Ksi

Anthrax Tower. Sewage is seeping through the manhole covers. KSI et al. drop by Isaac's Deli for an Early Bird Special: a twisted chicken and a quart of deli salad for 50% off. Helmets are supplied free of charge. (Luckily KSI has a friend who works here.)

_________________________________________________

GEORGE: [Wearing the compulsory chicken suit.] The JACK is in the BOX.[Hands Ksi Her order with a complimentary wink.]

It is white, it is dead, and it is staring. A most unhappy morsel to be shut up in the box.

*

[Bldg. 470, a "Toilet" sign swings precariously from the facade.]

KSI et al. enter the dark seven-story building. [Climb 39 steps.] Little internal conflict arises as they get along by going along. [Rest.] Upon the landing they are duly informed that someone in Room 27 has been choking for the past three days. Seemingly absurd to outsiders, but deadly serious to the someone in Room 27.

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: Your attempts are in vain.

All at once they startled and shrank back. He wore no shirt, no shoes and cloud grey cloak.

B6: Who are you?

A planner. A mapper. A mover.

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: [Very patiently explained.] You must wait until the tunnel is completed.

ξ: What tunnel?

[Miscreants flying out the window.]

REASON: In a fury, Somebody Above has evicted everyone out of the Tower.

(Then fell asleep.)

The Tower is negatively pressurized. To establish negative pressure in a room that has a normal function, They may 1. Add a violent crime 2. change the ventilation system or 3. Open and close the room's door via a toggle switch.

LORD OF ERECTION: It is essential that all doors remain properly bolted in the negative pressure room and surrounding areas e.g., doors in corridors. Except when agents need to enter or leave the designated room or area.

And hermeneutically sealed. False windows and sills are added in an effort to pass the man-made erection tower off as a permanent dwelling place.

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: The subzero units are reserved for lethal agents, and contain a network of pipes which feed into a large cooler where unused agents are flushed out and subjected to therapies that render them harmless.

[Miscreants flying out the window.]

*

KSI et al. proceed to the fourth floor.; however, taken unawares, KSI et al. trip over THE DEAD MAN IN THE DOORWAY and quickly go to the wayside.

B6: Who is this?!

AUTOPSY REPORT

EXEMPLAR: The dead man’s person and habit described is used only to illustrate a point. Types of information and style will vary. (There can be a lot of variation where hygiene is concerned. And We would be amiss if We failed to mention hygiene and safety.)

Autopsy: FUZ066778-00A

Autopsy Authorized by: Dr. Germ, Meat Labs Inc. for the City of Noiz.

Identified by: junk DNA and a quashed grape underfoot.

Rigor: Mortis

Blood: Falling due to gravity.

Distribution: Poisson

Age: In his dotage.

Maturity Value: First signs of decay.

Sex: From the male side of the equation.

Length: Medium

Weight: Fatling

Marbling: Abundant, yet artificial.

Eyes: 68

Hair: Receding

Intact: No (Castrates are superior and more tender.)

Body Heat: Feels pretty good.

CLOTHING:

1. Blue dress shirt, blood-stained and scorched. Multiple tears on

the front. Both arms shredded.

2. Red tie shredded, scorched and blood-stained.

3. Brown trousers, stained primarily on the left upper leg and

crotch.

4. Beef Belt, moderately dark red (matching the tie).

5. White briefs, stained. (see #3)

6. Black sock, exposed.

7. Black shoe, untied.

8. Moving suspender.

EXTERNAL EXAMINATION: Well-developed, well-nourished, westerner with multiple blast and fragment injuries including amputations of both upper extremities at mid-forearm with partial fragmentation of the detached portions of the extremities. The cranial vault is empty with fragments of brain recovered separately. There are gaping lacerations of the left lower abdomen and thigh with partial evisceration of sigmoid: and small intestine. The penis and left testicle are absent.

GROSS DESCRIPTION: Obliterated.

