A Father's Curse

As far back as I can remember, one of the main things I can remember about my father was him being in prison. I remember riding the train with my mom to these big buildings and having to go through metal detectors. To a young kid like me, oblivious to the world around me, this was just another fun adventure. I'd play with the storage lockers and bounce my spider-man figure from seat to seat.

Then we'd passed through all these doors that would open and close by themselves, or so I thought. Then we would sit in a giant room filled with other families and other men all in the same clothes my father wore. we'd sit and talk and I would love every minute of it. To me this wasn't scary, it was normal because it was all I knew.

Now to set the record straight, my father wasn't a bad man. He never directly hurt anyone, he never set out to do bad things with bad intentions. In fact it was quite the opposite, my father was the type of man that would actually give you the shirt off his own back and food off his own plate if he saw that you needed it. Unfortunately he was just drawn to making all the wrong choices with all the best intentions.

My parents met at a very young age, fell in love and became teenage parents. With being a drop out at a very young age and barely able to read my father took any work he could find to support his family. He would work three, four jobs just to make ends meat and be able to put food on the table. He slaved away as a chef, would detail cars, work at corner stores and many other things.

Of course being awake and on your feet for such long periods of time and still feeling like you aren't good enough as a father tends to take it's toll. So when a co-worker offered my father some drugs to help keep him up and energized, my father made the worst decision with the best intentions. Drug after drug, drink after drink, arrest after arrest, fight after fight and the loss of a baby, my parents had reach their end and were ready to split, until I came along. The youngest of five and a very sick child, I didn't make things any easier and that still hasn't changed.

When I was younger my father was like my best friend. I still remember all the great times we had, like when he took me to a Red Sox game or the time him and my grandfather taught me how to ride a bike, or every Saturday when he would take me to Toys "r" Us and McDonald's. Yeah the younger years were the best, then I became a teenager and I started observing everything going on. I saw all the bad choices he would make and all the pain he would cause my mom, and the older I got the more vocal I became.

That led to arguments, fights & threats on both ends. I hated all that he was and all that he did. I vowed to never be like him. I promised myself that I would be nothing like him and when I had a family, I would never do anything to hurt them.

Little did I know I was already more like him then I would ever think. They say that you fight the most with the person that you are most like and that is very true. Like my father I too will give you the actual shirt off my back and food off my plate if I see that you are in need. I too met my wife at a very young age and fell in love, but we did not become teenage parents.

I have never been arrested, and although I drank when I was younger I never had a problem with alcohol, although I smoked marijuana, I never got into hard drugs. I have gotten and lost more jobs then I can keep track of. Also like my father I have never been good with money. As soon as I get it, I spend it.

I spoil myself and my loved ones when I should be saving for a better future, a house, a better life. Although I did get a little better at it once I became a father, my daughter is my everything and I would give everything and anything to give her a better life. Another thing that got better once I became a father was my outlook and opinion of my father. Our relationship finally began to heal, my father was finally clean and off of drugs and alcohol, we were finally acting as father and son again, but it was too late.

Two months after my daughter was born, my father passed away and left me with years of regret. Years of wishing that we mended our relationship sooner, wishing we had more time together, wishing my daughter had more time with him. If I could turn back the wheels of time i'd tell him just how much I love him and how now as a father myself I understand that the bad choices he made, he made for us. One thing I learned from my father was that as a parent when you are limited and out of choices then you will resort to things that you wouldn't normally do.

You will move heaven and earth and do things that you know are wrong just to do whats right and provide for your family. I learned that even when you do everything in your power, you'll still feel like you aren't doing enough, and when you inadvertently hurt that ones you love while trying to do the right thing, you'll feel like it's impossible to do whats right. I learned that just like my father, I too suffer from depression and all my failed attempts will do nothing but drown me unless I find the strength to change the course. Unless I find a way to be better, I will always be a salve to my father's curse.

Just like my father I am kind, I am loving, I am generous and I am flawed. I never want my daughter to be like me or my father, I never want her to feel all the things we felt. I want her to be all the good things we tried to be and none of the bad things we became. The only way that can happen is if I take all the great things my father taught me and do them better so that my daughter only see's the right way things should be done.

After all the up's and down's I love my father with everything I am, and all negatives aside I am proud to call him my father. I love him and all his flaws, I love everything he was and everything he will always be to me. I hope my daughter will feel the same way when she grows up. Others will only see what we allow them to, so as fathers let us set an example and be the guiding light for a brighter future for our kids.

Let us break this fear of failure and reassure ourselves that our kids don't see a father's curse that plagues us all, instead all they see is this hero called dad.