Will I Ever Learn?

I admit that in the past I have always lost myself in the process of falling in love with somebody else and, being the empath that I am, been utterly blind to the fact that almost every time I fell in love with a narcissist.

Well, except those few times that I was the narcissist;

It is easy to be a narcissist when you have everything required to live a fairly comfortable life at your disposal and hardly need any external help. It is easy to lack empathy when for some reason life or other people feed our human tendency, to be filled with a grandiose sense of self-importance and forget that just the way you look down on someone else is the same way others can look down on you someday. It is easy to be a narcissist when you get used to being needed until the tables turn and you are the one needing a shoulder to cry on, a loan, a place to stay, or a favour of other sorts.

But we don't remember these things when we are young, and/or our lives are full of goodness from beginner's luck. We don't remember these things when our schedules are full and our hearts burst with the fulfilment of always having something important to do.

This is not to say that there is anything fundamentally wrong with believing that we are special and unique or being preoccupied somewhat with the fantasy of being successful and admired by others; This is more to say that the better side of who we are ought to aim not to exploit their admiration as a means to crush the pride they have in themselves.

I did that before and I learned to apologize.

What I did not learn in time enough to not feel as crushed as I do now is when to stop loving the version of who I used to be in others who treat me the way I should not have treated some of those I have left behind. Because, the truth is that, while we all like to sit back and blame the narcissist for hurting us, we forget that at some point we were the narcissist ourselves.

When will I ever learn to walk away from that guy that pretends he did not see my WhatsApp or Telegram message for days before finally responding with the "I was busy" excuse? Why do I respond to him when he messages me after days of silence to ask how I am doing only to ignore my response all over again for another week? Is this me continuing to fall for the person that I regret that I was? Is it a sign that I may not yet have completely forgiven myself for treating someone else the same way?

I admit that my life is at a crossroads with issues yet to be resolved that require time to unfold towards the conclusion that I hope, and that is why I choose not to bother breaking down what these issues are. In simple English, at the moment, life is shit! But I remain grateful because it could always be worse. And that suppressed narcissist in me whines on the regular about how we must revenge and teach these narcissists that are breaking my heart how it's done when life gets better again.

Do you see what I mean?

Will I remember to be kinder and more empathetic towards others when another fortunate phase of life presents itself? Will I remember to be gracious in turning down the affections of someone who I am not mutually attracted to and still be a good friend to them? Will I learn to tow the line between drowning in empathy for others while preserving my personal space and sanity?

Will I ever learn?