The Intoxication

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Coming home to an empty house gets old after a while. Besides, I always felt I had far too much love bottled up inside of me. Pouring love into people time and time again who ultimately proved themselves unworthy, only left me feeling worse than before. It made me realize that loneliness is not the worst thing in the world.

I admit I had been indecisive about taking concrete steps to becoming a mom, mainly because of the impending responsibility of it all.

During one of my late-night conversations with my friend Zaddy, I mentioned my strong desire to be a mom. Much to my surprise and delight, Zaddy came up with a proposal that we go ‘half’ on a son. Zaddy was my best friend for many years, we had similar lifestyles, work schedules, and perspectives. When he volunteered to help make both our dreams come true, how could I refuse? We were going to have a son!

The idea of motherhood made me both excited and anxious, but I found comfort in the fact that I would not be in this alone. Our son would grow up in two different households and that bothered me, but knowing he would have two amazing parents, calmed my nerves. Zaddy has at least three sons (that I know of), so this was nothing new for him. I got the chance to meet one of his sons and instantly, we clicked. His son’s well-behaved, easy-going temperament triggered my imagination and I envisioned our son being just as perfect.

Let me tell you a bit more about Zaddy and our unique friendship. We met at an interesting time in both our lives. We both were single but neither of us had any intentions on dating each other. This created an easy, pressure-free environment, in which our platonic friendship developed rapidly. Zaddy understood me very well. With him, there was no need to be carefree and happy-go-lucky. He understood my cynical and at times jaded outlook on things, and our witty, dark humor became therapy throughout some of life’s crappiest moments.

My first impression of Zaddy is: he’s charming, easy-going, relatable, and most of all, funny. You could bring him around anyone, and they would like him. Basically, he was the complete opposite of me. I’m often considered uptight, unrelatable, and somewhat cold, so watching him move is something I admired, and soon I went out of my way to learn that skill set from him.

It’s hard to explain, but when you are around Zaddy he gives you this overwhelming feeling of safety. It’s as if you know he is ten steps ahead of everyone else, always thinking of the next move, in charge of when it’s time to go, of what and where to eat. In my experience, this type of male is rare. The majority of men I meet seem to have a sense of absentmindedness about them, forcing me to be extra alert about my surroundings.

Besides all that, Zaddy pushed me to pursue all my goals, and he provided moral support whenever I felt frustrated. What more can you ask for in a friend, much less a guy? Even though we are just friends, he slowly transformed the way I looked at the men I planned on dating. I found myself measuring them by his standards, which I had grown accustomed to. He had indirectly elevated me to a completely different level, and there was no turning back. He sounds dreamy like something straight out of a fairytale. Before I knew it, being around him, my life slowly became that fairytale UNTIL… reality set in.

“There is a thin line between love and hate.” I used to accept that saying as truth, but now I see things differently. I would say my relationship with Zaddy was very much like a seesaw on a playground. One side represents the LOVE and when it’s good, ohhhh it’s good! He did everything you needed him to do, and often took it upon himself to go over and beyond.. Quite frankly, sometimes I ended up in a state of euphoria when the love side got too high. I would be so happy at times that I felt nothing could ever bring me back down. But as they say, what goes up must come down, and then the seesaw tilts to the opposite side and the HATE kicks in.

Can this really be the same person that made me so happy? Surprisingly, this very person could be just as toxic as they are good. He could be controlling, possessive, manipulative, and worst of all, extremely negative. I slowly found myself beginning to hate him. While on the hate side of the seesaw, I started convincing myself that I did not need this roller coaster ride. Then just as easily, I started thinking about all the good he does and then both sides of the seesaw became level. I convinced myself that the favorable balances the unfavorable and that was pretty much the end of it. Before I could blink, I had a seesaw of emotions going up and down wreaking havoc in my thoughts.

It seems to me that men never hesitate to unload all their good traits early on in a friendship. Somehow, they know that they need to let their bad traits trickle in as time goes by. Over time, I began to notice things in my friendship with Zaddy that I should have found alarming. I was in such a state of euphoria that it made me overlook some clear warning signs. Whenever Zaddy did something grand, like take me out for dinner for no special reason, the day after he always got in a funky mood. If I decided to go out with some girlfriends the following night, he told me, “Whatever! You know you are going to have a ‘trash ass’ time. They can never do things like me.”

