The moment I quit

What do you do when you aren’t who you thought you were? I thought I was a problem solver. I can’t even solve my own problems, I just run away. Why do I run away? I can’t run away, eventually there is going to be nowhere else to run.

I always end up with people who believe in me. I am way too good at putting on a mask. I should have gone to a mental institute at 16, but I don’t know if it would have changed the way I feel underneath it all. But maybe I would have learned how to push through when times are tough. Maybe that’s what I was supposed to learn last month. Maybe I messed everything up by leaving yesterday and swearing never to go back.

The reason I didn’t want to go back has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them. I get so easily overwhelmed. I hated high school. It was a nightmare to go back. The halls are so big, and the eyes feel piercing. They are all so stylish, hip and well… teenagers.

Sitting in the back of that class, I was just looking for a way out. I never really committed to finishing the day when I started it.

I need to save my tears for when I need to be heard. It is too late with my dad. I have messed that up over the years with my dramatic emotions that I poured all over him whenever he was there for me.

My dad is pretty disappointed in me, I can’t blame him. I told him I could do this and that I would do this. He invested in me, again, and I quit. But here is the thing… I am proud of myself.

I am proud of myself for not loosing my cool at the school at lashing out at anyone there. I am proud that I didn’t take it out on the new guy I have been seeing (because that is usually my go-to) and I am proud I wasn’t too mean to my dad. Usually when I go into self-sabotage mode, I lash out and isolate myself from the people I love. I did yell at my dad, but only a couple times and that’s a whole lot better than how I have been in the past. I took time for myself for the rest of the day. I went to the lake and prayed. I drove around for a while just listening to music and then went home and crawled into bed.

My dad thinks I’m afraid of success, at first, I thought that couldn’t be possible but the more I consider it... it might be true. I don’t think I am just afraid of success though, I’m afraid of the judgment because I know it comes right along with it. It comes with pain, and pressure and stress and a whole bunch of things that I don’t know if I am ready for. I know I’m not emotionally stable and maybe I do need medication.

There are always going to be challenges and I need to get better at dealing with them. I get so flustered; how do I stay clear headed? I even told my dad I didn’t want to talk to him because he would just make me feel bad about it.

I need to go and talk to the director of my program. I am nervous to do that. I always assume that people don’t want to help me. So, in an effort to make a change, what will I say when I talk to Anne? What would the goal be?

I want guidance and support through the last month of this program so that I can graduate. I need to be open and honest about the problems I have having so that they can understand.

***beginning of email****

Dear Director,

I would like to meet with you to get some direction. I barely made it through this last practicum I was placed in. I should have reached out sooner to ask for guidance and support, and now I have gotten myself into a bad situation.

I would like to support people, that I know for sure. This past month ensured that, however I also have learned that I do not thrive in undirected settings. I would really like to work a job where I am given direction and am able to get feedback directly. I am always wanting to work on myself and do better. To be an EA, being able to assert yourself in a natural way seems to be one of the most important requirements. I have always felt like I needed permission to get involved. So maybe three is a job out there where I can help people while also being directed on what to do. I am very good at one-on-one relationship building, I struggle with building general relationships within a busy environment. I have always been highly sensitive to being a burden and in practicum it seems like it isn’t something I can escape. I want to be helpful; I want to be a part of something. I understand that the focus of the school is to support its student’s education, and that staff support is harder to come by. I just didn’t realize how lonely of a job it would be. The secondary school was a lot more organized and directive than the elementary school but being able to see the high school showed me that this job just isn’t one that gets directed. I would have to make it up as I go and that is terrifying for me because I am working with kids. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day unnecessarily. It makes me uncomfortable to be observed and have things expected of me when I have never been trained within the actual environment. I can’t see myself being comfortable sitting at the back of the classroom awkwardly, I need a full picture view to understand what I should be doing and why. I should have asked about this so long ago.

I thought I would be given directions and have people to show me what to do. I thought people would care more about training. I know I can be successful, but I am such a private personal person. I think those could be qualities that would be good for some jobs. I need to be given instructions, directions, guidance. I need someone to take me under their wing, show me the ropes and have faith in me. Is that bad? Or maybe its immature, or unprofessional. Or maybe it just isn’t realistic.

What are my options right now?

I would like to finish the program; I know there are more options than just to become an EA with this certification. I can see myself being successful as a personal support worker or maybe something else.

I want to be able to push through the last month of this program. I just need some help through guidance.

Thank you in advance,

***end of email***