So Many Emotions

I never imagined that I would be trying to teach English and Writing through the computer to 5 classes of kids, every day.

I have never experienced anything like this in the 10 years that I have found myself teaching various things to different kinds of people.

When I was 15, I started teaching piano and tutoring local kids in my neighborhood. I was serious about it and made decent money. When a high honors, responsible young kid is known in the neighborhood, obviously parents want a little extra help. So, they contact you with, "Hey, my kid needs a little extra help here and there" and so I took the opportunities to teach as they came, because I loved it. I still do.

Throughout my senior year of highschool and into college, I taught piano, tutored, and worked as a bookseller at Amazon Books. My last job before teaching high schoolers was working for the city that I live in as the Recycling Coordinator. For just a little under two years, I taught a city of about 113,000 people the ins and outs, and dos and don'ts, of recycling.

I've had my fair share of experiences in teaching.

I found myself job hunting at the end of the summer of 2019. I decided to go back to my high school and take a position as a Substitute.

That quickly changed.

I always knew I was going to be a teacher. I just didn't know when I was going to be a teacher. An opportunity came up completely unexpected, and I was in the position to take it. So, I did. I had already had my license to teach English in MA. I was a college graduate. I filled a position to end the 19-20 school year, and fell in love. A dream of mine was beginning to come true. The students gravitated toward me and to teach with staff at the highschool that I had attended was not only humbling, but made me grateful.

Fun was an understatement and the responsibility of teaching was at first overwhelming, but I found myself settling into the groove of it almost immediately. For me, I had the heart, I knew I did, and I was told I did by people with experience who had made a dent in the education of my friends and past graduates. I felt lucky and for the first time since having to job hunt unexpectedly, I woke up every day loving my job.

Within the blink of an eye, the magic of teaching was taken from me as the world shut down and literal chaos erupted thanks to an irresponsible Presidential Administration amidst the course of a deadly pandemic. Our job wasn't exactly to teach anymore. Instead, I found myself grasping onto any method of communication I could use to connect with my students during the Spring of 2020, just to make sure they were alive and okay.

Fast forward to September and our entire state, much like the rest of the U.S., is thrown into remote teaching. Remote teaching is something. I don't exactly have the words for what it is, but it's something. Is it teaching? In part, it is. Is it connection? Barely. How am I supposed to reconcile with the fact that I want nothing more than to teach these kids about English, writing, reading, novels, plays, Shakespeare, poems, all the things I love and want others to love, when their cameras aren't on during our Zoom classes, they do not come for extra help during scheduled online "office hours", they do not submit their work on time (or at all), and they barely engage in class? It's exhausting and disappointing.

How are teachers supposed to teach? How are we supposed to feel? When I spend hours organizing, planning, writing lessons, and posting work that I'm excited about... that work is engaging and rigorous, and it doesn't get done, then what? It's debilitating.

For the last week and a half, I have been grappling with the idea of what this teaching dream has turned into. I have cried, yelled in my car alone, looked to my boyfriend (also an educator, also a freshman English teacher) for comfort and in part, advice (because he's been a teacher longer than I have). I'm still feeling so many emotions about all of this. But, what can I do?

I have learned that what I love the most about this job is the kids. I love these kids. These kids are caring and kind and they have so much potential. These kids need me. I need them.

We have all been dealt a really hard, really unfortunate hand. This is true all around. I just wish that there were more positives than negatives, right now. Teaching during a pandemic has tested me in so many ways. I'm sure it has tested all of us. I'm sure it will continue to test us long after it is controlled and it is safe to go outside, be around people, and teach inside our buildings again. For now, I'll keep teaching, keep trying to reach kids, and keep trying to make sure they are okay.

That's what matters.