The Truth Is…

I recently participated in the Tony Robbins, “Date with Destiny” program which consists of six long - 12 hour days of looking at deep dark secrets, decisions, fears and dreams with a microscope. Yes, I know what your thinking, you signed up for this on purpose. Hell yes, I did. I was at a dead end And I desperately wanted answers. The questions rumbling in my head and beating at the door of my heart were, What is wrong with me, why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so much “ish” all the time? How did I get here? How can I afford this big brave Texas life I keep dreaming of?

My usual Self is smiley, happy and optimistic and I felt none of that. I did however, feel lost, alone and in unfamiliar emotional territory most of the time. The past 18 months had been riddled with fear, emptiness and death. My joys of nursing had stretched me beyond my flexability and I was sore. Each step I took, reminded me of what wasn’t, still. It was now two years since I packed and shipped my pod to Dallas, Texas in hopes of moving there and I don’t know what, starting over, starting again and Being someone different. Who exactly, I hadn’t yet figured that part out. I did find myself surrounded by so many unwritten stories, untold “I love you’s”, unfinished bucket lists and lots of unexpected deaths. The stress and strain of working covid units weighed on me and ripped open my heart in all the right places. It was deafening and disarming to my own noise. The sad stories one after the other, afforded me the inability to hide behind my own story, my own forgotten dreams and BS that I was passing off as Truth. God knew what she was doing. The truth is, I love being a nurse, but hated the delivery of nursing and healthcare. The truth is being busy, supported my fear of growth. The truth is staying busy, helped me avoid listening to my heart and making honest decisions. The truth is staying busy, helped me resist having to deal with my feelings. So, God decided the best next step is burn it all down. Days after signing a new contract for the most money I’d ever made with the biggest title I’d ever had my apartment and my life burned to the ground. It was as if, God said, “there decision made”. Whoa! To watch my belongings go up in smoke in a matter of minutes was a defining moment. The truth is those flames, breathed life back into me. The truth is, the fire torched my lies, fakery and fiction. The truth is the fire, lit a new path for me to see and my dead end became my unforseen thruway. The truth is each wobbibly step I take each day, must include God. Each wobbling step forward is unknown, unscripted and honest. Each wobbily decision and step is leading me to Texas and that makes me smile. So, this is what Brave looks like- wobbily, face stained with tears, vision blurred by the uncertainty, full of hope and enclosed with love. And the truth is Being in this place of absolute authenticity is the most affluent I have felt in a very long time.