Crushed

It happened during an argument. I could feel the switch happen. The one that decides your emotions for the next six months to a year. One sentence completely wrecked me. I still hear it. Every day, multiple times a day. One sentence that just will not stop haunting me

I feel like I’m back in high school. Overwhelming feelings, uncertainty, distrust and hatred towards the human race. I’ve been spending more time sleeping and daydreaming to escape reality. When I am in reality, It’s more like a distant dream that I’m trying so hard to escape.

It’s upsetting how I would rather be in my dreams which are haunted by every past trauma I’ve gone through, than be in reality. However, the reality is that I have been traumatized by a single sentence and I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. It is affecting everything. It’s crumbling my marriage. Sadly to say, I think he’s feeling it too. The devastating soul crushing feeling of someone you love being emotionally gone, checked out, numb.

I’m screaming silently for help. Looking everywhere and trying not to fall into my impulses. I don’t want to feel like this. I just want this anger and sadness and fear to leave me alone. I want to be able to look in the mirror again and see more than just my flaws.

I take a shower, and I imagine opening up my razor and using the blades to slice myself. Not enough to die, I’m not that selfish. Just enough to remind me that I still bleed because I’m human. I want to break every mirror I come across but I don’t need an extra seven years of bad luck. I want to starve myself in an unhealthy way because maybe one day I can get skinny again.

Every day I get on that scale. Every day I look in that mirror. Every day I try to wear the smaller clothes that I have in an effort to feel normal. I used to be so small. Even after having kids. But he has made me lazy.

Who needs to walk to the bus stop with a child and take them to daycare because he drives? I used to eat only once a day and that was the cheapest thing I could possibly get from work. Everything else was a liquid diet. Mainly consisting of whiskey. But he needs to eat and he will not eat unless I eat too.

I spent my whole life fearing any kind of weight. So far on this journey, I have starved myself, I have cut back but I can not be physically active because of a rejecting hernia mesh implant that needs removed. I'm one of those people who NEED the movement. But for 2 years, I have been unable to move much. For 2 years, my body is not where it used to be.

He used to always tell me that I looked good and he didn't notice the weight. It was always like that until this argument. Yesterday I asked him how I looked in this one pair of pants and I got "they look a little tight on you" and I proceeded to spend an hour looking for ANYTHING else to wear, but everything I had made me look worse than those pants, so I reluctantly put them on so we could do our shopping.

I’m depressed. I’m so self conscious about myself that this turned into depression really fast. I’m skipping work, I’m crying silently at random times, I’m even begging for more attention from my husband, and not being successful in obtaining it. I need attention. I need love. Right now, all I feel is a deep hatred towards myself and my image, but I'm trying.

I'm trying to be the wife he deserves. The mother my children need. Pushing myself past my boundaries and my comfortability. It just won't leave my brain. I can't stop thinking about it.

“You’ve had three kids. No one else is going to want you”