Turn away please, while I get naked.

I’m low on juice this week, at a low ebb. Down in the dumps. A little overwhelmed by life and a little sad. I want to thank a few of my fellow creators (shall I name them? They know) for picking up on this oh so subtle blue tint that has appeared in my writing and checking I am ok. It was nice to be asked. And nice to feel that there is community here. Imperfect, variegated, but present. Unlike me. I have not been terribly present, and I forgive myself for that. Is there some way of filing for later stories I want to read but haven’t had capacity for? They’re landing like micro plastics in the ocean this week and I have the bandwidth of a maternity nurse 9 months after the war began.

However. I am ok, be reassured. What is not ok is my writing. I have sat down to expertly craft the first chapter of the next great (English) novel, a book that will tower in the consciousness of a generation, and it is failing to arrive on the page. Or, actually in my head. So lets take a break, and take up Kayleigh’s getting to know me challenge. After all, then I can stop feeling like a party pooper every time I read a new one.

1. Thing 1 - there are two things, here labelled thing 1 and thing 2, which I think define my life. The first is that I am adventurous. I believe this is both innate and learnt, but I want to try it all. Not quite all, actually, as we shall come too, but a lot. I have travelled to over 40 countries, experimented with different jobs, boldly attempted all sorts of activities. The world is an exciting place, and if geology and the natural world aren’t enough, our artistic and scientific endeavours are incredible! If you want someone to try a new thing with you, I will probably say yes. Then, these days, I will probably say maybe not actually, but we will come to that as well.

2. Thing 2 - I have a domineering and crippling phobia which means that I am anxious almost all of the time. Danger is everywhere and despite the danger being omnipresent, I’d far rather be at home with it that out with it. Thus, I would quite like to never leave my front door. Except for all the leaving my front door thing 1 drives me to crave. It is an impossible situation, and I try to give thing 1 as much space as I can – it leads to a more fulfilling, if also more bone rattlingly anxious life. Thing 2 still curbs thing 1 a bit though, and there are things I will never do.

3. I don’t feel so good. I am a chronic migraine sufferer, my digestive system like a rare orchid which insists on a precision environment and then keels over and dies anyway, I have three slipped discs in my back leading to chronic pain and this is why sometimes these days, my “yes” might become a “maybe not actually”. Unfortunately perhaps not often enough. I can be a bit stupid that way.

4. I am the parent of two autistic children, and evidence suggests that I would probably get a diagnosis too, if I pursued one. I’m 45 years old and functioning though, it would gain me nothing, but perhaps I would forgive myself a little for certain things, including my difficulty in making friends. Of which I have very few.

5. On the making friends front, the odds were stacked against me. I have been to two nursery schools, six primary schools, eight secondary schools, and three universities. I also missed a year of school entirely. We were not a forces family, but my dad was restless, always. As a consequence, I have studied Romeo and Juliet three times, but never covered long multiplication. Neither has impacted my life, so far as I can tell. The bullying, the sense of rejection, the never finding a tribe – that has impacted my life.

6. I missed a year of school entirely living in a caravan, on the move. I have since done this with my partner also. I love living in mobile homes. It serves both my drive to stay home, and my drive to explore, and I just don’t worry too much if I don’t get a shower for a good few days!

7. I work in the NHS, and have done now for over 15 years. I worked into a respiratory service through Covid. I don’t think I need to say more about that!

8. I am really shy. I will not dance as if no one is watching. Unless literally no one is watching, for sure, no chance. If there are prescribed actions, I will give that a try. But a freestyle boogie is never going to happen. Also, I aint singing for you. I’m bad at it, yes, and that should not matter, no, but people might LOOK AT ME.

9. People do look at me. I have striking hair. I have had comments all of my life. Strangers touch it.

10. There are phrases I use all the time in speech, but never in my writing. This is because of homophones. Even near homophones. Bare, bear. Affect, effect. I should know these…but doubt creeps in.