What Many Refuse to Say

A man helped me in such a way that it will never be forgotten. I have cared for my family for over twenty years. At the age of eight, I obtained my first job. By the time I turned eleven, I purchased everything I needed for my first apartment. I wasn't thinking about a house. although, I was raised in a beautiful home in a country setting with both parents and siblings for playmates until, my dad and mother decided to separate, then divorce. My mother took the children, gave my dad the house and the property along side of it. Being so young, I could not understand why we were in a different city and my dad at home alone. I just wanted to go home to my dad, sit and watch television as I did from the age of four next my dad.

After the divorced, we moved in with a friend of my mothers' who later became her new spouse from a group she attended regularly. Me being the eldest at the time, was given the responsibilities of the household and my siblings due to my mother working three part time jobs to keep us afloat. My dad paid child support which was garnished by his request weekly from his check to us. My dad was a loving man and gentle. He loved my mother with all his heart. I remember my mom, trying to teach him how to two-step so, they could go out together sometimes... My dad was unable to learn the steps and got angry. My mother taught my dad how to channel his anger which was a good thing.. I remember him snatching the door off the hinges to the entrance of the house. Trust me, it was a very heavy door on a very strong made home with wood shingles from the 1800's. My dad was the kind of man that many women wished for. He's handsome, workaholic, brought home his check, they paid the bills, bought groceries together and what else they felt the household needed. When it came to any extra things he may desire, he sold scrap metal which paid decently during the late 60's for his other pleasures. I do believe my mom, loved my dad, she married young around the age of fourteen which was standard for a female to marry then. Parents felt, when their daughters reached an age where they want to talk back or have boyfriends, it was time to marry so, my mother married her first boyfriend. They had eleven children together and I am the only female of the group. As a child, I could not understand as I mentioned above why my parents could not stay together. As an adult, I understand that people tend to grow apart for reasons that are valid to them.

My dad began visiting us after I had my first child. He taught me how to drive a standard shift truck at the age of thirteen with the shift on the steering column. It was a wonderful time for me as I got the opportunity to spend quality time with him. One night, I received a call from a hospital asking me to come pick my dad up! He's is being discharged from the hospital. The moment I hung up the phone, my mom was standing there and said she would drive me there and I can drive his truck back. As we prepared to leave, she told me something I wasn't aware of. My dad has mental illness and this was not the first time he had a nervous breakdown. She told me that he suffers with Paranoia Schizophrenia. I did not know this nor understood its signs or symptoms.

I signed my dad out the hospital, drove him home and stayed with him for a few weeks. In fact, I felt this was perfect! I can move back home. The next day, we drove to my mothers place, she told me she would keep the baby until I get settled. I grabbed some of my things and we headed back to the house. I figured we would be happy like before, except mom was missing and my brothers. When it came time to prepare a meal, I learned my dad is a big eater. I went into the kitchen, fried a chicken and prepared the side dishes to go with it. I informed my dad that the food is ready. He came to the kitchen, saw the appealing foods and with a gleam in his eyes, the deep fried chicken then replied, "thanks, what you going to eat?" I said, "some of that! My dad replied, "nope, this is all mine." I had a baby tantrum, raced to the phone and called my mom and told her, "daddy won't share the chicken or the other foods." she said, "Oh I forgot to tell you he always had his own food. I cooked his food separate from ours. He eats a whole chicken." I was floored. I sat there watching him eat with a poker face saying well, I eat later when I'm hungry. I was hungry! it took a long time to thaw one chicken. Microwaves weren't in every home back then.

The next day I realize how to cook due to my mother's advice. My dad had medications he had to take daily. I made sure he took them as prescribed. One day, he decided to take a walk. I asked him if he like me to walk with him? He said, "no". I tried to insist but he began beating his hand upon the fence line and I knew from childhood that means, he is putting down the law. His doctor called while he was walking off and I told him what was happening. The doctor said to let him go, not to force him to stay at home. I wish I was bigger and stronger then, my dad went to visit a woman that owned a café'. She had her eyes on him and he came back to tell me about this woman that he thinking about marrying.. WoW!, all of this happened from a walk? I asked him questions about the woman where she from, how long he knew her, if she has children, the full drill right? He just said, I want you to meet her. I took my lovely time meeting this woman that I felt wasn't good enough for my daddy. I took four months and during the four months let me tell you what happened. Daddy asked me if I wanted to go get me some more clothes and stuff I said, yeah. He took me to my mothers and drove off. I waited for him to return, I called him on the phone everyday, many times... no answer about the fourth month, a female answers the phone and I ask who is this? She ask me the same. I told her who I am and that I want to talk to my dad. She told me that my dad did not live there. I asked her the address of where she's at? Her reply was 5621 Bertellis Lane. That's my address and my daddy lives there. The female hung up the phone. I called back so many times, she took the phone off the hook. I waited a few days later, got my moms vehicle and drove out to the house. I knocked and a tall slim dark female came outside with long hair. She said, "you looking for your dad, he lives at the cafe' with my mom." After giving me the address and directions, I drove there, hit brakes and slid on the gravel parking lot. I walked inside and saw a heavy set woman sitting in a chair and my dad next to her. He seem to be mesmerized with this woman and could not take his eyes off of her.

