The Note

I wish I knew why I feel so much pain. I’ve been crying for 3 days straight. And I’m not just talking about a couple tears here and there, I’m talking about whole breakdowns and full blown sobbing. I don’t know much but what I do know is that I am hurt beyond what words can explain.

I’m tired of feeling this way and I just want it to all end. I’ve been trying my hardest to be and stay strong, but I’m tired of being and staying strong. Keeping a fake smile on my face everyday to mask the horrors of what I feel has been overly exhausting.

I’ve been sitting in a literal puddle of my own tears and thinking about everything that I’ve been through, which leads me to thinking about everything that I still have to go through and surely it’s safe to say that it was enough to break me.

I don’t blame anyone or anything for making me feel the way I feel. I blame myself for not being stronger and not being wiser. Had I made different decisions and taken better care of certain situations, I wouldn’t be here feeling the way I do. I know better because all my life I was raised and taught to be better. And when you know better you’re supposed to do better, but I can’t. I absolutely can’t. That is my greatest flaw and only regret. I so badly wish that I could be better. Better for me, better for my friends, and better for my family. Just better for everyone I love. I’ve failed.

I’ve failed at being the person that you all believed I could be. I’ve failed at being a daughter, a cousin, a friend, a niece, a sister, a granddaughter, and a girlfriend. I’ve let you all down.

It may be selfish to say, but after spending my entire life being selfless, I feel like I must say it now. I’ve done nothing but give my love away. So freely and so effortlessly. So willingly and never complained. However, in all my years of living I feel like I've never gotten that same feeling back in return. Not from my parents, not from any of my lovers, not from my friends, and not from any other family members. I’ve tried. I’ve given so much of myself away in hopes that maybe one day I’ll get it back. I never did.

I don’t want any of this to go over you guys’ heads and go down the path of me not loving myself and what not. Because that is so far from the truth. I love myself more than anybody could ever love me, and that is how I know that my expiration date has come. I love myself enough to know that I deserve better and that it is time to put myself out of my misery.

I don’t know why I was never enough for any of you guys, but it’s okay. I just hope that you all will be able to find the healing and the love that you all deserve from someone. I can’t be the one spreading myself thin for everyone anymore and carrying everybody on my back because there isn’t even any more of me left to give. I’ve officially exhausted every last fiber of my being.

With that being said, I still love every last one of you eternally. Even in my absence, just know that I still love you and I do not blame you. That’s something you need to keep with you forever. I hope to share my love with my brother as well when I find him.

With Everlasting Love,

Her