SUMMARY: The Dead Man In The Doorway died instantly after a package exploded in the home.

CAUSE OF DEATH: Hepatic congestion.

*

GEORGE: [Limps in.] Why do we keep falling?

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: [Nimble and fleet of foot.] What’s this all about?

THE SILENT WITNESS: When they continued pestering him, the Prophet raised himself up and said to them, “Hey, if there’s a body lying on the floor with a knife sticking out of its neck you can be almost certain, give or take 6%, that something very bad has happened.”

[Words waft in from the kitchen.]

B6:...and this?

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: She must have come in with THE DEAD MAN IN THE DOORWAY.

B6: [Wringing her paws.] Do you suppose she’ll be staying for lunch?

GEORGE: Everyone's coming home for lunch these days.

ξ: [Casually notices latent prints on the virginal.] Look.

B6: Fuming cyanoacrylate!

REASON: Which means WE were here.

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: And could return.

GEORGE: [Silently.] How in the world of diminishing returns did KSI find room for a virginal?

*

Nobody underestimates the fury and power of elements on the warpath, nor scoffs at the power of the bomb. The State, therefore, plans to deploy massive bombs at regularly scheduled intervals within the next six months as part of their offensive BM program- a generally misunderstood biological threat.

Evacuate! Evacuate!

BYSTANDER: No project disgusted so many, so much.

[Ten butterfly pastries, nine Bar-B-Q chickens, eight smoke cured holiday hams, seven cheese Danish, six geese a laying, five golden loaves, four Boer goats, three dead fish, two sticky buns and one liter of diet soda later...]

FATMAN: I'm usually sick if I deviate by as much as one bite.

THIRD PARTY: Repugnant and horrible to watch.

And so it was on the eve of the day,

[A perfect calm.]

Suddenly, a strong flash of light startled me.

when a something appeared at the door.

[A great knock at the door.]

It shook my very teeth.

INGRID: Beware of the door!

[SOMEONE enters Room 27.]

Something enormous rising and falling. Parcels of drapery.

From what’s going on here, one should ask:

ξ: Something has turned. Why is that?

REASON: Temperature abuse.

B6: Can we even taste temperature?

ξ: [Turns toward B6.] Have you altered your hair without warning

again?

B6: [Innocently.] Charles insisted on giving me a wave.

ξ: Damn him.

REASON: That barber is crazy.

A single hair pilfered and singed. Coiled there like a serpent.

GUARD: Fall in!

Clad in drawers and an under shirt, I found myself sprawled out on the living room floor.

Shellacked.

GUARD: Fall out!

To my surprise, I discovered that I was completely naked.

Dismantled.

GUARD: What do you propose we do about this one? [Gesture of repugnance.]

LORD OF ERECTION: [Calmly smoking a pipe.] If you can fully identify the remains, we may have a disturbance that needs to be addressed.Corn, however, is the exception.

Contrary to what the reader may think, seeing corn is not a cause for alarm.

I wondered, Where is my smile?

[Later, in an exclusive exposé-]

THE SMILE: I just picked up the pieces, dipped them in a vat of

ceramic slurry, and carried them off to the morgue.

[A breathtaking indoor exhibit where three types of wooden boxes remain on display: big, medium and small.]

But We’re not going to talk about the funeral industry right now and how they rip Us off. The entire building is collapsing. A sea of flames.

SON: I see the fire and wood FATHER, but where is the heart shaped locket?

FATHER: The heart shaped locket? The heart shaped locket for the entirely burnt offering? [Peers over his shoulder.] The Lady will see to it, my SON.

Then the two of them walked on together and discovered Harry hidden beneath a stove.

HARRY summed up his experience thusly,

HARRY: It felt as though I was in total darkness, with a helmet on my head and pleasantly relaxed.

Well done.

The helmet! The helmet!

THE SILENT WITNESS: For, behold, the day will come, that shall burn like an oven...and that day shall burn them up, and shall leave of them neither hide nor hair.

