Thursday and I'm Looking Back

In high school, we had a personal development class. After being split into small groups, we were told to share our strengths and weaknesses, our hopes and fears, our personal experiences. The personal development coach, who for some reason was also our PE teacher, surveyed the class afterward. I was voted as the one who shared the least about themselves. I’m going to try to make up for that now.

1. Since being a child, I’ve suffered from high levels of anxiety, although I’m not scared of anything. Except cliffs, big snakes, huge spiders, and public speaking. It makes sense to freak out if you are standing on a cliff edge, or about to give a speech to a huge room of people. It doesn’t make sense to fly into a panic if someone asks a question about your favorite band or celebrity. Staying within my comfort zone and taking long walks keeps it manageable, and I’ve never taken any sort of medication. One therapist I consulted with told me my emotional state was in the range of normal, and that I should just relax and stop worrying about being anxious! That is hard to do when you are worried.

2. I don’t have a favorite band, but my favorite song is Friday I’m in Love. I find the rhythm hauntingly attractive. Decades later, I found out they made a mistake with the tape speed while recording, and it was a half note off pitch. Maybe that’s why it sounds otherworldly to me. I’ve always wanted to feel there’s another version of reality and a better world than the one we live in.

3. Childhood trauma & Escapism. My parents did their best to protect me from it, but I had a healthy dose of family trauma. The experts say when we grow up in an environment where things suddenly go wrong without warning, we begin to feel that's normal. Then as adults, we often choose unstable relationships, and are attracted to drama, because that’s what feels comfortable. When I’m around stable people at calm pleasant social events, I can’t see what their angle might be, and it ironically feels more threatening than listening to someone rage about how upset they are about something. Strange, isn’t it?

4. Being a self-aware alcoholic isn’t fun. I had a great time in my 20s. I wanted to escape the realities of life, so I dived into every party culture I could find. There was a lot of heavy drinking, light drug use, and loud music. Several of my friends spiraled downward, but I managed to keep my head above water. ‘Functioning’ is what they call it these days. Later on, after several years of therapy, I learned how misguided my partying ambitions were. Gin martinis were not going to turn me into James Bond, no matter how many I consumed. These days, I drink socially, but I avoid dive bars and any sort of party culture. It's just not fun anymore. I fill my time with more meaningful social activities.

5. I spent months writing the first paragraph of a novel, gave up, and then didn’t write another word for 15 years. When I restarted, I think it was having 15 more years of life experience and having learned not to worry about grammar in the first draft, I found I could write thousands of words. By learning the tricks of editing, I soon had a few stories that made it into the shortlists of writing competitions.

6. I’m not funny. When I tell a joke, even a good one, no one laughs. But when I tell a ridiculous self-deprecating story–think Mr Bean–I sometimes receive howls of uncontrollable laughter. I don't know if they are laughing at me or with me, as I don't care as long as I make people laugh. And despite me being the unfunniest person I know, many of my shortlisted stories are filled with humor.

7. Big events are the most difficult thing to write about. First off, I was in a truck bombing. One second I had been on a nice vacation in Sri Lanka, the next second, plaster was falling from the ceiling and the windows were shattered. Oddly, I didn't hear a thing. Was I too close? Just around the corner, dozens of people had died. A dramatic story, but I've never found a good way to write about it. When the true story is so melodramatic, how do you make it relatable? I was also saw many of the Hong Kong 2019 democracy protests which were happening right in my neighborhood. Were they angry teens throwing molotov cocktails, or were they heroic freedom fighters in a global struggle against oppression? It depends on which news channel you watch. In big news events, the plot has already been written by other people, and it's not easy to change anything. So I find it easier to write about smaller, personal things that readers haven’t encountered before.

8. People assume I’m a 6-foot+ Scandinavian because of my name. And my deep voice. I’m actually a very average 5’9” and look far more like Ben Stiller than Alexander Skarsgard. I’ve had Jewish friends who've assumed I’m Jewish for years. I’m not sure why, as I don’t have much Jewish background, except perhaps one great-grandmother from Eastern Europe. Perhaps it’s my aura of self-doubt, like Woody Allen in his early films.

9, I lived in Japan, spent ten years learning the language, and then no one wanted to talk to me. This is a creative essay so I’m exaggerating a bit. People in Japan talk a lot in the right situations about the right, appropriate topics. They can even get downright silly after drinking a few glasses of Asahi Super Dry. It’s more the spontaneous conversations with strangers that happen so often in America that I missed. One day, I attempted to break the ice with the cashier at a 7/11 that I had been in every night for months. “What a rainstorm tonight, hey?” I asked. He took a step back, his cheek was twitching. “Ah…” His look was as if I had just initiated a robbery. I realized I had made a social misstep and switched to the standard thank you, “Arigatou gozaimasu” and gave him a slight bow. He looked relieved I was going back on script, said you're welcome, and then I walked out of the store. Japan has a deep, complex and fascinating culture, but I eventually moved to Hong Kong, which is more international and where the local people are very chatty with strangers.

10. I’m a radical centrist. I find politics on social media to be extremely addictive, toxic, and divisive. A news item can lead to me sharing an opinion, and then a day of arguments with people I don't know about something I never wanted to get involved with from the beginning. In fact, I have no "party". I have never voted. I have good friends in America who stand on both sides of the political chasm. I understand where they are both coming from, but, I’m not willing to sign up for the agenda of either side of that widening Grand Canyon. Looking from a million miles away, one might suppose one side is moving too fast with new ideas, and the other side is moving too slow. It's not for me to judge. I prefer to stay an observer, and I hope it all works out for everyone else. As for me, I want to bring happiness, humor, knowledge, and a feeling of connection. I hope to bring that to readers though my fiction and non-fiction writing. If it's just a hobby it should be a fun one, and if someday it can help pay the rent, that would be great too.

Random pet story:

When I lived in New York, I had an amazingly cute and energetic mini poodle named Tony. He would run so fast, he would have to take flying leaps over German Shepherds and Labrador Retrievers in the dog run if they didn’t get out of his way. I had liked the idea of giving him a human name, but a few times when he ran off into the vastness of Central Park, I’d shout, “Tony! Tony! Come over here right now!” and see several Italian-American men staring back at me. A few years later, when Tony was 5, one morning I was getting him ready for his walk-the front door of the apartment was open-when he suddenly ran down three flights of stairs, across a parking lot and into the street where he had a traffic accident. A reminder that your dog may have been well-behaved every single day until now, but you never know when they might hear or smell something irresistible. Always keep your pet leashed.

And, thanks for reading!