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The Perfectionist Diaries - 2

Taking the first step out of my comfort zone

By S. A. CrawfordPublished 11 months ago Updated 11 months ago 4 min read
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Image: Elviss Railijs Bitāns via Pexels

Vocal has proven to be so much more than a platform, for me. It was the place I first won a runner-up prize for writing (a love poem that I am immensely proud of, though I have now learned more about poetry and can see its flaws), it's where I first uploaded an original short story for everyone to see, it's where I took the plunge and entered a folkloric horror story into the Vocal+ Fiction Challenge, coming as a runner up (and bagging a cheeky free year of Vocal+).

And it's where I recently vented about my fear of failure, my habitual self-sabotage, and the feelings of helplessness I was struggling with as a writer. Because, you see, these achievements I just listed were lost in a sea of self-doubt and criticism.

The writing community on Vocal responded to my worries with such overwhelming positivity and care, that I sat down and had a wee cry. I stopped feeling alone, though I didn't stop feeling confused, stuck, or helpless. They gave me advice, good, sound advice, and some of those wonderful people simply repeated to me what I knew in the back of my mind;

- That there is no such thing as a perfect first book

- That growth requires bravery

- That it's better to try and fail than never try at all

And slowly, the fog lifted. Now I can look at that handful of achievements that I listed and smile. I didn't realize that I had already taken the first steps out of my well-worn patterns long before I broke down.

“Failure after long perseverance is much grander than never to have a striving good enough to be called a failure.”

—George Eliot

I wrote this quote on a Post-it note and stuck it on my wall three days ago, and since then I've been working on something. Well, not working on so much as nurturing. It's not an idea yet, not really, just a seed, but I planted it in good soil and I think it might grow... as long as I resist the urge to crush it.

I've got a little book, a notebook I bought at Comic-Con years ago. I never used it because I was scared to ruin it with bad handwriting (terribly on brand, I know). I slathered it in craft glue and stuck magazine pages to the front, then started scribbling inside.

You see, the seed is a part of myself. It's really my story I'm working on, or what my story could have been if I wasn't so lucky. And though I don't want to strip myself out of it, it's not a memoir.

So, I'm scribbling in this paper-mache-esque notebook, drawing, sticking flowers in, and trying to peel out the essentials that can't be done without. Trying to leave behind the parts of me that aren't needed for the story. It's a slow process and will remain so I think, but I can feel it changing something inside of me.

It feels like that hot, achy, itching you get when a deep cut is starting to heal. All you want to do is scratch it, but you know it won't help. That's how it feels, but after so long feeling nothing at all, or else feeling sick, heavy dread, it's refreshing. My little friend, the chip on my shoulder; she's starting to get her shit together. I hope.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings tunes without words - and never stops at all."

-Emily Dickinson

That's what it's really all about for writers, isn't it?

Hope.

I hope this idea works out.

I hope they like it.

I hope this book takes off.

I hope I can enjoy my own writing, one day.

I disagree with Emily Dickinson on one count; feathers are fragile and easily broken. Hope is not.

Hope is smeared with ink and has bags under it's eyes. Hope smells like oil paint and has scars on its flesh. Hope is the thing that rises after every beating, a little more bent and twisted, taking a different form every time. Hope is a prize fighter, and though we don't always see eye-to-eye, I'm glad to have her on my side.

Stay hopeful, guys - I know I am.

Follow along with the Perfectionist Diaries:

0) Enforcing failure

1) A new beginning

2) First steps (you are here)

Humanity
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About the Creator

S. A. Crawford

Writer, reader, life-long student - being brave and finally taking the plunge by publishing some articles and fiction pieces.

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