The Effects of Prevalence of Fatherlessness in Modern Society

The formula for masculine growth is simple:

Shovel-Blisters-Callouses

Do the hard work, endure and overcome the pain/resistance, adapt to that challenge, learn that skill, and take on the next level of hard work.

Masculine strength is derived from taking risks, going out into the “wilderness” to be tested, and discovering for himself the foundational truth that he has what it takes. This requires risk, pain, uncertainty, failure, and above all, perseverance.

Conversely, feminine growth is nourished, protected, and cultivated. The feminine doesn’t grow by being thrown out into the wilderness to fend for itself. When a woman is put in that position, it forces her to become masculine. We see ample evidence of this in modern society. We also see mass resentment from women towards men. Is that a coincidence?

For the feminine to flourish it must be treated with love and tenderness. She is cherished and built up. This allows her strength to grow by putting down roots in stable, consistent, and well-nourished soil.

Logically, those previous points are hard to argue with. So why is it that they seem so antiquated?

The prevalence of fatherlessness

The past forty years of passive, unengaged, absent fathers and no-fault divorce has put burden of raising children solely on mothers.

How this has affected boys?

Mothers “cultivate” the growth of their sons. They nurture and love them, protect them from hardship, then churn them out into the world unprepared for manhood. As soon as he does something hard and gets blisters, mom comes to the rescue and tells him to stop doing that thing that made him hurt.

This has created generations of young men who react in one of two extremes:

- Toxic masculinity: They push mom away and become hyper-masculine in response; embracing dangerous activities, following the lead of wrong masculine influences, and chasing the “image” of masculinity.

- Failure to Launch- they allow mom to insulate them from life, from hardship, from struggle, then damn them to a life of feeling inadequate as a man.

How this has affected girls?

Meanwhile, this mother has had to endure life on her own. She’s had to learn how to take care of herself, rely on her own strength. So what does she tell her daughter? Toughen up.

When she gets blisters, mom tells her: “That’s life girl. No one is coming to save you.”

The very traits that a father should be teaching a son are instead being taught to daughters by mothers (the role model they play), while mothers insulate their sons from the hardship boys require to become men.

Is it any wonder everything seems backward?

How does this affect relationships?

Young girls without healthy masculine influences seek out the wrong type of men. They want the bad boy. They chase the wrong type of male attention and more often, learn hard way. This leads women to resent and lose trust in men.

Young boys without healthy masculine influences won’t know how to relate to girls. They won’t know what it means to be masculine, therefore the girls will ignore them, and break their hearts. This leads to young men giving up on girls and escaping into porn and video games or learning to “run the game” on girls and treat them like objects.

Young men and women in the modern resent each other for these behaviors. The sad truth is, they are both reacting to two sides of the same coin.

How it should be: Men

Men provide stability and safety for women to fully embrace their strengths. He fosters a nourishing environment for her to put down roots and withstand the storm of life. Dad provides structure to his daughter. He dotes on her, cherishes her, encourages her and protects her. He gives her a safe space to learn her value and find her courage. He demonstrates for her how she should expect other men to treat her. Because of him, she knows her worth.

Dad demonstrates Manhood to his son. He prevents mom from coming to the rescue and inadvertently stunting his growth into a man. He walks through the trials of life with his son, side by side, until that young man is ready to stand on his own two feet.

How it should be: Women

She refines away the areas where his callouses prevent him from seeing his heart. She reminds him to love, to have joy and compassion. She helps him learn to communicate, express himself and harness his feelings.

She tames the Barbarian.

Mom teaches the daughter what true feminine strength is. Because she is loved, her raising of her daughter doesn’t come from a place of survival, bitterness or resentment, but from a place of love and acceptance.

Mom gives the son a loving, stable, nurturing environment. She demonstrates what a healthy woman values and looks like and gives him an ideal to look for in his future partner. She balances out her husband’s roughness so that her son doesn’t become too hardened.

The saddest thing about these topics is the inherent friction between modern men and women. Our post-modern society has pitted men and women against one another like it is a competition. The reality is, when either of us loses, we both lose.

- Men lose out on the benefits a feminine woman brings to his life

- Women lose out on the benefits a masculine man brings to her life

- Children lose out on what both the masculine and the feminine have to offer in raising well-rounded children who have found their unique strengths and understand their inherent value.

And society pays the price in chaos!

It’s time to move past Men vs. Women. We have ample evidence of what that leads to, and it’s not good.

It’s time for Men and Women, to work together in harmony.

If you’re a single parent: I’m not blaming or shaming you. My hope is that as a single parent, these points help you understand the different ways in which boys and girls need to be raised differently and how to effectively help them grow in the way that’s most beneficial for them.