The Repetitive Talk Of Setting Boundaries

“You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours.” ~ Bryant H. McGill

Why all the repetition about setting boundaries in intimate relationships? Because boundaries ensure that both partners are satisfied with the union, which allows them the freedom and ease to move forward together.

Boundaries show the world and our partners that we have control over our lives. If we refuse to set boundaries, then it’s possible the relationship will take over our lives and leave us feeling drained and unhappy.

Another point that must be stressed, boundaries give both parties the freedom to share their feelings without worrying about being judged or criticized. In other words, knowing what will and won’t be tolerated is essential for the relationship's health.

Boundaries are not meant to limit the couple. On the contrary, they exist as an anchor for teaching each person how the other wants to be treated. Boundaries are about respect for one another, which gives each person permission to take care of themselves without feeling guilty.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.” -Doreen Virtue

Having boundaries is like drawing a line. One side has the things you are okay with. On the other side are things you won’t tolerate. Another crucial benefit of knowing your boundaries is, that everything else falls within one of two categories. 1. Things you can be patient with 2. Things you and your partner can negotiate.

However, this line looks different for everyone, so it’s important for you to know where yours needs to be drawn. Boundaries help two people feel safe and comfortable with one another.

Let’s discuss a few areas where boundaries need to be set.

Physical: Are you okay with public displays of affection, or does it make you uncomfortable? Do you need a lot of alone time?

Emotional: Are you able to share what you’re feeling right away or do you need some time to think about it? Do you need your partner to be available anytime you have a crisis?

Sexual: Do you need to get to know your partner a while before engaging in any kind of sexual activity, or are you okay getting physical right away? What sexual activity are you okay with?

Digital: Are you okay with your partner posting about your relationship on social media? Is it okay if your partner uses your phone?

Spiritual: Do you like to practice your religion with a partner or alone? Does your partner need to have the same beliefs as you or can they be different as long as yours are respected? Are you waiting until marriage before you have sex?

“Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions.” Henry Cloud

Letting someone know what your boundaries are is important. You don’t have to sit down with your partner with a checklist and go over all the things that you won’t tolerate. However, you do have to be open and honest.

This should be a gradual process, but it shouldn’t take long. As one of my professors used to say, “Take your time but hurry up.” It’s not an oxymoron. It means when you two have meaningful conversations mention things you like and don’t like regarding relationships. It’s not rocket science. It’s all about self-awareness and communication.

Speaking of self-awareness, sometimes boundaries get crossed even after you’ve talked with your partner about them. This is where trusting yourself comes in. You may be sad, anxious, or angry. You may not know exactly what you are feeling. Always trust your gut.

If something doesn’t feel right it’s best for you to walk away. Many times, people think they’ll regret walking away. That’s not the case. What you’ll regret is staying because now you’re conveying to the other person something other than what you told him or her.

“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the “wait and see” tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have to justify your intuition.”

Shahida Arabi

It’s better to walk away with your peace, dignity, and character intact. You never want to give anyone permission to treat you poorly. That’s what you’ll be doing if you don’t follow your gut under those circumstances.

If a boundary has been crossed by your partner who didn’t know where your line was drawn, have an honest conversation. It could be something as simple as saying, “Hey, I really don’t like it when you do that.” Or, “This makes me really uncomfortable.”

In that situation, give your partner the benefit of the doubt because they weren’t aware that a boundary had been crossed. This might take some back and forth before coming to an agreement that meets both of your needs. Whatever the case, your relationship will be stronger because of it.

The bottom line is, boundaries bring peace and stability to your life. Don’t ever give those things away to anyone. Understand, those things cannot be purchased in stores. If God gives them to you, protect them by setting the proper boundaries.

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