How To Become Fluent In A Foreign Language

Ok, so in 2003 I went to live in Spain with my perverse narcissist, Spanish freak show of a wife hell bent on destroying me. My knowledge of Spanish was rudimentary to say the least. By 2005 I was out on my ear and fearful of how I was going to get by. Lo and behold, I found help from some of the most unexpected quarters.

After one year of walking along miles and miles of southern Spain beaches, with my head well and truly up my own arse and looking vacantly down at the sand, I fell over an ocean going kyack. So, in an effort to drown myself, I took lessons in how not to in a kyack. 

Then, having mastered that particular sport to the point that the sailing school asked me to teach others, I decided to learn how to sail a 200 kilo Hobbycat catamaran. And boy oh boy, did I ever get lucky.

My tutor turned out to be a champion of Spain in sailing that particular vessel. However Pablo told me that although he was fluent in English, be cause he knew my situation of being dragged through court by my ex, he would only teach me in Spanish, to help me to learn the language. I agreed and as a result of doing that, I learned the names of all the parts of the catamaran in Spanish, as well as other sailing vocabulary. I never did get round to learning those things in my native tongue of English.

Next, spending fifteen years almost every single week in court with one frivolous allegation after another, I gradually got up to speed with the language. And, even better I learned an enormous amount about Spanish law.

In Spain, the law will provide a translator absolutely free of charge to anybody in my position. And even though I became quite fluent in Spanish I always insisted on have a state translator with me, for two very good reasons.

1.) The law in Spain is no different than in any foreign country in as much as the law uses lots of legal terms which you would not normally learn taking evening classes, or even a degree. And the last thing you want is to be replying 'Yes' to a legal question you are unsure of when it could land you in jail, and your answer should have been 'No' anyway.

2.) Also, I found that using a translator gave me very valuable extra thinking time whilst the translator translated. I could simply look at him or her pretending to be listening attentively, when in fact I was busy forming my reply.

Of course, my eventual fluency level was such that one Judge became angry with me saying to my attorney "This bloody gentleman speaks better Spanish than I do!"

There were other benefits to being dragged through the Spanish courts. I learned a hell of a lot about Spanish law. I even learned that Spain often takes its lead from the USA. That was because I used to get court documents stating things like "According to the Supreme Court of New York....." 

For example, I learned that the Supreme Court of New York had declared that a proven defense of not having the economic resources to pay child support, is sufficient reason to not send that person to jail. 

I like that, a common sense approach to a genuine problem. You cannot punish somebody by sending them to jail for not being able to do something which is impossible for them to do due to a lack of the resources needed to do it.

Now in my case, I had paid all child support anyway, but that did not stop madam from trying to get it all over again.

I also learned that in my particular Spanish city, about 80 percent of Judges were female. What's more, the females were far, far better at dealing with disagreeable plaintiffs like my ex. I found that the female judges did not fall so easily for the crocodile tears. Basically, women know and understand women far better than any man could ever do. Also, lots of male judges seem to be hell bent on showing how eager they are to bat for the women, regardless of the truth of the matter.

Then there were yet other benefits to my constant presence in court over such a long period of time. Court administrators thought that I was a new member of staff. The police who guarded the court, as well as lots of defendants, thought that I must be an attorney. This came to light when people, other defendants, came up to me to ask if I was their attorney. And the police showed me secret underground passageways to get from a court room on one side of the building to another on the other far side. This saved me a lot of time going outside to walk round the entire block.

And, even in the car park, the attendant, thinking I was an attorney late for court, would let me park any which way I liked, and then guard or move my car for me if it was blocking somebody in whilst I was busy inside defending somebody, which I was, me!

So, one way to become fluent is to take up a hobby which demands that you learn in the language of the country where you are learning.

Another way, though not highly recommended, is to get married to, and divorced from, some bloody lunatic who will drag you through the legal system until they have ground you to dust, or you are ready to give up on life. I know which way I prefer. Give me an ocean going kyack or catamaran any day.