The woman who smiled

We are all born with the ability to smile. To laugh. To feel joy. Most people continue to smile throughout their lives. What if at some point, you forgot how? What if you didn’t understand what it felt like to have hope?

I did. There was a time where I was lost. Where I forgot how to express the base emotions that we were all born with. Although, that’s the middle of the story. It’s best we start from the beginning.

I was born Mercedes. Many nicknames would follow. Selena, Shortcake, Sadie, Benz. All of them are me. I am many things to many people. Mercedes is the protector. Selena is the lover. Shortcake is the fighter. Sadie is the friend. Benz is the business-woman.

In my early years, there was a family. One I could ever have in my dreams. A loving mother. A doting father. An encouraging big sister. Things that can easily be taken for granted. But I was a baby, and life is as cruel as it is beautiful.

One day, before I had even experienced my first year, my sister and I were taken away in the night and given to another. For four years, we had a Mom and Dad. For four years, we were happy. There were school, holidays, and family trips. Then we learned the truth.

Our mother had a problem with drugs. She had given us to part of her family to care for while she was fixing herself, and she wanted us back. On one hand, my entire life was a lie and the people I cared for the most, I would never see again. On the other hand, someone made themselves better for me, and because of that, I was special. Again, that was a lie.

We arrived and stayed with a man my biological mother soon married. There, I met my half-brother and soon to be step-brother. It was days before I saw my mother. It was then, I understood what was to become of my life. She was in jail. She got early release because she told the judge she had her daughters coming to live with her. We were scape-goats. Something a five year old should never have to understand.

I wanted to go back to the only place that I called home. I wasn’t allowed to. Mother said that she needed the money she got from me to pay rent. I didn’t know what rent was at the time. I was a valuable object, although I did not understand why at the time.

Soon, the drugs came back, and she had to leave. We took a bus to Texas and stayed with my father’s family in what most would call a “Crack-House.” My father wasn’t there, but sometimes I'd imagine he was so he could protect me. If things couldn’t get any worse, mother disappeared. Later to be revealed, she was in a horrible life threatening car accident. During that time is when I forgot how to smile.

I remember school, jump ropes and my invisible ankle watch. I remember meeting my little sister. I remember writing class and computer lab. But mostly, I remember staring into the eyes of demons.

While Mother was gone, they tortured us. Deprived us of food. Abused us in every way possible. I wouldn’t have it though. Not for my sisters. They would never have to suffer as long as I was around. So I did what any sister would. I took their place. Took the blame. Stared into the heart of Hell, just so that they wouldn’t have to. Another year and a forgotten birthday later, Mother came back. Just in time to watch the horror she left us in.

I had a nose bleed that day. Everyone told me to hold my nose and tilt it back. Within minutes, I was throwing up blood all over the walls. Aunt Gloria didn’t like that. She also didn’t like me because of the “special attention” her son gave me. Today, she decided that I needed to be really taught a lesson. She made me pick out a switch from a tree in the front yard, and then she continued to beat me until my back bled. Enter Mother. She gave me enough of a distraction that I could run away and hide until morning.

I couldn’t go to school for a few days. I could barely move. When I did though, boy did the school notice. In just a few days, for reasons unknown to me, I would move in with the most important woman in history. The woman who taught me how to smile again.

It took a long time. She said it was just showing emotion through our teeth. She said that “Keep smiling, even if it’s fake. One day, just you wait, that smile will be real” But I only felt hatred. I hated everyone except her. Her husband was just another man. He did what all other men did to me. But she loved him. So I never told her. I’ll suffer an endless eternity before ever telling her.

After his soul was dragged to Hell, their daughter came to live with us. She has become more of a sister to me than anyone else ever could be. With both of their help, I was free to express myself. They never wanted me to be anything more than who I was. The school was country and racist, but home is where the heart is.

During that time, another man chipped away at my soul. I don’t remember much. Just a large dark shadow, and the feeling of peeing my pants. The next July, I had a daughter. I was fifteen. I walked her down the aisle of a hospital with the hope that I would be a part of her life. I had found a family with a little boy who wanted a sister. They lied to me. She’ll be twelve this year. I haven’t seen her in ten years and eight months. That is a story for another time though.

The woman who raised me had six children. One of them came to stay with us. He was another man. Another one who pushed boundaries. But I learned from my mistakes and I let him believe I was his, just until I could run away. Believe me, once I could, I ran. My only mistake in life is running to men. They always saw me. They always would kill to protect what was theirs. I just didn’t have what it took to be theirs. I had given up everything in life. One took my dignity. One took my pride. One took my heart. One nearly took my life and my child.

Twenty-five years. All those disasters. The death of the most important woman in all of time. All of the pain and the heartache. Every little bit was worth it. For the last two years, I’ve been living my perfect fantasy. Mother, Father, two little boys. Only I can promise that my children will never have to learn how to smile. They will always be loved, in ways that I couldn't be.

No matter what I may go through, the pain that I have to endure. I will always smile my biggest happiest smile. The one that I learned from the few moments of happiness that my life is made of. The ones I love deserve that.

Tomorrow, I go for a check up on a recent life-sustaining surgery. Hopefully I’m not having complications, even though the side effects are a bit...strange. I’m not sure I’ll be coming home tomorrow. If I don’t, and even if I do, I have to tell the world this message.

“Keep smiling, even if it’s fake. One day, just you wait, that smile will be real.” Never stop fighting for your life. It’s okay to be sad, angry, or even scared. Keep smiling. Keep pushing through. Never let your smile fade. Be brave. The world may remember you for your accomplishments, but the people who love you will remember you for your smile.