Why Me?

Letter to my abuser…

It’s really hitting me today. I think it’s taken me literally 20 years to process it. When I start to actually think about it I get up and do something bc I can’t think about it. I was a child. You knew all of the things I went through at home, the abuse, the neglect, you saw it all firsthand. Not because you were a friend of mine on social media bc you randomly added me (msn instant messenger was really all that was available then for many people, and my parents would’ve freaked had I had a “Friendster” profile. I had old school parents, time period right as social media took off) , but because you were a best friend of my dads.

The one no one ever suspects, the kind of thing that you see on a fucking lifetime movie. The kind of thing that people don’t talk about, the kind of thing that in most people’s heads is so rare of an occurrence that it’s not even something to be worried about or stressed about. To those kinds of people? It happens. Every. Fucking. Day.

I hear people talking about their rapes, about their sexual traumas, and I never ever thought to even stop and think about what happened, and consider the fact that I may have been sexually assaulted. I always felt that I knew what I was doing (even though it happened after I’d been drinking) so I was 50% to blame. I held most of the blame of what happened during that time on myself and never thought to even stop and realize that yes, I had been sexually assaulted, and that even though I’d said it was ok didn’t mean that it was ok. I was a child, you were a grown ass adult with a wife and child that was one of my dads best friends.

You had known me since I was 9 or 10 years old (maybe older) and you’d started working with my dad, and came home with him for whatever reason. I imagine some form of drug or other, and you were married to or in a serious relationship with a lady that had a kid that was about my age (a year or two younger maybe), and I thought she was cool to hang out with. We were kids, & had fun together. I even stayed the night once because I’d enjoy hanging out with your spouse’s little girl. The first time I’d read R.L. Stein’s book about The Beast roller coaster at Kings Island was when I’d stayed the night at yours’ and her apartment with her little girl.

You didn’t come around much for a couple of years, I didn’t really notice. When I was 12 or 13, you & my dad were still friends, and when you’d come & visit my dad & hang out, you & Your ex had gotten a divorce/split up, and you were still friends with my dad so you’d get ahold of him & come down on the weekends & you all would get wasted drunk/whatever the substance of the week was. You started talking to me more often when you’d come and visit my dad at that point also.

You started to bring your new gf , who quickly became your new fiancé/wife, with you to my mom & dads. She was always a decently nice lady, & I liked her ok but there’s nothing exceptional that I remember, and that isn’t meant in any kind of bad or mean way, she was really a sweet lady, I just don’t remember much. I think partly because of the head injury, but partly because of the guilt that I feel because of what happened. You & she got married, had a baby, and moved to Louisville.

By that time, I’d become close friends with a girl from school, and you invited us down to stay a couple of nights to hang out & smoke weed/drink & rent some new movies. Nothing but something a couple of teen girls would have fun with, and it was just so we could hang out somewhere and do things like that that we enjoyed doing not under the watchful eye of parents. We’d all talk online sometimes, and it didn’t seem like anything bad. I thought it was kinda weird that someone would innocently provide something like that for two teens just trying to have fun, but it didn’t really seem like anything bad or with ill intent.

When we were down there hanging out with you, we all had a fun time and watched movies, smoked weed and all that fun stuff (really though it was just smoking and drinking, no inappropriate things involved. Well the smoking and drinking was inappropriate, but that’s pretty obvious. It wasn’t a huge deal though. We went to the mall on the way to take Jenn and I home, because Trish needed something from there, so while there we all walked in to buy some body spray. I went crazy with all of the stuff I liked, specifically cucumber melon scented stuff (some other smells also, mainly that though)& because Your wife was with us, she smelled all of the things I was looking at, & said how good it smelled. So when she was done getting what she’d come into this store for, she’d told me that she was looking for some new scents and grabbed the body wash and spray that I’d shown her. When we got to the front you’d had the same scented stuff, but along with those two things there was lotion, and literally everything that could be bought from the store in that scent (cucumber melon). Another fragrance too, I think it was a type of berry scent , but I can’t remember which one. I just know that when they all rang up, they were more than $150.

To a 15 year old girl, $150 means a lot more than it does to that same person 20 years down the road. So someone spending that much on a gift (even family friends-you’re the only one that had ever had that kind of money to spend on a single person like you did me out of their friends-you tended to make a lot more than most of their other friends), it was something to be shocked by.

I did have a “crush” on you when I was a younger kid, so of course I’m going to try to be grown up and hang out-especially when it involves things like smoking weed and getting drunk.

Especially because since October, I just haven’t felt right. You see, I’d been dating my “first love” from the time I was 13 to when we’d broken up that October, & I was 15. Almost a year and a half, that was now just gone. Wasted, along with my virginity for that matter….

We’d came and stayed for a couple of days during fall break. When I say “we”, I mean my friend & I. Honestly thinking about it now makes me realize that you’d probably had thoughts on both of us. Maybe even at once. Well that didn’t happen (& never would thank God).

Idk I guess that I felt special or some other stupid emotion like that. I think it happens to most females to be honest. Maybe even most people….

