April
The end and the beginning
(this is a novel idea I have, and this is the beginning that came to me and I would love to know if this gets your interest. Of course, any other critique is also welcome. Do you like the first person, or would you prefer the third person? I am thinking of adding names, and a little more history but I want to see if this is even a start that is interesting.)
It started with betrayal.
A notification from Tinder and my body went into fight or flight. As I asked him why this would happen and he deleted any evidence of the message, my body started to shake uncontrollably. I tried to gaslight myself into thinking it was a fluke. Sometimes iPhones make mistakes, but my brain knew better. As this back-and-forth continued in my head, I knew we were done. A relationship we thought wouldn't end came to a sudden stop. He wanted something else, and I knew he'd regret it.
However sad that feeling was, I wasn't broken. I was horny and ready to find someone who would want only me or at least wanted to fuck me. Unfortunately for my sexual self, I wasn't the best at just fucking. I had to find someone I also connected with mentally. No matter how unstable they may be in the end.
As any good predator would do, I hid out and conferred with others. I watched and listened and waited. I had my eyes on someone, and I needed more info. I needed to mark my territory and make it feel like it was his idea. He was a loner, the type that brought books to work and read instead of making small talk and not looking up unless actively needed for actual work. His mysterious nature made me curious, and I figured he'd be more challenging than most men to lure. I would have to be more than a good body, and I would have to be cerebral—my specialty.
I relished the opportunity to be nervous and try something new. I determined my plan of attack and approached him. I asked him questions I knew the answer to but would allow him to feel dominant over me and more intelligent, exactly where I wanted him. I continued this dance, submitting to his intellectual prowess. I could see him physically relax as this continued. As he began to ask me questions, I became aloof. I realized why he stuck to himself and wore emotions on his face. All of them. He was confused but intrigued.
The next day, I was sure not to look at him even once. Unfortunately, an emergency meant we had to work closely together, and I took that time to remain stoic and professional. After the emergency, I took to my desk only to have him walk around casually. We chatted, and again, I left him to ponder what I was thinking. Finally, by the end of the day, I came and asked to listen to his music. He didn't hesitate to share his headphones as we huddled close to each other to hear. He described the music, and I listened intently to every word. He handed me his number at this point. Later, I handed it back with my number on the paper, telling him he needed to be the one to text first.
A challenge most men would not be concerned with taking unless they were very interested.
I couldn't have known that this was the moment I was fucked. A mess that started with a betrayal and would end with me burning down every cell of who I thought I was.
About the Creator
Jazzy
Follow on IG @booksbyjaz
Head of the Jazzy Writers Association (JWA) in partnership with the Vocal HWA chapter.
Guardian Angel
Who believes in guardian angels? I am a believer for there have been many times that I have felt someone following me and there was no one there when I looked. There were a few times when I thought I seen someone who looked familiar but I knew it could not have been them for they were, for lack of a better word, DEAD. Guardian angels to me are angels that one may or may not see who seem to help make decisions or protect us from harm. One experience I had when swimming when I was younger and pushed off the dock into the creek for, I was little and did not know how to swim yet I felt like someone was pulling me up and over to the ladder.
By Mark Graham6 days ago in Critique
Comments (13)
I definitely prefer the first person. A diaristic tone suits the narrative.
So I think this is good. I might recommend using a pen name, especially if you are planning to make it very explicit, but it's the perfect blend of creepy and intriguing with love and betrayal thrown in. I think it would make a great novel.
"I needed to mark my territory and make it feel like it was his idea." - Not apologizing, but that is the epitome of a woman right there. You f*cking nailed it, Jazzy. Wish I could comment more at the time, but I gotta get going. Be back later.
Phenomenal work! Keep the excellence going—congrats!
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
So, it's not a kids book or Mills and Boon. I love a strong female character and she seems to be that and the language suggests she is. As this is just an idea for a novel, any issues with this part will be fixed with editing later, as you build the story, but this for me is a strong start toward a bigger mystery. He may not be who he seems.
As you already know, I'm not someone you can rely on for constructive criticism. But I reallyyyyy loved this! I don't like slow burners. This beginning jumped right into action and I enjoyed it so much!
I am extremely intrigued. Is this a romance, a thriller, suspense, or something else? I like the first person point of view, and I’d like for you to show us more! What questions did she ask him that would make him feel superior? What emergency was there and why did they have to work together? Are they coworkers? Aw man my gears are turning like crazy!
If it's a romance novel then I won't be much help, but if it's the start of a mystery or thriller I might be a little more helpful. I feel your setup for her doing what she is doing is good but a little more detail would be helpful. Is the swear words necessary? I'm not a prude, they just don't add much if anything to the story.
He leaned toward me as the keyboard intensified. "So, you see, the bridge really drives home the message of 'Get Got' by Death Grips, which, of course, is a through line of dissociative identity disorder, metaphorically highlighting existential uncertainty." Nah, I'm just playing. Overall, it's an interesting premise that makes you question the motivations of both protagonist and supporting character. Is she fully in control or does she only *think* she is fully aware of the situation? Is he as clueless as he might seem? It makes you question how reliable the narrator is given what we've seen of her thought process so far. With the deep psychological undertones this premise suggests, first-person POV is 100% the way to go. I find third-person is more cut and dry and better when the focus is less on the character's thoughts and more on their actions.
I feel like it moves too fast for a novel opening.
Well, judging from this exceprt, it may be a romance novel you're working on, which isn't a genre I read. I'll give you my thoughts anyway. It moves pretty fast and there are some questions to be answered. What kind of work? What kind of emergency? That may not be a bad thing, as it could be a hook. I'm comfortable with the first person, especially since it appears to be very personal.
I like it. Reminds me of the Hating Game. Great start.