5 Contradictory Behaviors in Individuals Raised by Narcissistic Parents

“If unloving mothers were able to see their behaviors as abusive, they either would stop behaving that way or they would get help for their dysfunction. But many cannot: instead, they deny it, to themselves, their families, and the world at large, in order to avoid a sense of guilt, to avoid having to make changes in their lives, or to avoid the bruising awareness that they, too, were unloved children.”

― Victoria Secunda, When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life

Being raised by narcissistic parents can have a profound impact on a person's behavior and psychological well-being. While everyone's experiences are unique, here are five contradictory behaviors that individuals raised by narcissistic parents may display:

1. Seeking Validation and Avoiding Attention

The reason adult children of narcissists or even just those who had many adverse childhood experiences might require more alone time in adulthood is because they were deprived of their choices and agency in childhood. They were parentified as children, which meant that they were forced to take on adult roles and responsibilities before they were ready. That is why you may savor your alone time at what appears to be an extreme level to outsiders yet is completely understandable given what you’ve been through. Additional time and space are often needed to recuperate from the traumas of childhood to experience the innocence and peace of a childhood you never got to experience. Simultaneously, adult children of narcissists were not provided a validating and safe environment to nurture their development. Their emotional needs were not met, and they can struggle with a chronic sense of emptiness as a result. This means that even though they relish their alone time on a heightened level, adult children of narcissists can still be vulnerable to surrounding themselves with toxic people to fill that void – such as unempathetic friends, relatives, partners, and colleagues who resemble their narcissistic parents. This can happen early on in young adulthood before they’ve begun to look more closely at their patterns and can lead to re-traumatization. After experiencing this re-traumatization, it becomes even more vital to use your alone time to heal.

2. Overachieving and Feeling Inadequate

Due to the constant demand for perfection from narcissistic parents, children may develop a pattern of overachieving. They strive to meet impossibly high standards and seek external accomplishments to gain validation. Paradoxically, despite their achievements, they may still feel inadequate. This internal sense of self-worth can be a significant challenge for them to overcome.

3. People-Pleasing and Fear of Rejection

Children of narcissistic parents often learn to prioritize the needs of others to maintain a sense of peace and avoid conflict. They become adept at people-pleasing and continuously strive to meet the expectations of others. However, this behavior coexists with a deep fear of rejection. They have learned that their worth is conditional upon meeting others' demands, leading to a constant fear of not being accepted or loved.

4. Difficulty Setting Boundaries and Feeling Isolated

Growing up with narcissistic parents, individuals may struggle with establishing healthy boundaries. They may have been taught that their boundaries are inconsequential, leading to difficulty in asserting their needs and desires. Consequently, they may find it challenging to connect with others on a deep emotional level, resulting in feelings of isolation and a fear of being vulnerable.

5. External Confidence and Internal Self-Doubt

Some individuals raised by narcissistic parents may develop a facade of confidence and assertiveness. They project an image of strength to protect themselves from vulnerability. However, internally, they often grapple with intense self-doubt and low self-esteem. Growing up, their sense of self was consistently undermined, making it challenging for them to believe in their own capabilities and worth.

It is essential to understand that while these behaviors are commonly seen in individuals raised by narcissistic parents, they may manifest differently in each person. It's crucial for those affected to seek therapy and support from professionals who specialize in childhood trauma. Working through these contradictory behaviors can help individuals heal and regain a sense of self-worth.