The Words You Say May Last A Moment

Here recently I have been doing a lot of self-reflection as I try to remember who I am, what I am, and how that all can flow together. I have plenty of bad memories, but I wanted to write tonight about a few comforting memories I have had recently.

A single individual has made my life miserable in the past few years. She has never been nice without a catch and she regularly talks big. She triggers a deep fear response in me as she is a "professional" and although I am learning that a title doesn't mean that you are knowledgeable, it still scares me that she can do whatever she wants to me without any consequences. I am trying to get over the fear, but I have years of fearing (with good reason) with certain peoples and it is REALLY hard to retrain my brain to not panic. To remember that I am safe.

But, there is a man who needed to talk with me about other business and I was crying because I was sure that the only way to be safe was to sell our house and I said that at least he wouldn't have to be bothered with me anymore. He said that I wasn't a bother.

The idea that I am not a bother is strange to me... especially from an "in charge" professional with plenty of authority.

Every time I question myself, every time I sit with the shadows, every time I overthink and ask and try to wrap my head around things that seem like they aren't right... every time I have asked him to explain things to me again. Every time I felt like I was wasting his time.

He could have just walked away. He could have not cared. He could have also told me that I shouldn't continue trying to understand legal terms and ask for explanations. He could have been relieved that I wouldn't be here any more.

But, instead, he said that I wasn't a bother.

• I, who got kicked out of classes for speaking up and making my teachers look bad in high school, wasn't a bother.
• I, who got bullied for being different, wasn't a bother.
• I, who have severe trust issues and am terrified of the horrors of my past repeating themselves, am not a bother.
• I, who have been told that the world would better off without me, am not a bother.
• I, who dare to say "or else what?" when I feel threatened, am not a bother.
• I, who dares (barely) to take up space, am not a bother.
• I, who struggles with communication under duress, am not a bother.

It is not a bother for him or his co-workers to accommodate me. He doesn't hate me. He doesn't hate having to explain things to me. He doesn't find me to be lacking and undeserving. He doesn't push me to be suddenly something I am not. He, and those around him, just wait. Patiently. For me to realize that they are not a threat.

Then, I met up with another attorney. She didn't find my accommodations to be unreasonable. She was okay with me asking questions. She knows very little about me, but she made sure that there was room for me to be the way I am instead of trying to force me to fit into a box that just has to deal with things the way that they are. It was a breath of fresh air.

I was told who to ask for better answers to my questions. I started to get answers. It felt empowering.

Then, I felt attacked again when this individual talked over me and claimed that I simply offered to get legal documentation to the city, not that she had told me that I had to. Then, because there has been delays, I was accused of trying to avoid sharing the documentation with the city.

I am a bother to these people. Why? Why would anyone assume that I want to cause trouble? Is it because I am different? Because I am soft spoken? Because I typically have a back-up plan to every plan? Because I am young yet act older than I look? I don't know.

I do know that I have nothing to hide. I hate parts of myself. I have regrets. I am petrified of some people finding me... and hurting me in ways that I keep trying to convince myself officials would never ever dare to do now that I can speak up about it. I despise how some "officials" have painted my story to be in order to fit inside their boxes.

I only hide the things that I am ashamed of admitting.

That the guy who accused me of hiding legal documents terrified me and I was doing my best to not run away because I had other obligations to take care of that night. That implication of hiding things brought back memories from years ago of getting hit by a hand-held metal detector because I "looked like I might be sneaking contraband." That implication that I was dishonest and criminal brought back fears of handcuffs and being forced into the back of a vehicle (even when it was later shown that it shouldn't have happened, that is a real thing that can happen to people like me).

That the lady who said that I offered to provide the legal documentation as she would never have told me that the city was going to perhaps come after everything in the satellite imagery that they didn't like. Even though, the law states that the city can't do that. Why else would I have volunteered to spend $700 that is now on a line of credit because I am poor and barely making ends meet? To keep my property safe from illegally threatened actions as well as to keep my sanity knowing that this is my area that is "safe." It brought back images of the psychiatrist who told me that I was schizophrenic trying to force me to beg her for equal access. The feelings of isolation and dread that I got during that time in my life. The looking another patient in the eyes after she forced him to beg for a phone call with his wife and daughter, and then denied him anyway. The memory of what happened to me when I walked into her office and refused to give her the satisfaction of more than a simple "please may I have my religious accommodations to the food here met?" It was my word against the professional's word then. Thankfully, I have the recording from this individual to remind me that I didn't just waste $700 for no reason as she seemed to make it sound.

I am ashamed of my fear. It is a weakness that I hate admitting that I have. I hate it when I have to ask "are you trying to scare me?" or when I run away or when my fear switches to fight when I feel that my kid's safety is under threat or when the shadows come back that terrify me on so many levels.

Then, when I start thinking that everything is hopeless and that I did something horrible... and I called the very people that I am terrified of. They didn't shame me. They said that it was ok. They didn't insist that I talk to them while I was struggling with the shadows attacking me. They left me with the knowledge that I did everything well and helped me exactly how I needed it.

Why am I not a bother to some people? And so much to handle that other people feel the need to resort to threats and lies about what they have the authority to do?

Is it just me or do other people with mental health struggles have similar struggles with people in authority - please let me know your experience in the comments! Has anything specifically worked for you? Is it the tremor in my voice when I am nervous?