What I Never Told You

We as adults can attribute most of who we have become to our parents. One parent, in particular, makes a big impact on us while we grow up. Sometimes they know just how much influence they have had on you and other times they don't, that is unless you spell it out for them. That person tends to be the one who was either absent from your life (for those in single-parent households) or the one that was there for everything (can be for either single-parent or two-parent households). Or in my case where I lived in a couple of households, thank you adoption system...

They really should have done a better job of screening potential parents, but if they did I probably wouldn't have become the person I am today. And who I have become I owe to you mother. The life I was given due to the choices that you had made when I was just a kid has influenced many decisions I have made over the years and even impacts how I want to raise my kids.

I never told you before that you were an awful parent but your replacement wasn't any better, the only difference is that I have had the chance to tell my stepmother just how terrible of a person she was to me when it was her turn to raise me. Maybe I just drew the short straw on mothers!

In any case, you taught me that I could take care of myself at a young age. That even the smallest things can have severe consequences. Growing up with you I had to learn how to toughen myself up mentally so that nothing could ever bother me. Because if I didn't, what you did to me and my brother probably would have broken me beyond repair. Abuse is not something a child should have to deal with at such a young age. Neither is trying to protect a younger sibling from the pain so that way they could have it easier. I think it's because of this that I split up my personality. No, I don't mean having two personalities where I think I'm two completely different people or genders. But where I would act one way at home and another when I was with other people.

At home, I would be quiet and keep to myself whereas around others I was this bubbly cheerful girl. Both are me but I had to watch which part of me showed around my family and which I could be away from them. Even when my brother and I were taken away from you I kept this trend up because my stepmom didn't like who I was. I was constantly compared to her daughter and expected to be a certain way. So the things I learned from when I lived with you helped when dealing with her. So for that at least, thank you. Whenever I tell people about how I grew up between you and my stepmom they are surprised I turned out so well.

I know now that you probably either regret a lot of what went on when I was young or don't remember but I do appreciate you trying to bridge the gap that had come between us all those years ago. I never told you any of this before but these are a few of the things that have stuck with me through the years. I will always love you but I am unsure if our relationship can ever be fully mended. I do hope that one day in the future we can be a family again. Because even though I haven't seen you in so long I do look forward to the day that I can sit and talk with you face to face. Because I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. You will always be my mom and I know you weren't the best at it growing up but because of you, I can be the very best mom for my kids.