I Am The Bad Guy With The Gun
Become The Change You Wish To See In The World
My second and last gun was my sawed off shotgun. It held five shots, loaded from the front. It was an older gun, but very useful, and in working order. I never had to use it for any reason, the main reason I really had the guns were to protect myself yes, but really it was in case I ever needed to off myself. Just having an option, an out, and knowing you have a way was a comfort to me, and to many people I’m sure.
I felt like I was taken care of knowing that if it ever came down to it, I could end my life in a second. The only fear from that however was to pull the trigger and find yourself waking up in the hospital with half your face missing. That would be a horrible way to end a life, living through it all. Having a gun by my side was a form of power, it gave me an exhilaration. One that would be described as the fear of falling. I was on the edge, the fence between right and wrong, knowing very well where I had taken myself.
However, nothing mattered once I held that heavily weighted killing machine in the palm of one hand. Fully able to control something so powerful, enough to end a human life. The facts were there that the feeling would never leave me as long as I’d keep her with me. Feelings are never for ever, they come and go. Which is why she needed to go, the feeling was more than that. It was power and highly corruptible. I could feel, once I had it in the palm of my hand at aim, my pulse increase and an emotion of pure aggressive ego filled my veins until a heard it in my ears.
The feeling of power, true power always came from something external. It was always ego. I've learned lessons from my life of emotion. Lessons only learned from experiencing them over and over. My ego became so heightened my huge head couldnt fit through any doorway, let alone dragging it up the stairway to heaven. I soon hit a point where I needed love instead of filling my heart with useless material power and ego. The last time I held a gun left me the happiest, however in the worst pain of my life.
The blow was hard to handle, i felt betrayed and as though my whole world was crumbling before my eyes. Elijah had just been planted, causing many emotions and great expectations. He was soon to be the light of our lives and an addition to our growing family. I've always wanted a child, ever since I began needing more from life. When you lose and can not, or live without, you then crave the opposite of what you're getting. However it seemed that the devil wasn’t finished with me as I willed my life to change.
My wife had asked me to turn in my sawed off. Since i needed to get away from ego and the way I was living I agreed that it would help me, as someone who thinks a certain way, to get rid of their own way of thinking. I had so many options with a sock of 25 shells. I could have melted it down, I could have sold it, cut it up and buried it, I even could have hid it for later in life as a precautionary measure in case I ever wanted to go back. I quickly took the hardest route as always. We were on our way for dinner to celebrate a new life and a new child now on the way to bring memories into our lives as we aged.
Now in the car we gladly stopped off in Port Credit to pick up the piano box, with the gun along with the sock that held 25 rounds. I shoved it in the trunk and away we went off to the police station to turn the gun in. (See Attached Bail Papers)
Feeling good about my decision and even better to have my mind finally speaking the right voice into my life, I was excited to begin healing and a new way of living. We stopped at the Erin Mills Police Station since that was the closest one to Port Credit.
Before we left we saw incentives or even a no questions asked policy for getting guns off the street as long as no crimes have been committed. This was the case everywhere except mississauga however. Unknowingly I had used what I had learned from the media, the police, and the people around me and had believed to have come to the wrong conclusion but now I see it was still the right thing to do.
They quickly came out of the station after she had said I was there to turn in the gun. Four officers came rushing from the station, and surrounded the car instantly. No guns were drawn as they must have trusted me enough, since I had been there to turn it in. They stood there watching closely as I reached down in my car to pop the trunk. I had the keys on the dash and I put both hands in the air as I stepped out of the car. I slowly walk over to the trunk to get the box.
It was a white piano box about four feet long. I quickly grabbed the box, opened it up to reveal the sock of shells and handed it over to a single officer. Once I had handed it over the look in three of the officers eyes fell. As if saddened, almost like they felt like they had let me down. I was handcuffed by one officer and brought in for questioning before my bus to Maplehurst. As I was waiting to make a statement I felt as though my life had ended.
I could hear the officers playing with the gun behind the door, it was kind of interesting to hear, as i've never really thought about playing with it. They laid 10 gun charges on me, including intent to cause criminal acts, having it loaded (in the criminal code ammunition beside a gun is considered loaded), transportation (to the police station) and the list went on. This was also when Harper put forth minimum sentencing laws, so just turning it in, I was looking at three to six years, then adding on top the other 9 charges another five.
My wife become quickly depressed, but they did allow her to see me as they felt bad. You could see that some didn't like the idea of having me arrested. Our night of happiness and bliss for a new life turned into something horribly disfigured by the way you look at it. To weigh the pros and cons,I think I’d do it again.
The two solid years of house arrest was worth the safety of people. In those two years, unable to leave the house for any reason whatsoever unless accompanied by my wife, had caused our relationship to decline dramatically. I was unable to leave an argument, I was unable to be myself, awaiting a court date that would land me 11 years in prison, because i actually was guilty of all charges presented by the courts. I was waiting to die for two years. They could have allowed me a sooner date with the angel of the crown who was on my side.
The end result landed me no jail time, as all charges were stayed. Now when I talk to the police I just tell them why I have those charges on my record. I was free from prison which was the ultimate goal. It was to live a positive life, free of bullshit that caused this type of mess. Five steps forward two steps back since the decline in my mental state and my record but nonetheless, three steps forward. Getting rid of the gun was a positive step to breaking a built up ego.