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: [Attracting.] Work free of the collapsed structure,

and make sure You head upwind to escape the fumes...

A mushroom cloud.

REASON: [Making sense of things.] Just put your hands in the air- try to wave away the smoke.

Soft like cotton.

Unfortunately, no traditional approach could aid KSI in solving the problem.

Hard like lightning.

It's a sad reality that the smell we beings produce when burnt is the same as that of grilled squid. The squid we like so much to eat.

THE SILENT SNEER: And the priests cast salt upon them, and rubbed it

in.

GUARD: Yes, I can still remember the thrill of my first burnt offering meal...[Pauses for fond remembrance.]...my tastes have changed slightly since then, but the one thing I still can't resist is that crispy salt-and-pepper squid.

*

[Previously, in the kitchen.]

B6: What's that cooking?

ξ: [Miscellaneous internal noises.]

The blood in Ksi's veins had begun to boil but She answered calmly,

ξ: I don't know.

THE YOUNG HYSTERIC: You call this a happy meal?!

B6: What's the matter?

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: There is no matter.

THE YOUNG HYSTERIC: Shame on you! [Throws her hair brush to the floor.] I'm amazed at the random crap You can put on a plate and call a meal. I'm never coming back here again! Get me a tub of lard. NOW! One pot! GO!

So, KSI et al. consulted with one another and agreed, Let us prepare a little pot of chicken fat for her to-go.

Discharged of that uneasy load, they sally forth...

B6: So what is this Jack in the Box?

Identifiable victims: Jack B. Little (often abbreviated and fondly called 'Jack') with his favorite pumpkin, Baby Boo (a cute little creature who now takes up a lot less space).

[Enter SMOTHER; hikes up her skirt and steps over THE DEAD MAN IN THE DOORWAY. Confusion sets in.]

SMOTHER: Please dear, [Removes her sophisticated, cashmere lined leather hand gloves in an elegant way.] pull yourself together. How untidy you look.

THE DEAD MAN IN THE DOORWAY: [Raises his objection.] How can I? I am prostrated.

B6: [Quietly.] Hide the sausage!

SMOTHER: Why are you so dreadfully under my foot?!

B6: Because you’re so hideously in my way.

[A life or death struggle over oysters.]

SMOTHER: GEORGE! [Extended blinking.] I want to see you in the kitchen when you have a minute, right now.

[Enter George.]

SMOTHER: It's time for my virginal solo, GEORGE. Won't you join me?[Hunched over the lonely virginal, SMOTHER plunges into musical ecstasy.]

Dit-dah-dit.

Dit-dah-dit-dit.

Smother's nettled hair bristled with antennas. (You know how she is.)

SMOTHER: Stop! [Spins around abruptly on her Christian Louboutin Snakeskin Fifi heel.] Come out of that fridge!

Circumspect, KSI exits as She had entered- with sweet potatoes in Her hands. They were all cooked.

*

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: The City of Noiz reportedly encompasses 43 surveillance towers and 11 gates, 7 of which are presently operating in turnstile fashion. The State categorically denies the existence of the other 4.

REASON: WE rely on the strategy of false hope. Now can we please focus. [Spreads open a weathered map fit to be traveled over.] According to this map legend, the 4 'missing' gates are buried beneath this very building. Maybe 200 km deep.

B6: How much is that?

REASON: In decimals? About the size of a tall pigeon. [Continues to read aloud from the map's companion text attached underneath.] ‘In 730V.E., The Society of Seven Sausages undertook the initial clearing ofthe site from debris and soil that had accumulated to bury it, but the State...’ [Trails off.]

ξ: Are there special framing requirements for antique maps?

REASON: '...a group of scholars, writers, and musicians. The Seven Sausages found their lives to be in danger when the Jimmy Dean Dynasty came to power. Some of the seven wrote poems criticizing the court and State...while others tried to negotiate their difficult political positions by self-consciously adopting the roles of Italian Artisan Sausage (a.k.a. Smart Sausage); a select few eventually succumbed and joined the Jimmy Dean Dynasty.’

