My Name is Ted

Hello Ted. You are late online today. What’s been keeping you?

Good evening Jeff. Yes, had to attend to a little family matter. It took longer than I anticipated. How’s school?

Same old. What about you? How is life in university?

Boring, all day.

Yeah? Is there a point of higher education, I sometimes wonder. Considering the hefty financial investment.

I suppose career advancements rely on these certificates, connections and whatnot, you know what I mean? And yes, you need to choose a career that’s gonna make it all back, and more. Otherwise, it’s not worth doing. I agree.

You study law, is that right?

Correct sir.

Nice, Ted the lawman. I heard it could be very lucrative being a lawyer.

Not always, many are not. If you are on the right side of the law with a naive ideal then you will probably end up on the sideline with substantial student debt. But indeed some are if you are talking about it in a pure business sense, especially criminal defence lawyers.

Yes, follow the money, right?

Right. Money, status, power. What make the world go around.

Studying law could be very useful for personal purposes I suppose.

Indeed old sport, what do you have in mind?

Paving the road for some future eventualities. If it comes to it that is. You know?

I do.

By the way, what family matter did you attend to? I don’t mean to pry but…

Not at all, I am completely honest with you. You should know me by now. And I hope you are honest with me too, yes?

Completely. You know about my shed.

Uhm. Alright, the family matter was about my parentage.

Parentage?

Yes, about my biological father.

What did you find out?

I found out, my so-called father for all these years is not really my father at all.

Someone told you about it?

Yes, you can say that. Some annoying bitch was taunting me with my birth certificate. I’m gonna get her one of those days. But, anyway, I have my own suspicions for some time now.

What did the birth certificate say?

Not much, just that the father is absent.

So unknown.

Yes, and there’s more. My mother…

Yes?

My mother is actually my sister.

Wait a minute, your sister?

Yes, she gave birth to me out of the wedlock and my grandparents played parents to me.

Damn.

Yeah, damn, so fucked up. All these damn long years, all these lies, these pretences, these…

Ted, you alright?

No, I’m not alright. I am livid. I am going to confront these sacks of shit for lying to me.

Don’t, Ted. You told me your dad is violent. Sorry, your grandpa now.

Yeah, so? That’s when I was a boy but I am a man now and I’m no weakling.

No, not at all, just didn’t want you to get hurt, is all. Would your mom be on your side? Sorry, I meant grandma.

My grandma? My grandma has always been that fiend’s punch bag. She was on antidepressants for decades. He put her through many electric shock therapies, even had her having a lobotomy a couple of years ago. That permanently tranquillized her, ha.

Lobotomy?

Yeah, lobotomy. They stick an ice pick up your eye sockets and sever your brains from the middle. Instant vegetable. It’s a sad sight. As a matter of fact, when I come to think about it, I quite liked her before she turned into a dribbling mess. She did try to protect me many times.

So you’ve been resenting your grandpa I guess?

Resent? That’s not the word. I want to kill this son of a bitch. I always wanted to. And now I’m a grown man, I don’t need no farther nor grandfather. Yes, killing this pain in the ass feels the right thing to do.

You mean actually killing him?

Yes.

Wow, are you sure? I know we’ve talked about it for some time now but actually going ahead? There’s no going back, Ted. You need to be certain.

I am certain. You’ve been practising on animals, have you not?

Yeah, killing a human being is different.

I know that, Jeff. Don’t you think I know that!

Sorry, Ted. Didn’t mean to annoy you. I was just trying to be helpful.

…

So, when do you plan to do it?

I’m gonna do him now.

Now? Holy shit, this is real!

As real as you can get.

You got tools?

Yes. I have a sharp stainless steel knife with a good guard just like you told me.

Good. Blood makes everything slippery. The guard will prevent you from injuring your own hand during the repeated stabbing. Have you thought about body disposal? … Ted? … Are you there? … Ted? … OMG, shit’s going down for real!!!… Ted?

Back. You there?

Yes, Ted. Have you done it?

Yes, I did him alright.

OMG, OMG, how exciting! You did it! You really did it! Tell me how you did it.

Well, simple, really. I crept up on him, tapped on his shoulder. He turned back and I stuck the knife into him. Piece of shit didn’t see it coming, still holding his beer in his hand. You should see the surprise on his ugly pathetic face. There was blood everywhere, good we have lino flooring instead of carpets. Imagine the mess then.

I can imagine! Where did you stick the knife?

Through the abdomen right to his heart.

Did you repeat?

Yeah, many times, I lost count.

You sure he’s dead?

Yeah, stone dead. I saw his life leaving his eyes.

And your grandma?

Slept through it in her bedroom like she always does.

Ok, good. Now comes the hard part. What you gonna do now?

I’m having a cold beer from the fridge right now and thinking about it. I know several effective body disposal methods but I prefer the old school bury in the back yard trick, hassle-free, low tech. Anyway, I think I’m gonna do some research online and get to the details if you know what I mean.

Good idea. Would you be interrupted?

Nah, nobody ever come visit this piece of shit. I locked the doors and got all the time I need. Catch up later.