How I climbed out of Hell

I awoke at dawn to a text message that he disappeared in the night.

He left with only his Phone, tablet, and the clothes on his back. But what he had forgot was a woman he had broken, and their four-month-old son.

I sent him a message to see where he was. It was another lie. You know when you meet someone and they put on this promise that they are different than the rest? some are true and aren’t like the rest and they are better.. A dream within a nightmare. Then there are some that could charm a snake into shedding its skin too early? I would refer to this charming mask as the “million dollar mirror“ as it could cover his multiple lies as well as his multiple lives with what he wished to project.

The message I received was “I had to get smokes.” He may have gone to town to get smokes but he also went to town to get dope. He, after being saved by everyone else, couldn’t find the will to save himself within himself. There’s a difference Between putting your trust and faith in to someone because you see the good in them Compared to begging to be loved while putting up with the repetitive pain because you see the light In others no matter how torturing the darkness is.

I expected this time to be like the last seven times. I expected to argue only to take him back and help him recover so that he could show his light. However, this time was different. This time the messages were not just an argument the messages were a final farewell.

You see this isn’t your typical abandonment.. no, this is when you’re thrown to the fire with no way out.

After listening to the book of excuses volumes 1, 2 and 3, you eventually get sick of the series. After holding the light for someone who constantly poured a tsunami of painful selfishness onto your own light Dimming it to the point that if it was air; you’d suffocate..you eventually have to drop their lantern.

If I had known it was a farewell knowing what I know now, I would’ve kept my light brighter and allow his to fade-away...Days went by after this and no words were spoken. Before it would be one or two or four days of him being absent. The day it hit a week the call was made. The State trooper showed up and asked me questions regarding the situation With the tone that made no sense.

The tone was light.

Light as a feather while my soul felt as stiff as a board.

I couldn’t understand why such tone was used towards a distraught mother holding her child while explaining why when she finally stood her ground, his light was snuffed out. The only thing I could think to myself were the last words I texted him, “did you die?”

Another week goes on, and my son can’t sleep. My son can’t sleep because his mother couldn’t sleep. His mother couldn’t sleep, because she couldn’t understand how someone who she held the lantern For in the darkest of her own days and with such strength, Could snuff out their light so quickly. You see I always sought the light within people. I chose to show my own light within others darkness so that they knew they had the same light. With him, I thought my light would bring him home.

A month went by and still no word from the State police. Day in and day out I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t received communication. It had been over a month since he had disappeared and the blood stain from unwarranted guilt on my hands couldn’t be washed away. But even those that are meant to protect us couldn’t bother to chase.

A week or so later a government detective decided to make contact. I was greeted with the same tone. What I couldn’t understand was why it was being treated almost as if a dog had gone missing instead of a human. And not just a human, my sons father. My son who couldn’t even receive the respect of having active attentive law-enforcement.

There were promises that were made as to what would be done To sift through the darkness that K had left.. By that time, I had posted pictures pleading for the truth of his location to be unveiled. During this time, I had never felt so alone. I went from being pregnant, to having a baby, to being a single mother, to feeling like a murderer in six months.

You see, when someone who has allowed themselves to be trampled on so that they can hold the light for others finally refuses to hold their light and decides to protect their own including their child’s... their partner usually doesn’t know how to respond. But usually there is a response right?

When someone who always saw the good in others lies down the burdens that were never theirs and holds their shield close to their chest and speaks the truth...the words that are uttered were held in far too long. The words that were spoken out of deep regret and guilted sorrow from someone who always tried to save others before themselves... what should’ve been sunflower petals had quickly evolved into jagged daggers.

You would think when someone who has the purest of light was going through the darkest of times that those that loved her would be there. Those that are meant to protect us would be there. Humanity as a whole would be there... Well, If you thought those would be accurate you could never be so wrong.

Almost 2 months after his disappearance was the time it took for a picture of him to be posted by the state police. By that time I had already created 30 posts if not more. What takes 10 minutes and could’ve possibly saved a life took two months. While I sat with this guilt and this self loathing and shame I still stood up and provided for our son and searched for his father.. because that’s what a decent mother would do. That’s what a decent human should do.

I cannot count the amount of nights my son slept alone due to my trying to find and save his father. If I were to check the amount of Times I went searching for him online, the amount of times I would go for drives looking for him, the amount of moments I was so overcome with guilt that I couldn’t breathe... The moments when I was at work and I would hide to let out A stifled scream To help maintain some kind of composure while I served eggs Benedict with a side of suicide... you could take that time put it in a bucket and paint the world in black.

Where friends, family, and authority should have been, spaces were left. Where compassion and understanding should have been provided, pity and gossip filled the air. Unfortunately due to circumstances yet to be known, but it’s active had to go to conventions and take vacations.. Which is understandable, but when no one is left in charge of a missing persons case and there was a late start to the search... I figured beaches and fancy tax-payers-funded hotel trips would be delayed.

As the weeks went on the only action that was comfortable to take was to be awake. For one cannot have nightmares if not asleep you would think. But what would you suggest when you cannot escape a nightmare that was your life? To some this may seem like a pity party... self-inflicted, woe-is-me misery... but to the misunderstood truth seekers, the misbelieved justice bringers, and The ones that have been left behind to be forgotten...

You know this reality all too well.

*to be continued...*