After this happened a few times, I began to realize that these grand gestures he made towards me were not solely for my benefit but were mainly for his ego. The bigger my smile, the more people I told, the more posts I made about everything he did for me — the more they became fuel for his ego. I began to notice that if he did not get the appreciation, he thought I owed him, all hell broke loose.

It became the norm for me to tell Zaddy, who I trusted as my confidant, everything. It’s almost as if he keeping a running tab on everything I told him and regurgitated the information when needed. I noticed that quite often he wrote down things I said to him in his phone. Why? What was he doing with that information? I would talk about my other friends and he would fill in, “oh that’s the one who did such and such,” never skipping a beat. This might not sound like a negative, but when you find out he secretly implemented entire investigations on all your friends from social media, it becomes more than a little creepy.

In retrospect, I noticed that as soon as he entered my life, others started to leave. He would then ask, “Why do you need that person around; what are they really doing for you other than being a burden?” Maybe he was right, and I didn’t need them or maybe he was just scheming to get me all to himself, but before I knew it, I cleaned house and my close circle of friends slowly became a line… leading directly to him. I rationalized it by telling myself that he is the friend that can do it all anyways. He slowly became my go-to person for basically everything. Some might say that is a blessing; others might call that… toxic.

The best way to describe his toxicity is to say he planted little seeds. Little seeds of doubt here, seeds of negativity here, a few seeds of manipulation there, and so on. He diligently watered those seeds with his good side, you know, the grand gestures, great advice, comforting ear, etc. Next thing I knew, I was stuck in this garden of evil that he planted around me. It was an intricate maze. The kindness and attentiveness he showed, drew me deep into the garden while his nasty little comments made me want to turn around and run out. If I withdrew, he sensed it right away and became clingy. His well-planted vines wrapped around me like tentacles and slowly suffocated me, if I moved too far. The intoxicating smell of fresh flowers that he would send me, disguised the stench of his toxic ways once I got a nice whiff of them. No matter what, he always lured me right back into the middle of the garden, so I eventually stopped fighting and learned to embrace it. I was trapped, even more so now, because we shared a son.

From the moment our son arrived, he took on the bulk of the responsibilities as he insisted, “I have plenty of experience.” He never complained, but I recall one bothersome little ‘seed’ he planted in my mind. “I love our son already,” he said. “I will do anything for him, but I know you. You are NOT going to like being a mom. I bet you won’t even make it a week.” Such great motivation from a seasoned father. If that’s how he felt then why did he initiate this arrangement? His comment made me determined to prove him wrong.

The first week that I had our son at my place was a rude awakening for me. All he did was eat, poop, pee, and cry. I had never been needed so much in my entire life. I felt an overpowering sense of anxiety and was not sleeping. All I can hear is the constant, piercing cries of my son. My anxiety caused me to lose my appetite, all I could manage to do that week was obsessively take care of him as I worried about whether I was doing everything right. I did my best to attend to him but was barely taking care of myself. As the days passed, I felt more hopeless, as I did not yet feel a deep bond with my son. I remember Zaddy’s prediction that I would not like being a mom, and I panicked. Maybe I really wasn’t cut out for this; maybe he was right. Great! Now his little seed is digging in its roots.

Despite my feelings of inadequacy, I wasn’t entirely alone. Zaddy was a VERY involved parent. He came by and made sure everything was set up properly and he always answered his phone whenever I called frantically for advice. At first, I welcomed all the help he so generously offered but I soon felt overwhelmed by his constant presence. Every time I looked over my shoulder he was there. Anytime there was a mess, he would be handing me a paper towel before I even turned around to get it myself. I began to feel as if he wanted me to be dependent on him. Was this another one of his seeds? He was slowly invading the little bit of freedom I had left, and I was sick of it.

“If you’re always around to help me, how will I ever get used to doing things on my own?” I blurt out, as I looked at Zaddy intently.

Zaddy smirked, throwing his hands in the air and slowly backing away. “Ok, I got you,” he said, and I knew exactly what that smirk meant, he did not have to say it aloud. It meant, “Good luck doing it without Zaddy.”

