A Letter to A Mother and Warrior

Dear Mom,

I went from loving you with all my heart as a kid to resenting you as a young man. That’s when the ungodly revelations were hurled on my doorstep. It’s a bit of a burden to have your brain suddenly injected with poisonous memories that strip you of the joyful ones. How could they not worm their way in like a virus? It was all so sudden. I fought them at first. Such memories felt like they did not belong to me, they felt like a lie. When they wouldn’t leave and I had no other choice but to accept them, they made my entire life feel like a lie. I didn’t ask for that, but that’s what happened.

I initially asked myself why. Why did you let it all happen? Why did you let that man into my life? Why did you let him stay for as long as he did? Why was he allowed to continue to pillage my innocent heart? Why did you, at the very least, not prepare me for what might happen next? That I might one day be presented with such horrific memories. I didn’t ask for that resentment, but that’s what happened.

As a young man, I would not have been capable of writing you a letter denoting thanks or respect. Now that I have matured, I see you for all that you are and have done. I don’t focus on those memories any longer. As a middle aged man, I focus on how hard you had to fight in your life. I now realize that you always put your only child first.

My father left you while I was learning how to walk and never looked back. He left us all alone with barely enough money to survive. I never knew how hard you were struggling then because I felt like I had everything. I had an amazing childhood, filled with your love and more than enough to keep my active imagination full.

I want to thank from the bottom of my heart. I want to thank you for all the summer camps, for all the bikes and skateboards, for the karate lessons, for the guitar lessons, for the baseball, soccer, and football teams you got me on, for the YMCA programs, for the swimming lessons, for all the comic books and baseball cards, for all the amazing Christmas mornings filled with love and every present I ever asked for, for all the movie nights, for always accepting all my friends into our home, for always driving me to see friends without hesitation, for all the family gatherings, for always keeping me in new clothes, for never letting me feel real hunger. How did you do all this without much money or support? I still don’t know, but you did.

Although my initial feeling was that you should have gotten your boy out of danger sooner, I now see the bigger picture. I now focus on the fact that I don’t have a single memory of that man every abusing me in any way. You were the target. You were my shield. You did get me out of harm’s way before it could reach me. I now know you got me out as fast as you could with the means that you struggled to grasp.

Soon after, you met my stepfather. He was, he is, a good man. He accepted me as his own from the very beginning. He got us out of that bad neighborhood. He made a better life for us both because of his love for you. But how did you have any love left to give then? It must have been so hard to trust a man after what you had been through. I now know you felt the good in him somewhere deep down in your soul and had to put your trust in that. You gave your heart to him for your boy, for a better life that I deserved.

I ask myself an entirely different set of questions these days. How were you able to keep me so happy when life always held you down? How did you work so hard for so long? How did you ultimately protect me from the truth? How did I have such an amazing, loving childhood? How did I turn out to be such a good person?

I look at you now and I see such amazing strength. Your character and your heart cannot be matched. You never took a handout from anyone and always fought back with honesty and integrity, all without complaining or letting me see you cry. You never had a bad word to say about my biological father, not a one. Children best learn through observation. Thank you so much for the example you always set.

I am a better person because of you. I am a better husband, father, friend, uncle, leader, community member. I have more love, morals, values, kindness, patience, purpose. I have no doubt that I am left with so much of these things because of you. I now have something more to pass along to my children. It is all because of you. That is what happened.

When I say I love you, it is with all of my heart. I could never thank you enough Mom.

Your proud son,

Richard