Hi, I'm your dad's new wife. No you're not, let's go daddy I said. She laughed, then told him to tell me who she is and honestly speaking, that was the wife from hell. This woman moved her children in my dad's home, kept him living with her at a café' with no reason to go back to that house at all. She whispered in my ear, that house your dad say belongs to you, now it belongs to my children. I did not realize the severity of my dad's illness as I stated before. He saw this woman as his mother at times. I informed his doctor which told me he is not in a frame of mind for getting married and it needs to be annulled. A few months later, he called me on the phone and said, "come get my truck and all my keys. hurry!" I mentioned what he said to my mother and she drove me to the house. Upon entering, the keys were not where my dad normally leaves them. His truck wasn't in the driveway, neither was he present.

His new wife appeared with a pistol in her hand, saying we wasn't getting the truck and he did not call me. This woman was not the best in character. I waited a while for my dad to appear but he did not. I later learned after her death she kept him drugged and one of sons, forced him to sign over his bank account by threats. My dad was driven in a U-Haul truck with two of his second wife children to Texas and left in an apartment. he made a promise to her upon her dying he would care for them.

My uncle reached out to me and told me that my dad was in trouble and needed my help. I learned of his location and struck out to find him. My step-siblings, left them with three months of rent pass due, sixteen pizzas in the freezer, eight boxes of salt and ten cans of black pepper in the pantry. They held on to the mailbox key and told him there was no money coming in the mail for him which wasn't true. I went to the bank and pulled money from my savings account, paid their utilities, rent and paid it up for a few more months in advance, filled their freezer and refrigerator. I thank the apartment manager for not putting them out. She was very understanding and assisted me with everything. Including ensuring he got his mail.

Months later, my dad, my sister by marriage and her daughter, were afraid to live there any longer. My step- siblings were coming by yelling at the door with threats, beating on the windows. I moved my dad and siblings closer to me and my children. At the end of one year, I took my dad to the doctor for his routine checkup. The doctor advised me he cannot live alone. He was experiencing the first stage of Alzheimer's. I loved my dad, we had a lot in common. We both were workaholics, strong, enjoy coffee and wine. We talked late at night and I baked sweets for him and my sister every night. I realized one day when a snake was in our yard my dad wasn't as he was when I was younger. I noticed a few months after that, when two men (sheriffs) pulled over to the side of the road and came in our yard to talk to him, he was afraid. I went outside as he was trying to hurry and come inside. I told him, hold on they just come to talk.

The Sheriffs, said, "Sir, we see you out here everyday chopping down trees with a hand axe, cutting grass and keeping the flower beds clean, we just want to shake your hand. You're the hardest working man in Cleveland." My dad smiled and that was the beginning of friendship for him with those men and the community. Many men came by to visit him and chat after that. A few brought their chainsaws and cut the trees into blocks that we could use as firewood during the cold weather.

Some younger men would come by to help out just because they saw him in the yard. One particular young man offered his services for no pay he just wanted to help my dad. He said, I got this for you pops, my daddy smiled. That young man about thirty two years of age I guess, picked up a log like my dad normally do and dropped it with the other wood. He lifted the last eight logs which were all from a Maple tree and stacked them. I was so impressed I offered him money for helping out. We never saw that young man again.

I remember, a woman and her spouse visited one day. They began talking about this man that worked for the City they called Bang, bang. Turns out she was one of the women who worked in the office. After she and her husband finished talking about him. I said, "would you believe that is my dad?" I called him outside and they treated him like a celebrity as his picture, plaque is still hanging at the City of Houston Solid Waste Division on Judiway with the words "THE HARDEST WORKING MAN FOR CITY OF HOUSTON" I'm sure it will be retired one day, My daddy was the only man that could lift two full galvanized trash cans over his head and empty at the same time then, bang the cans together. They took pictures of him doing so. On his route, the homeowners would shake his hand give him tips.