I tried to figure everything out on my own the next couple of days and avoided calling Zaddy. I mean, I am smart. I had access to Google. I could figure this out, right? So, on this one particular day, my son was acting funny, he seemed withdrawn and was not eating. Was he sick? Was he depressed? Did I do something wrong? His odd behavior continued throughout the day and so I did what I had to… I called Zaddy.

He rushed over right away and just like magic, there was a look of excitement on our son’s face when he saw him. The next thing you knew, he was happy and eating again, and normalcy was restored. Great! Now my son favors Zaddy over me… just like everyone else does. The look Zaddy gave me told me he recognized this too and that’s when I LOST it.

“That’s it! I don’t want to do this anymore. He clearly likes you better. You were right, I don’t like being a mother,” I blurt out.

“OMG, you can’t be serious. I was joking when I said that. It hasn’t even been a week and you are ready to give up?”

After a long talk between us, I finally came to my senses. I clearly had a mini meltdown which I feel terrible about, but the fact that I got it all out, made me feel a lot better. The days that followed were easier for me. I was getting used to everything, I was not as overwhelmed, and my son and I were finally bonding. Once I acted as if I was back in control, my son took on my demeanor and from then on, he was fine.

For the next couple of weeks, Zaddy would NOT let my little outburst go. Any chance he got to rub it in my face, he would bring up the fact that I almost gave up on motherhood. I hated the fact that the little seed he planted in my head about motherhood affected me so deeply, that it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One afternoon Zaddy suggested we purchase a nanny camera to check on our son when we were not around and initially, it sounds like a great idea. I never had a strong urge to spy on him or question anything he did, so the nanny camera for me was just something I could log onto periodically, to see what they were up to and communicate. Wish I could say it was the same for Zaddy. At first it was cool. I would be putting my son down for the night and I would see the blue light on the camera come on, indicating someone was watching. He would at times chime into the conversation.

Zaddy and I got into an argument one day and neither of us were speaking to each other. That didn’t stop Zaddy however from watching me when I was home. Every time I looked over my shoulder, the blue light was on, accompanied by an eerie silence. This continued for days and I started to feel like he is always watching me.

One night after I put my son to sleep, I laid on the couch in my living room and watched TV as I tried to unwind. I was very restless and unable to concentrate. Suddenly, I recalled a conversation I once had with Zaddy while we were out enjoying a few drinks at a bar. I’m pretty sure he was drunk, and I would be surprised if he remembered, but he told me he used to put a tracker on his ex-girlfriend’s car. I remember we both laughed about it at the time, but fast forward to now, it was clear this guy did not have a problem with invading other people’s privacy.

I immediately got off the couch and walked over to the nanny cam. I yanked the cord from the outlet and slam it to the ground repeatedly with such force, that it shattered. Oddly enough, its demise gave me a sense of peace. When Zaddy eventually asked about the now dysfunctional camera, I hesitated briefly and respond, “Our son knocked it over. It’s broken.”

I realized now that a huge red flag I overlooked with Zaddy, is the fact that he was a loner. He had no family close by, which I didn’t question because apart from my mother and father, neither did I. What’s weird though, is that he never really talked about his family or went out of his way to visit them. He did not appear to have any friends outside of a few coworkers. How is it possible that someone as charismatic as Zaddy could be such a loner? I never thought twice about it at first, probably due to the fact that the older you get, sadly, the harder it is to stay socially active. So when I eventually asked Zaddy why he was such a loner and he answered, “people don’t deserve me,” I couldn’t argue with that. I often feel the same way. Life has a way of making you more cynical as you make your way through the unpleasant experiences.

As time went on, I adjusted to having my son along with my normal responsibilities, so much so, that I began to make a conscious effort to meet new friends and go out whenever I had free time. This meant I had less and less time to interact with Zaddy. I was finally making my way out of Zaddy’s garden of evil. I was building healthier relationships, regaining my autonomy, so to speak; all positive things, BUT of course, that’s something Zaddy would not just sit back and allow to happen.

The more independent I became, the more needy he became. He called to ask a series of questions such as, “What are you doing? Where are you going?” etc. The more he asked, the more evasive I became. It felt like I was in a romantic relationship at times; as if the lines between platonic and romantic were often blurred.

When Zaddy realized he could not stop me from asserting my independence, he began to use our son to get my attention. He called me whenever he had allergies, when there was a nice event we could take him to, he called to ask what type of food we should feed him next, and the list went on. Anything he could possibly use to grab my attention, he used. One day when he was picking up our son, I decided to confront him.

