The Machine

How can I describe how terrible things in my head have been in the past several years. I'm moving past everything alone it seems. I keep going higher and higher and everyone I ever cared about is on the same ladder of the rung. I hate my life honestly. Start to finish it's been nothing but fight after fight after fight. Every single one has been different and challenging for me in different ways and some all the ways in one time. When I look back at things I used to be excited about I wonder who that person was that used to smile and laugh all the time. Still angry to a degree, but nothing to the point I am now. Food tastes different, I have no will to take care of myself and I've been alone not lonely but alone for the entirety of it. Nothing moves unless I move it, and nothing flows unless I release the water. You see I have three businesses that I'm simultaneously trying to run. Real businesses, not the ones that people tell you they own and don't have any clients or profits coming in. Real business like I started two of them out of a 1-bedroom apartment on my laptop that have made profit in the two years and counting we've been open. Two years of tax returns showing the proof, websites, employees, the whole nine. I also have a girlfriend who I thought would help me build this all with me. That was my first mistake... never assume someone will help you regardless of their words or closeness in proximity to you they are all the time. Running a business has never been about working yourself into the ground and if you still think that read any book from the E-Myth series. Businesses run themselves, they are their own entity completely separate from your personal identity. A business is supposed to be a machine. The employees are cogs in said machine and the owner turns the handle, so it runs properly.

Now picture someone building the machine buying each piece every day. The owner sees the machine for what it could be, understands the necessary parts he/she needs to make it function as quickly and effectively as possible and since in the beginning there are no parts they become all the parts. Some of the parts for the machine cannot be found or bought and must be built with raw materials, taking up not only time but energy. Keep in mind the owner is the machine at this point and is looking for pieces, building pieces and finding pieces to replace himself piece by piece. Most machines never make it farther than year one of being created. It takes two years for the government to recognize that the machine has any potential, and still, most fail within the first five years. The most important piece is the first one. A girlfriend, a parent, a longtime friend that sticks and helps you out, but it's most important for them to understand what piece of the machine they are. Without that they think they're doing so much, but in all actuality aren't even fulfilling the role, and if you’re not performing your role the machine malfunctions.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I can tell you what I wouldn't do again is have a significant other help me in any business venture in the future. Clearly, I can do this, clearly this is what I was born to do, but that is not what everyone on Earth was born to do. Lines get crossed easily and often when, as the owner of the business is the new baby in the house and your girlfriend isn't taking care of it like you would. Like any new baby it cries, needs to be fed and given the utmost attention... at all times unless it's sleeping, and even then, one must be on edge. The baby could fall out of the crib, flip over and stop its breathing or start choking. All bad things and all detrimental things that could kill the baby. It's understandable if you've never taken care of a child before to not know exactly what you’re doing. So, like anything you watch the person that's doing it the best and emulate them. That would be the best way to learn. That is not the stance that I have experienced with my significant other in business. They are their own person. With their own ideas, emotions and actions to follow, just because you've been taking care of the baby well for years and know everything about the care-taking process, they think they can do it too. Since they aren't really employees, they get to see you for who you are and with that comes understanding of a person or it should I haven't experienced that either. I appreciate all my employees because if they didn't show up and see my vision and respect me then I would still be the machine. However, when I tell them to do something they do it. I always appreciate their opinion, but in reality, I have the final say it's my child you see. A significant other does not have that same affliction. The things said to them they don't see/feel that they have to do them and if they do it's not an urgent feeling that must be accomplished within a reasonable time. In a way they feel like they’re a co-parent and they can help in a different way that no one asked them to help in.

For example, I need reports run and for people to show up on time while I am out securing more business. Instead of doing anything that was asked, they show up late, don't run the reports, but they do buy the entire team coffee. Great morale booster, but the baby/business has not been taken care of and now I have to stop the progress of growth and tend to the smaller but still important things to keep us running. When I bring up this concern I am always met with. "Things aren't that bad or you never say any of the good things I do". I would like to ask an open-ended question because maybe I'm crazy at this point. If your machine that was built single-handedly by you and is the bread and butter of the home while also having the potential to create excessive time off and generate millions of dollars in income had some hiccups. Nothing major, but you can see the holes and cracks in some areas, and you ask your significant other to support you in fixing them, and they instead take a nap because they’re tired. They complain because even though they've been watching you for three years run this machine alone they're still confused so they can't help. They shame you for talking to them "disrespectfully" because if they're not spoken to in a certain way they won't help. Even on weekends they go off and spend money that the machine makes and then wants you to be cheerful when they return. Would you talk with them about the good things they did, or would you speak about how the machine is still broken, and you had to fix it alone? At what point would you stop asking them to help you with the machine? Would you give up or would you keep trying to include them despite all their consistent faults and depressive energy.

I'm still trying to figure that out. Relationships work when two people have the time to work on them. All my free time and energy goes into the machine. If your partner doesn't want to work on the machine with you then don't put yourself through the pain of figuring it out. If they’re the one, then they'll be there when it's all said and done. Business and relationships don't mix like water and oil. One must become the other or as I always say push yourself and conquer both. The way I see it both people can work on the machine nonstop and when they’re exhausted, they break with each other also. That's working on the vision together and still maintaining a relationship. One must give into the other though and you've got to decide. It can be a lot of money, time and those combined freedom if you build a proper machine but you might not have a good relationship, it might end completely. The other option is chase nothing. Allow yourself to have a work life balance and understand you'll never have more than the next person, but it's the little things like the relationship that will be great.