The wrong attention or lack thereof can be damaging

Not having either of your parents in your life is a tough thing for any child to go through growing up, especially when the circumstances for which you are living take a toll on your life later down the line. The responsible adult in that child's life may not foresee the cautionary and damaging effects it may have on their children's lives when they isolate the other parent, constantly argue in front of the child with the other parent, blame the child for what the adults are doing wrong, or even distancing themselves from their children in any way. All these little things that our parents do while we are young will affect our adulthood, either good or bad, and parents should take more precautions on the actions that are being presented to the children in the household.

Growing up, I witnessed a lot of toxic activity between my parents that I have felt has affected me now in my 30's. I witnessed my mom and dad arguing daily, my dad walking out on my mom, my mom begging my dad to stay, and the same cycle of toxic behavior every day. I don't have any recollection of my mom ever sitting me down and giving me advice about relationships or life in general, I grew up in a toxic relationship between her and me, for which we haven't been able to get past our differences. The point is, seeing the way my parents interacted has created a false reality in my mind of how things should be and what is acceptable to look for in a partner. I'm not saying that I am not responsible for my own decisions as an adult, but the environment in which a child is raised will set the foundation that the child will grow up to believe is correct. For example, I saw the dysfunctional relationship that my parents had, now I have grown up believing this behavior is acceptable. My distorted mentality had been developed in such a way that it makes it difficult to look past my own mistakes and difficult to change my ways.

I've had enough romantic experiences in life to say that I have analyzed each one, I have analyzed the patterns for which ended the relationship. I do take accountability for the things I did wrong, I know where I could've made things right, but I know not to blame myself entirely for the demise of the relationships. I have noticed certain traits within myself that remind me partially of my mom and part of my dad; I am argumentative and untrusting like my mom, as well as walking away from my problems and my lack of communication like my dad. To simplify what I'm trying to say, my mom always finds a reason to argue about things, unlike my dad, who would walk out and not talk about things to avoid an escalated argument. These are just a couple of things that I find I have in common with my parents that aren't necessarily great. I didn't have a relationship with my dad until I was about 16 or 17 years old, it spawned from him taking my mom to court to get custody of me... I honestly believe it was to spite her for all the years that he claimed she wouldn't let him see me. I moved out of my mom's house officially at 18 years old, between those few years I was going back and forth between houses. When I left, I moved in full time with my dad, but it was awkward living with someone that I felt I didn't know at all; we lived as if we were roommates.

Not bonding with my dad in a traditional sense, as fathers do with their children, my dad was used to living as a single bachelor which was understandable. Where he originally lived, it was a one-bedroom apartment with a living room and one bathroom, so when I moved in he decided to sleep in the living room and I got the bedroom. Considering that I was happy to be out of my mom's traitorous environment, it didn't seem uncomfortable to me. We eventually moved to a larger apartment, which I felt created a large wedge between us. It's hard to get to know someone that clearly doesn't want anything to do with you... so I felt. I tried to find things in common with him, I tried to converse with him, I even started working with him... but still felt like two strangers. The thought was, "this is the man that is supposed to be the closest to me, the man that sets the standard for what I should be looking for, yet I don't see him in an ideal way". I had a distorted way of trying to seek love and affection; I found myself interested in older men. I found I had an interest in older men when I was really young, of course, no one in my family knew I was dating older men when I was in high school, if anyone knew I would've been in some legal trouble.

I associate my interest in older men with the lack of paternal presence in my life; the "daddy issues" that people like to call it nowadays. I have only dated two men that were around my age, but the majority of my dating life has been with men between 10 to 15 years my senior. I know what you're thinking, "Man, this girl has issues!", guess what? You wouldn't be wrong. I have experienced many things from an early age, which has made me who I am, not necessarily growing up to be a role model or anything, but has built me to be a stronger person with each experience. But the point of this article is, the examples set at home will develop a child's future in either a positive or negative way, the individual becoming an element of their environment. I can't blame all my decisions on my parents, some were purely self-destructive decisions, but others were clearly stimulated from childhood examples. I don't have any children, I don't believe I ever will, but I have imagined if I did have my own children, what they would grow up to be like. I have a 19-year old brother, we are 11 years apart, he constantly brings up how I used to treat him when we were younger, which I feel has affected our relationship. I think to myself, "if he was my child, would they be equally affected by my actions as he was, due to the things that I was doing or saying unconsciously?"

Every action has a reaction --- every action has a consequence. If I would have treated my little brother in a more caring, loving, affectionate manner, I do believe we would be closer now as adults. He would feel more comfortable talking to me about his stuff, he wouldn't passive-aggressively bring up the things that I did to him, and he would feel as if he had someone to turn to when he was going through his problems. But instead, he's distant and secretive, he doesn't really like spending time with me, and we don't have a sister-brother bond. He is the most important man in my life, it hurts to know how the little things I did has closed him off from me. When I think back, I feel he is the reason why I don't have the need of having a child; I raised him as if he were my own, I made mistakes with him as if he was my child. My brother is the only man for which can call me out on my flaws and I would accept his input. For everyone else, I am quite defensive and guarded, I feel as if I am being antagonized and don't like when men tell me I'm wrong.

Romantically, I am attracted to men that present interest in me, show some type of affection, and I clasp onto them as if they were the only person in the world; later on, I start noticing the traits I don't like and I want to run away. My instant reaction to trouble is to flee, I don't like conflict and don't do well with confrontation. I grew up seeing this and it feels like traumas for which I can't get past. I self sabotage and break up relationships to avoid getting hurt, sometimes I create scenarios that may not exist, in the long run, it burns bridges with people that could potentially be great for me. There have been relationships that I regret letting go of, others I was glad to have let go, and few for which I saw myself long-term with... but I can't dwell in the past, only move forward. All I can say, each experience taught me a lesson and it will help improve my future relationships until I find the person I'm meant to be with. I am grateful for all the experiences I have gone through, they are the reason I am the strong person I am today.