What does it mean to Suffer in Silence?

To suffer in silence. Recent events in my life have caused great stress and frustration. At times it feels like my entire world is crashing down around me and that I am spiraling out of control. But why can't I just say these things? Why do I sit here in silence and carry an insurmountable weight? I wish I had the answers to these questions. While I certainly don't know how to push past this roadblock to emotional freedom, I can however do my best to explain how one might feel: suffering in silence.

The suffering of saying nothing can be as painful as the emotions we hold back. The desperate desire to seek someone out to express my frustration, our anger, our sadness is suppressed by this stubborn voice in our head, "You can bear this weight. Don't burden others with your problems." No matter how small the voice is, how faint in the distance it can be, it will always overpower our other desires. This voice trails like how a newborn duck follows its mother. It isn't in view, but is always there. Intermittently we find ourselves staring into the blurred distance, questioning our actions and feelings. I wonder if it is some misplaced pride that is forcing us to stay silent, or a stubborn want to appear strong and stable. We tell ourselves all the time that to accept help is ok, that there is no need to go it alone when we have so many around willing to help. But that small voice creeps up and takes command. It'll tell us that, "Others are doing the same as you. Pushing down their problems to help you with yours. You can't let that happen. Why should they suffer when you can? You can bear this burden but they can't. They deserve happiness, even if it means you suffer." I wish I could say this voice in our heads is cold and cruel, but it speaks with a silver tongue and reasons in a way that we struggle to argue against. It's impossible to shake, and I wish I could say this was the worst of it. But this is only the mental state of those that suffer in silence. There is also a physical aspect that plagues us.

Even when loved one's approach us and ask what is wrong or how they can help: our jaws clench, we choke down our words, and tell them that everything is alright. Nothing that we can't handle. That lie will then lay atop the mounds of unspoken words. It can be nauseating at times to hold back the feelings we want to share. The words bubble in our stomachs, fighting to make their way out. Upset stomach can easily be the single worst feeling. Having to constantly stay near a bathroom, be scared to eat certain foods, and worry about long car rides is a heavy toll. It becomes even worse when we don't want to attend events with those we care about because the discomfort is so great. At times it can feel as if one could explode. Our faces can flush, bodies burn hot like a fever, and the strongest of headaches make chronic appearances. Shoving the words down makes it feel like a bubble has formed in our throats. It feels like our throats could explode expelling nothing but rambling words and long, repetitive rants.

The great irony is that when we hold these feelings in and don't share them with those who are around to help, we end up feelings worse and causing more harm and frustration for both ourselves and others. This toxic trait is not easy to simply change either. When spending so much of life holding your feelings in, it can feel strange and uncomfortable to share. That little voice will always be in the back of your head persuading you to keep these feelings tucked away for others sake. The physical weight will weigh on you the longer you hold these feelings in. I wish there was a simple way to change but change is never simple. If I could provide my own advice for those who want to share but feel they can't, I would say to start out small. There is no need to verbal vomit years of pent up emotions and worry about overwhelming someone. Just one problem at a time find a way to sit down, even if there is no one around and just speak aloud ones feelings. Small leaps can lead to giant bounds, know your feelings are justified. Know that you are loved and wanted. Know those around you truly care and will not be burdened by the weight that you carry.