The storm behind my smile

The storm behind my smile

Almost everyone has their lowest times; that moment when they feel the least. For me, it seems to be always. That feeling of crushed down soul, gray skies and bleak vision. Now, I'm not depressed I think and no I don't give people that impression. I'd like to say that I'll be given a grammy award for being the best pretender. Hiding my storm behind a smile.
There are somethings that I have in excess and some that are way lacking. Now let's start with my shortcomings.

First on the list are friends, when counting my friends, (Note; friends not pals) I don't think I'll need an extra hand. I've always prided myself in having a small circle. I mean I've been in the university for more than 4 years and still have 3 friends that I met in our four years. My problem is that I find it hard to make friends but lose them easily. I see a trait or habit I don't like and I run. Hence left with true friends that I can count on.

Secondly, daddy issues. Yeah I know, some might wonder daddy issues? Well, my parents separated when I was young, as young as 4 years. Dad married another woman and relocated to another state. So I didn't really have a childhood relationship with him until I was about 10 when he called to inform me of my grandma passing. In summary he wasn't really in my life. Now... Because of this, I became a runner in relationships and also used relationships to distract myself after a break up messing up my heart more. Now using relationships as rebound has its pros and con of course. Pro is that at the beginning when everything is rosy, you will be really happy and con is that when the facade wears off and true selves begin to show, you'll get more bruises on a wounded heart. So an advice, give yourself a break lovecation. Take a breather on relationships giving your heart space to heal hence coming back stronger (p.s speaking to myself too).

Next, uhmmmm let's see... Impatience. They say patience is a virtue well that's a tough one for me. It's not like I'm not patient, I am. As a matter of fact I prefer to listen and observe than to talk. My impatience comes in waiting. Waiting for a friend on the road, waiting for a person to finish carrying out wicked acts. I'm out before you can be through with hurting me.

Fourthly, procrastinating. Gosh. I've lost a lot of opportunities due to this. But I'm working on it. My mum always floods my ear cause of this lol.

Self esteem. Thats not really my strongest suit. Or maybe it has to do with the jeers and insults that was hurled at me when I was in high school. I find myself so recoiled in my shell that coming out is hard. I find myself wondering if this looks good on me or its actually bad. How my nose isn't really pretty and feels big. How I'm not busty enough or pretty enough. How my skin feels coarse and the list keeps running on. Spent so much time trying to fix them and it seems  like it isn't working. But I know its from within, my mind. Hopefully we can build it together.

Now, my strengths. Knowing and concentrating on your strengths is one of the best way to boost self esteem.

On the top of my list is my family, that's my mum and younger brother. Nothing pushes me forward as much as thinking about them. Nothing beats the words of confirmation and affirmations my mum tells me when I'm down. I'll fight the battle of depression and any other fight for them. I have to be better and on top to take care of them.

My friends, my little circle. Having a small circle shows you alot. You have people who have your back without fail and vice versa. My girls have shown up for me in more ways than I could imagine or think.

Thirdly, I'm smart. I'm intelligent, think and work under pressure and quick in dire situations. I am also hardworking.

My height😊 tho growing up, this was a weakness until I took pride in it. I'm tall and pretty anyone that says I'm too tall, means the person is too short simple. Take pride in who you are no one else will.

There are a lot and there will be more. But I still find my strengths day by day and I'm still turning my weaknesses into strengths. I'm still growing and still fighting. But as long as I know who I am? I won't fail.
Know who you are and don't succumb to the darkness. Highlight your strengths and turn your weaknesses into stepping stones to who you are meant to be. A bright star💫



Xoxo Vee❤