That is, for almost all people, at least once in their life, an older person gives them a compliment or a comment, and it just makes their whole world light up, and they feel special for a little while, maybe because of how it’s said, the tone of your voice, the way it all seems so sickeningly like Romeo and Juliet (with at least one of the the ages being older).

I stayed my whole spring break with you at your family’s house (like mom/aunt etc), & while your family was there, your wife & child weren’t. Those were completely ok days, nothing at all sexual was even acknowledged between you & me at that point, and it’s one of the last times I remember being a “kid” in your presence. I was 15 & broken up then also. Idk what made me suddenly a young woman and not a kid to you anymore. Maybe it was finding out that I’d had sex, maybe it was something of the fact that I was my age and significantly more grown up than most others my age, I mean I’d been through a lot…..a lot that you’d seen since I was 8,9,10 years old. My mind was far more mature than the average 15 year old, & I’m sure you loved taking advantage of that fact. The fact that I had more actual thought behind my mentality and wasn’t just a vivacious,normal teenager in being interested in normal healthy things like trying to be a cheerleader, or being popular in high school, etc etc I’m sure was something that added to whatever sick want or need that you’d had for my teenage self that year. I was “different”; you’d said it yourself. Apparently so was Jenn, but idk what happened there bc she and I weren’t close during that time, so idk if what you’d told her was the exact same shit that I’d been told, but I’m willing to bet that it was.

I think my breakup that year was why I’d put so much behind everything you’d said. I’d put way too much behind what you’d said, I realize that now. I don’t know why I thought I was something special, but I think most teens who have similar situations feel this way. That no one could ever ever ever understand me, that even though a married man cheating with a girl that’s almost 20 years younger than him & his wife , he was cheating on his wife with me, that I was something special. I wasn’t. I was just a piece of teen ass to be had for the taking that summer, which is absolutely disgusting and cringe when I think about it now, 20 years later when I’m the age you were.

I can’t even fathom having much to say to someone that’s 19-20 years younger than me,hell I have a hard time knowing what to say to someone that’s 18 years younger than me, and she’s my daughter. My daughter, (whose dad saved me that year, from this whole bullshit fiasco), MY DAUGHTER THAT IS 19(ALMOST 4 YEARSOLDER THAN I WAS AT THAT POINT…..let that sink in.

Maybe you thought I’d be that person who fell for “oh you’re so special to me”…..obviously, I’m not. Thank God for that, otherwise I’d never have gotten with who I’m married to & happily devoting myself to for the rest of my life to I don’t think. I’m shocked that he’d wanted me in the first place, I obviously didn’t feel good enough about myself to think such. He did though, and I’m so thankful for that every day, every fucking day, that he wanted me after I’d talked to him about that, and that he’s kept me happily for 20 years so far.

I don’t know why you did what you did, and I likely never will. Thinking about it now though horrifies me, and I’m so thankful that my kids (especially my oldest) have had the proper parenting to know that things like this aren’t ok.

What I’m saying I guess is that I feel disgusting now over it, and likely always will. I’d met the best man of my life that year, & had even talked to him some while I’d been at your house, getting wasted…..bc after all, who wouldn’t try to help a teen that they’d fed ten tons of bullshit to continue to have a good time while giving them a fifth (or close to) of hard liquor to have every two-three days or so? I was there for 6-7 days, and easily went through every bit of alcohol you’d had, and bought. Would you have let your daughter drink that much alcohol at once? Better yet, how would you feel knowing your teen daughter was drinking like that at *your* close friend’s house, and that your “close friend” had intentions of his own….?

I don’t know why you did what you did, and I don’t know why it was me you chose to do it with. Although I guess at least now I do know that it’s something that does happen, although I’m not sure how common it actually is, I know it happens.

For every woman that’s ever heard of something like this as the wife, or been through something like this, I want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is something that you’ll deal with mentally for the rest of your life, and I’m sorry you felt the need to do this in the first place. Every story about the “why” is different, and all judgment should be reserved, bc when things like this happen & are learned about by the actual spouse of the abuser, they’ll usually make the decision to stay because “one bad decision doesn’t destroy someone’s soul”……although, in my opinion, with something like this, that’s debatable. To the wife who’s either choosing to blindly stay with someone who obviously had pedophiliac tendencies & believes every word he says or is staying because she doesn’t know about what happened, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that someone, anyone would do this to you, because you obviously love(d) this person when they did it, and I can’t imagine how that fucks with your head-bc as the woman (child at the time) that I am now, I can see why it’s a difficult situation, and why some wives stay-but I can’t commend it, and I can’t say I’d stay. I’d be too worried about my future children, as sexual abuse is with someone the child (be it that the child is 10 years old or 15 years old) almost always knows, and is almost always someone in the home. I’m sorry that your husband is someone who did this, and most of all, I’m sorry I was the girl that he did it with. I’ll never be ok feeling that, but it’s something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. I’m sorry. I don’t know who I’m apologizing to-his wife or myself. I think a little of both.

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