“I know you are using our son to get my attention. You can’t stand that I have other things going on besides you,” I screamed.

Zaddy grinned. “Why do you think I signed up to have this son with you? It was the easiest way to keep you around for a good ten to twenty years.”

OMG! How could I have been so stupid? All this time, our son was nothing but another trap to keep me around. This is no longer someone I can trust.

I avoided him as much as I could after that, dealing with him only when I absolutely had to. His demands only got greater.

One morning I had to take Zaddy to the dealership because his car wouldn’t start. I purposely kept the conversation short between us.

Later that night Zaddy calls. “Are you ok? You were acting weird earlier on,” he said.

I paused. I might as well be honest; I thought to myself. “I dunno, I just feel a bit stressed. I’m the ONLY person you have here to depend on, so it can get overwhelming at times.

“Oh, well, I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you,” Zaddy spat, his voice rising an octave with each word he spoke. “Don’t worry though, I’ll take the burden off of you.”

“What does that even mean?” I ask wearily.

“We shouldn’t be friends anymore if that’s how you feel,” Zaddy responded.

“I’m just telling you how I feel. That’s not what I’m trying to do here.”

Sometimes the smallest thing I said triggered him, causing him to lash out at me. I remained calm on this occasion as I now know he will say any and everything he could, to get under my skin. I often felt that if he was hurt or angry, he went out of his way to make whoever angered him feel the same pain or intensity of feeling that he was experiencing. Understanding this allowed me to keep my cool no matter what was said. Or so I thought.

“I’m getting tired of YOU anyways. We really don’t need to be friends if I’m such a burden,” Zaddy repeated angrily.

I was quiet for a few seconds. “Yeah,” I say finally, breaking the rare, staticky silence that lies between us. “Maybe, you’re right.”

“We might as well get rid of our son since that is the only tie, we have between us. Get rid of both burdens in your life while you’re at it.” Zaddy snarled.

“Do you really think all that is necessary? I mean… if that’s what you think is best, I will take him until we figure out the best decision for him.” I said calmly.

“Hell no! You will NEVER see him again. I’ll get rid of him so don’t even worry about it. I can’t even stand to look at him because he reminds me of your stupid ass.” Zaddy yelled.

I could definitely relate to him when he said that. The way my son would catch temper tantrums when he didn’t get his way or use those puppy dog eyes to get out of something you scolded him for, always irritated me.

“Let’s just give this some time. You are clearly upset, and we don’t need to rush and make hasty or foolish decisions,” I said.

“It’s already been decided!” Zaddy said firmly.

“Stop being so irrational. There is no need to take this out on our son. He has done nothing wrong and does not need to be punished for our issues.” I declared.

“Whatever! I’m on my way to bring him to the pound right now. Don’t ask me where either because I’m not telling you,” Zaddy said with venom.

I could feel the rage rising. “This is ridiculous. I’m coming right now to get him,” I insisted, in a curt manner.

“Don’t bother, I’m already leaving.” Zaddy yelled, as the line went dead.

Okay, now I was furious! Using our son, this sweet, four-month-old Rottweiler, as bait to lure me into a dark place with him, especially after he incessantly ridiculed me for weeks for venting during my first week EVER of being a dog mom.

I headed to Zaddy’s house, only to find him in his driveway with the dog. He greeted me as if everything was perfectly normal. Talking to me as if nothing ever happened. I played along with his game long enough to get the dog in the car and leave the situation behind. It was my turn to keep the dog anyway, so I had two full weeks to figure this all out.

It is now ten whole days since that fight, and I have not spoken to Zaddy since. I ignored his numerous calls and texts. He needs to learn not to take me for granted and that he can’t abuse the influence he has in my life. I don’t have all the answers just yet, but what I do know, is what I will and will not put up with moving forward.

I share my story so hopefully others can recognize the warning signs I once missed and apply it to their own lives. I say, take time to get to know people before embracing them into your inner circle. If things seem too good to be true, it most likely is. Set boundaries and maintain them. Remember, they are meant to protect you. Be assertive and speak your mind. Finally, it is often in the state of turmoil and chaos that we really discover who we truly are and where our strength lies.