Who am I

Many people have not gotten to know this girl, and I wish they did. I know I miss her.

I caught a glimpse of her in 2017 on a missions trip to New York City. I'm on a long journey to bring her back, she's been hidden since 2012.

This girl was: joyful, happy, patient, outgoing, extroverted, loud (that hasn't really changed), loved hugs, being around people and loved helping people, loved smiling, laughing, getting pictures taken, sports, leading, working on cars, working out, CONFIDENT in who God created her to be. Loved without limits, boundaries, or conditions. Was not afraid to speak up but didn't protect or stick up for herself. Loved serving at church and being in groups. Loved being on stage and being heard.

She is still all of these things, she just needs to find the confidence to bring her back. God has called her to be this and so much more!

This girl has been: anxious, depressed, reserved, introverted, shy and quiet (at times), not a fan of pictures, likes hugs but not all the time, hasn't been to the gym, prefers to hide away, has had low self esteem and lacked confidence. Questioning other peoples motives, always feeling like she's being judged, not allowing people especially family (new and old) to get close, bitter, sad, mean, unkind, jealous, difficult. I don't even recognize this person and this person has caused some issues.

This girl has tried to be someone that the world was telling her who she should be. Instead of being who God has called her to be. She has done a lot of soul searching and writing, trying to find her way back. Trying to remember when and how she lost herself. She will get there. She will be who God has called her to be.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

This girl has been through some trauma. Some life changing events that have made her who she is now, just like everyone else. We all have a version of ourselves that we lost, but it's up to us to bring them back if we liked them more. If we respected and loved that person more. You wouldn't change the experiences, just change who it made you.

I wouldn't change my past if my life depended on it, but I will certainly change who it made me. I don't really know when the change happened. Maybe I changed when the people I counted on most let me down, maybe when I got cheated on. Maybe when I was abandoned by a family member, who really knows. There are so many things that could have contributed to who I am today, but what I do know is I don't like her. I love who I used to be. I loved how care free and loving I was towards everyone. I loved that I didn't have a tainted view of the world or questioned motives.

It's a big wake up call when you write down everything you used to be and compare it to who you are now, only to find out that person doesn't exist. That person hasn't existed for a long time and it has caused some tensions in relationships and families. I desire so deeply to find her and bring her back.

I need to find her. I need to bring her back, that's the real me. That's the me I loved, respected, protected, and cared for. I need to love myself again, but first I need to find her.