Now that I have given you a overview of my dad's character, he was a prayerful person. He pray for anyone and God heard his prayers. I was threatening an embolism years ago, trouble breathing. I told my dad, I need air. I sat on the deck, he sat next to me, laid his hand upon my lungs and was quiet. within eight minutes, I was talking about a cup of coffee. He smiled at me and I realized he just prayed for me. We went to the kitchen and had a cup of coffee. Although my dad suffered with mental illness, I treated him with respect at all times. I gave him hugs and told him how much I love him and appreciate him being in my life again. On November 9, 2011, my dad left and I was sadden for close to a year. The grief left when I had a dream that he came to visit me and asked me how am I and what I have been doing. He told me about him going to see the doctor and all and I said, 'great! you can come home when you ready." He looked at me and began to ease off into the crowd of people so, I changed my words and said, well, you welcome to come back whenever you like." That was the last time he visited me in a dream so, I healed from missing him so bad knowing that on the other side, things aren't so different. You just change dimensions for residency.

My sister by marriage and her daughter continues to live with me as I know they are not able to care for themselves and my brother showed up at the end of 2015. They are all Intellectually Disabled. Most have been with me over twenty years. There are times they do the unthinkable things like, try to attack you while your back is turned. Steal money, food, gum etc. Devoting much of my time towards them made me realize, I have no social life as I desired. The dating scene isn't what I remember it to be. Seems like older men are no different than a twenty year old. Their version of meet and greet isn't the way I remember it to be. Seems like getting to know someone on a serious level isn't what most are interested in doing. In fact, the more I tried to entertain a relationship, the harder my siblings made things for me. I remember having a gentleman over just to talk in hope we may have something in common. We sat at the bistro table drinking bottled water. He asked for another bottle so, I headed towards the door to get one from the kitchen. As I opened the door, my brother fell into the room on the floor. The man asked me, did he see what he thought he did and I replied, yes. I gave him his bottle of water and he made an excuse about work and left. I too would have left if something like that took place while I was visiting someone. You never know so, its best to be safe.

Another incident, my sister by marriage, riding in the vehicle with me to go visit a friend of mine who worked for a land developing company, decided to jump out of a moving vehicle prior to me stopping and placing in gear. As I pulled up to the building, she opens the door while the vehicle is moving and jumps out! I parked, locked it and went inside. The man was standing at the door. After entering the building I noticed he sat on the far side about 20 feet away. I thought to myself that its odd of him when he normally greets me at the door. We chatted about the property of my interest. I left and my sister began waving at the man, saying I see you again. He did not respond. A few weeks later, she tells me he want her, that he kissed her. Truthfully speaking, it was the other way around and I understood why the man sat far away from the both of us as he did not want to create an altercation.

These are just a few things that I have experienced with my siblings. The purpose of me disclosing this story is for the sake of sanity. If you remember my dad had mental illness, my brother was born with a mild degree of it which matured as he got older. Due to me dealing with family on a daily basis that are unable to care for themselves, I tend to get caught up with the adjectives they use towards me daily. I ignore them for a few days and pretend that what they say to me doesn't hurt but it does. I also purchase nice things for them and they throw away or give away. My sister's closet was filled from one end to the other with suits, skirts, pants pant suits and shoes. Lots of her things had tags still on them. I went to get her dressed one day for church and she told me she had no clothes to wear. I told her she has plenty. When I went to the closet it was almost empty. She threw away her clothes and some she gave to her daughter who disclosed she threw them away after it was done and not before. I have purchased many clothes for her since then, only to learn she keeps giving them away or throwing in trash. She prefers to look like she has nothing which saddens me for my efforts, I feel are in vain.

I lashed out at my brother in the company of someone I hold in high regards. It wasn't a very nice thing I did but it was done. When the person spoke with me via phone, I was informed of my character and how I made myself to look less than of whom I truly am. That was his first impression of me and it cannot be taken back! The truth, was harsh but truth and I respect the truth. I feel this will cause me to be a better person than I have been. Dealing with people who are deemed unable to care for themselves, yet they are sane at times, can cause you to question you own sanity. I was not given a chance to tell my side of the story at all. I triggered a memory which never should've been unearthed in my friend. I was advised to take classes after twenty one years on how to handle people with mental health. I once was able to call for respite occasionally, I'm told his case is being closed. When he refuses to take meds and need to be stabilized, the crisis team would come. However, the case has been closed after forty plus years. I love my family, I realize I lost a good friend due to my attitude. However, I feel, my friend should have at least allowed me to speak and have some compassion. Everything isn't black or white, yes or no. Some answers cannot be given that way and this is what was asked. I am very apologetic for my actions. I have made myself a strong vow, no matter what, keep my composure and pray more. I know someone, out here is dealing with a situation that seems to be greater than their patience at times. I want to encourage you not to give up or give in. Try to have strong quality friends to assist you in your times of need. Mental illness doesn't just happens to one family member. It can lie dormant for years and attack anyone at any given time through traumas, emotions and or birth defects.