The Struggling Mind of a 25 year old

Before you scroll away, I want to emphasize, this is not some research paper or a new study on young adults. This is about me, myself, and I.

I'm here not to write a story, nor to entertain. I see this as a way to get my feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Out of my mind.

I'll try and not make this into a rant but more about my own personal experiences. I would love any input you the reader have. I mean, please feel free to let me know anything and everything.

I was born in the beautiful country of Costa Rica. I grew up with many common Hispanic customs and their culture. Now, why does this matter? Well, in truth it doesn't, but its important to note that much of the culture revolves around the man of the house being this crazy, amazing human who has no emotions, and can split the red sea if needed ( just an exaggeration but you get my point).

See, for some reason or another, I ended up being a very emotional human being, and also a man. So, as you can guess in my culture, they both clash pretty hard.

Now to be clear, I am in no way talking badly about my culture, nor do I put any blame on my parents for who I am. We are all individuals who choose and take our own actions.

When I was five, my family moved to the United States and that's where I still live today. Now I don't remember much of those first years here, but I do remember going to an ESL class and learning English quite quickly.

Living in a Spanish household and going to school in an American school was like night and day. In my house, Spanish, we spoke Spanish. We observed our customs very closely and, since we had no real family there, we spent a lot of time together. While going to school, however, it was very diverse, so many customs, languages, it was pretty chaotic and I loved it.

While growing up, it was very much the norm that men were strong, bold, emotionless and if you were any different, you were pushed aside. This is where my struggles began. Depression was as much of a myth as bigfoot in my home, so whenever I felt sad or lonely, I would be chastised and told to be brave and grow up. Which in turn created an even deeper effect on me that still affects me to this day. I still feel weird expressing myself to my parents, even though they are not like them before anymore and have grown out of their customs. They are supportive and help me in any way that they can.

I was someone who was held in a river of emotions but could never express. To me it was embarrassing and I didn't want to look like weak. Even today, it is hard for me to show emotion. I mean, I don't even know if I'll post this.

I recently got my heart broken by someone who I loved. She was to me a rock, a strong foundation. She was someone who I could confess my darkest secrets and express my most heartfelt emotions. She decided that I wasnt enough, to quote her "I don't wanna be with someone who get depressed". Mind you we dated for three years and she knew since day one of my problems. I was made out to be an awful human being, that I did not care for her, I couldnt provide money for the lifestyle she wanted. By all means I am satan himself. this all coming from someone who not even a week prior had expressed how great of a father I would be for our future kids.

I have to this day no words to comprehend how unthoughful, ignorant, and childish she was to have said those things.

Luckily I foresaw this happening. See she recently went out of her way to call me poor. Mainly because i had offered to send her money for herself to buy something and I did not send the money right away.

After her comment and ignorace I decided I was fed and slowly began to not care. I would text less, make less conversation, and make problems where there was none. Until she got the idea to finally leave me.

I did not want to break up with her because I hated being the bad guy and I did not want to hurt her. But obviously if youre reading this it's because it back fired.

luckily there are some incredible people who I have met that have expressibly supported me and have been there for me. I thank God every day for them and what they have done for me. They, for the most part, are the biggest reasons why I haven't given up on myself.

I know I am young and and have much more of life to enjoy or endure depending on what day of the week it is, but I cant help feeling lost in the turnmoil that is my mind.

I often wish I could close my eyes and jump into my future. A future where I have a career, seen the world, have a beautiful family. But at the same time I think of how even better it will be to overcome my problems and reach that destination with hard work and a determined mind.

For anyone who gets this far into my very unorganized post I have a question.

How have you dealt with your own negative thoughts and what inspired you to move beyond them, and into a much more postive look on life?

Thank you to anyone who took thier time to read a little into the struggling mind of a 25 year old.