The Things I Wish I Would Have Said

Dear Mom,

There are things that I never told you. I had thoughts that I desperately I wish I would have shared with you, when I had the chance. I chose to handle everything on my own and it took years for me to understand that everything you did was to protect me. I did not have the courage to say I needed you in the past, but I do now. 

One day you had asked me where you went wrong as a mother and why I chose this life of heartache. Do you remember that? I looked at you and said that "you were the best mom, and it was not your fault." I still believe that. It took me having a son, to understand your point of view. So, I know you did everything you could have to be the mother I needed.

During the years of my depression, you and I were both seeking a way to "fix" me. I wish I would have told you, that what I needed was your love and for you to tell me that you were there to listen. It was not like you abandoned me; you worked countless hours just to provide for our family. So when I became addicted to drugs, I think it became too much for both of us. I hid that addiction for years, and I can not blame you for not knowing the darkness I let consume me.

When I overdosed, I went through that alone. I wish I would have begged you to come to that hospital. I do not know how you felt after you received my call from the ICU that night. Who would of thought that the next two years would be the hardest for the both of us? We both know the mistakes I have made, but I wish I would have told you my reasoning behind every single one.

You are the woman who gave me life and the woman who stepped in to take care of my son, when I was not ready to. I wish I could tell you how grateful and blessed I am that he has you. I wish I could show you how much I have grown as a woman and the dreams I have for my son and I. There will be a day, when the words on this paper will be part of the only things I leave behind on this planet to remember me by. I hated that I drove you away and now you do not know me.

Despite everything that has happened, I still love you unconditionally. I wish I could somehow take your pain away and heal you from the past. I am strong and I owe that to you. I am here to listen and to give you the love I wish I would have years ago. These are just some of the things I thought you needed to know.



Love, Your Daughter