mom. Those 2 months she was with me at home, I would probably have been depressed if I had been alone in moments like this. So, always be grateful to her for that, because she also suffered with us when tears flowed from your little eyes. And more, when your tears came ... I can't explain how much every drop that fell on our cheeks hurt us. You were crying so desperately and sincerely ... you're probably doing just like that now.

From the age of 3 months, you started sleeping, you didn't asleep at 2 am anymore, but at 23 pm. And until the morning at 12, you slept "like a baby". I didn't want to miss a single morning, because when you opened your eyes you always smiled, caressed and looked at me with so much love. Probably because I'm your home, the place where you'll always feel good. Your first connection with this world and the person responsible for your life and safety, and so far, at 4 months, you only fall asleep next to me ... sometimes you put your hand on my cheek and with tired eyes you let me know how much u love me, I just feel that..

You're having cold now. You have been suffering for a few days because your nose is stuffy and you can't eat well or sleep.

You are suffering because I was not careful and I allowed you to get a flu.

I'm sorry, but I'm in the beginning. I'm a mother for the first time and sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I get annoyed, I forget to go to bed on time or take a bath.

But I promise you, my dear son, I will be a good mother for you.