Why I’m Torn About My Name

I’ve gone by many names over the years, Sami, Sami boo boo, Fruitcake, Sami-Bami, Penelope Pee Pants Parrish, but Samantha is not one of the names that I like. This gives a whole new spin on My Name is by Eminem, can you imagine the verse Slim Shady replaced with Pee Pants Parrish? (not a bad rap right, but I'll leave the rapping to slim shady).

Names are something that I don’t necessarily think about, but when it comes to my own name it’s been a funny journey to reflect on. I do remember when I first realized that I didn't have to go by Samantha when my mom would call me Sami, and that was the name I was comfortable with because of how Sami was used more in reference to love and compassion. There are people that can’t spell Samantha, not judging here, it took me a while to spell my name, there are a lot of A’s.I usually just go by Sami, Because it’s easier for most people and that’s the name that I have been comfortable with.

We identified by our name, sometimes we are given different names for a reason that comes in the evolution to be re-christened. In a way, we get many names to one person. Names can be shortened and then there are some names that are just not liked. When I tell people my name I never really introduce myself as Samantha, I always say “My name is Sam, just like Sam I am, but I don’t like green eggs and ham”. It’s a good tagline so people remember my name because I just wanted to stay as far away from Samantha is possible.

During school, my friends would call me Samantha because it's what was listed on my name tag for people to know my name, I just didn't care. A name was a name and I knew Samantha was my name that people called me.

The name was chosen for me by my grandmother because she had a feeling that my mother was going to be having a girl. My mother wanted a boy and to name the boy Justin. My mother never got Justin and instead she got a Samantha and she has told me that she is very grateful that I turned out to be a girl than a guy.

Over the time of my youth I registered my name from different people and identified how my name was used. I analyzed that I was called two different names, I was only referred to as Samantha by my schoolmates and I was Sami at home. As time went on, that name Samantha changed for me, when someone would call me with those extra five letters, I didn't like how it sounded. It felt, it was too proper, not comfortable. As time went on I pushed my teachers to call on me as Sami then Samantha, it did cause a bit of a problem and some of the classes when there were some classmates named Samuel or Samantha. I pushed even further away from Samantha and I just did not want to use it. I used to joke and say “Samantha is my trouble name”, but at the same time it really is my trouble name. My discomfort for my name grew when it was used in tone to show anger, I unfortunately can't even recall a time when Samantha was used affectionately in tone, I would remember it. I know this because I’ve remembered how someone was angry with me, they had to use the extra five letters of my name to get me to realize how much I made them angry or frustrated. I've never forgotten how the tone came out in that name.

It was used by my mom as many mothers do whenever they are upset with their child that the seriousness has to come across with the full name and not the nickname. It's understandable for the tone and whole name, it had to happen, I was a kid, I got in trouble. Whenever I heard “Samantha!” I would feel my heart clinch up. Because I would feel that I did something wrong. When my teachers would yell at me with my name, they would usually say Samantha in such a strict tone that it frightened every fiber in my body.

But not just in anger, but in disappointment

The one thing that I’ll never forget was in elementary school, a cruel classmate of mine had told me to my face, “you ruin everything Samantha”

And then these unfortunate tough lines were used with my name-

“You’re going to get it Samantha”

“Get it done Samantha”

“F*ck you Samantha”

That’s a lot of negative ways that my name has been used. But it was never used with Sami, only Samantha. There are some people that referred to me by Samantha purely because they wanted to be respectful to say a full name, that's no problem and I appreciate that. I tell them at a later point in time in a casual way to refer to me as Sami because it's the name I appreciate it. Sometimes they refer to me as Sami, sometimes it’s Samantha, As long as it’s not the other cruel names I was given.

Obviously My username on vocal is my first name and my author name for my book is also my full name. I use Samantha for professional reasons because it sounds better. When it comes to emails, I'll put my nickname in middle with quotation marks to indicate what I want to be called by for the personal affinity that I choose to give someone. But outside of the professionalism, I don’t really like being called Samantha.

My ex-boyfriend and I had a conversation about my name, I told him that I really don’t like my extra five letters to my name because it just makes me uncomfortable from the past uses of that name for disappointment . He told me that he actually prefers my full name over my nickname because it sounds more feminine.

After we had that conversation, the next day we were shopping, he took a phone call and referred to me as Samantha in his conversation. For once it was interesting to register my name and not feel too much tense mess in my heart. It still stiffens my heart from the reminder of pain that Samantha is usually associated with pain, frustration, and sternness.

The name Samantha still gives me this feeling of stiffness and stern, there are other people that will view my name very differently because that’s just the way it works in life. Someone is going to see some thing different than the way that the original person will see it whether it's someone's appearances or what is examined from learning about their mannerisms. I am glad that people do find Samantha in a different way than I do, so I am open to hearing the different ways that someone defines my name than the way that it has been defined in my life from the experience of my name Samantha.

But I still wouldn't mind a remix of Eminem's "My Name is" with my nick names.

Hi!

My name is

What?

My name is

Who?

My name is

Sami Boo Boo

Sami Bami