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: The Party works hard to protect itself from rogue agents who will not conform Ksi. That is why You must create the illusion of

conformity. [A big drip hovered anxiously overhead, threatening the bold visitor.]

REASON: You can attract an invitation to their Party, however, by having something small but sincere to offer. [Scans the room for B6.]

ξ: No. [Sensing Reason's intent.] I will offer them Fermat’s Little Theorem.

B6: Oh! [Knitting in a nearby hole-and-corner .] That's good. Very good.

*

THE SILENT WITNESS: After the LADY had driven them out of the Garden of Free Lunches, She set, at the east gate, a pudgy youth of noble birth with a flame of the devouring fire to guard against the Tree of Life.

THE SILENT SNEER: A propaganda ploy intended to mislead both public opinion and the victims themselves as to the true purpose of deportation to the East.

ξ: [Staggers haphazardly through the rubble.] How about I release Myself from the bondage of only going to the left, and say, Oh, I can go to the right. [Following a beam of light, Ksi bumps into an old friend.]

ξ: Hey, MIKE.

MIKE: Hey, kid. How's it goin'? [Lowers flame.] I sure am sorry about all this. You know I'd let You back in if I could, but the LADY would have my hide.

ξ: Sure MIKE, I understand that accidents happen and life can be tragic. You're just following orders; no hard feelings.

MIKE: Thanks. [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large ampoule containing 1.3 kg of high purity Oil of Angels.] Here, [Presses it into Ksi's palm.] take this. You'll need it.

ξ: Thanks MIKE. [Staggers over to north gate.]

On the way, KSI ponders, What sound does a refuse pedlar make when he

barrels down our city streets? [Insert nationalist anthem here, with joyous singing and/or patriotic fervor.] She also noticed there had been a crash.

[Enter READER. The doors of the elevator close and the operator pushes a button.]

ELEVATOR OPERATOR: The elevator goes a little lower, and you relax a little more. You’re so very relaxed now in your elevator. Going down. And relaxing even more with each number. Six. Realize how relaxed, calm and peaceful you are on floor six. You enjoy this peaceful ride. It is so peaceful to be right here, right now in this relaxing elevator. So relax. And you will arrive, so happy, so very very calm. You continue traveling down,

GUARD: Last call!

THE SILENT WITNESS: About five in the afternoon the Prophet went out and found still others hanging around the "Toilet" sign. He asked them, “Why are you all still hanging around?”

REASON: Well, at this point it doesn’t matter much. They can only be so dead.

GUARD: [Places the bodies in geometric formation.]

LORD OF ERECTION: Very democratic, dirt is. [Leaning against what was once a corridor wall.] It covers both the quick and the dead.

CHOIR:

Jack be nimble.

Jack be quick.

Jack jump over the candlestick.

STRANGE ATTRACTOR: You may remove the dead body.

CHOIR:

Jack be nimble.

Jack be spry.

Jack jump over the apple pie.

But a flare for exhibitionism drove THE LORD OF ERECTION to keep Jack- turning his hide into a throw rug for the entrance hall. Everything else was shipped to various disclosed locations in 12 x 8" clear plastic bags.

CHOIR:

Jack be nimble.

Jack jump high.

Jack fly up into the sky.

*

[Nightly News with All Green.]

ALL GREEN: Here’s today’s wretched minute. An abandoned Bob was found early this morning floating in Sane River near the West Bank of Ambrosia ...

What is the effect of a wood chipper on a body?

ALL GREEN: Excuse me, a Bob fragment.

Being a news anchor not only requires hard work and the ability to talk through difficult headlines, one also needs to provide a separation of concerns.

ALL GREEN: Now for this, major hat update...

He talked at length with systematic deliberation. Ksi et al. dismissed it as twaddle.

Everything was the same.

∎