The things you realize later on…

Giving you up was the worst mistake I could have made. I took you for granted. I let someone I hardly knew take you out of my life and convince me you were not worth having in my life. I can’t believe I did it, but I did.

I listen to him. I slandered you. I laughed when he made fun of you and called you names. I don’t deserve your love. I have talked so poorly about you, to so many. I have only myself to blame.

But I was the one who chose to love you. I didn’t realize you never chose to love me. Eventually you fell for me because I couldn’t let you go and we made so many good memories together and we got along so well. We had such a special connection that I will never forget. I miss you dearly. I miss you every day. Sometimes in the morning. Somtimes it’s at night but usually it’s in the short silences throughout the day that my brain runs in circles chasing memories of what we had. I miss you. I will never find anyone else like you. You were my soul mate and I let you go. I took you in, then I took you for granted and I regret it every day. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, missing you, longing for your comforting eyes. Your warm chest and strong arms that would hold me as I fell asleep each night.

Now you are with another. And I saw it coming. I always knew you would end up with someone else some how. I always knew there was someone out there who would make you happier than I did. And I’m thankful that you have finally found her, at least I hope for your sake that she is. Because you are now the person I always knew you could be. You are the loyal man I dreamed you would be with me. I am so proud of you for that. It breaks my heart because I wish you could have done it for me. I wish that when we got together, you saw me the way I saw you. I saw you so vividly and I put everything into our relationship. Maybe that wasn’t fair. I thought we were on the same page. We took things fairly slow and I don’t think we rushed but it still haunts me that you said you didn’t mean it the first time you said it. I didn’t say it, I was thinking it but I didn’t say it. You didn’t have to say it. I wish you wouldn’t have said it. I wish you would have been honest with me. I wish I didn’t get sucked into your lies and let myself go down the rabbit hole trying to fix your issues. I should have been focusing on myself. I let myself go. I died a little inside that day. The day I found out about those other girls, tinder and pictures, I still remember the pain. I remember not sleeping all night and barely being able to breath between each tear. I thought you loved me. But I was living a lie. I should have walked away. That would have been better for me. I would have been respecting myself more. I shouldn’t have called him the next day and asked to talk. I was playing myself. I thought I could change him and be the only one but it wasn’t true. It was never true. The only one who can change anyone is God. I was a fool to think otherwise, I wanted to believe all your lies and stolen words. It was such a cozy fantasy, but it was never real. Though I am thankful, for all the pain you helped me heal.

You were always there for me, but I’ve come to realize that I wasn’t as good of a friend to you. After that day, I never saw you the same, but I still chose to stay. I thought I needed you, I built my life around you.

I didn’t treat you well after that day. I started fights, I didn’t trust you, I should have let things be. I should have left it up to God. I dragged you down with me in my depression and pain and I blamed you for all of it. You were so understanding and compassionate, you listened to it all. I didn’t take responsibility for enough, I didn’t take enough time for myself. I stopped being a good friend to myself that day and in turn I stopped being a good friend to others slowly as well. It hurts me to admit it. But it’s the only way to really do better.

You tried so hard, every day you loved me more and tried harder and got better and I just got worse. I wish I could tell you I’m sorry. But our bridge has been burned now, all by my doing once again. All the time I spent accusing you of not being honest and at the end of the day I should have been looking at myself. The lies I had been telling myself had created their own life and I was right in it. Once I realized what I had done, I was emotional and acted hastily. I knew you had started something good with someone else and I tried to sabotage it by inviting you over late one night. Thankfully, you declined. You told me it wouldn’t be respectful to your girlfriend and it broke me. There were so many things I was feeling.

That was the answer I always wanted you to have to the other girls when you were with me. I was proud of you, but I was mad, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I had no right to be mad but it just came over me. I don’t even remember what I said after that because it was just a blur. I’m sure it was nothing good, because after that night, you didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I mean? Why would you? I wouldn’t have trusted me if I was you. My intentions were not in love. They were selfish. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

Im sorry for being so selfish, for giving up on myself and blaming you. It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault. You did the best you knew, and I think I might have manipulated you. I was fooling myself, and playing the victim. But I’m still so thankful for the time I spent with you. I don’t think you were happy with me deep down. I don’t think you wanted to admit it, of course this is all speculation. But if you were happy with me and with yourself then you wouldn’t have cheated right? Like really truly happy. How could you have been? I made things so hard for us. For months we would fight every night, and you never gave up on me. How did you do it? How did you love me so?

How did you love me when I treated you so poorly?

You must hate me now, the more you come out of it the more you must be realizing, just like I am. I wouldn’t blame you for being angry with me, for resenting me. I blamed you for so much. Then after all we went through, I turned around and left you without warning. I started a new life with someone else and broke your heart. I wish I could go back in time with what I know now. I wish I could go and run to you and hug you through those days you spent alone. I’m so sorry for leaving you.

But I hope you are happy now, I hope everything works out for you. You deserve so much more than I could ever give to you.