THE DUSK HAS SET

As you all know by now when I write something for you to read it is something sad, and dark.

Where is the joy? Where is her light, her peace?

These are all questions I ask myself on a daily basis. I am crying deep down inside reflecting on the times when I laughed.

I smiled, yes it was marvelous! “Chuckling on the inside”

I could be myself and be crazy…say the stupidest thing you could think of and the looks. Those looks Dad, my brothers, and mom would give me. But never did I feel dumb, It would make me laugh more.

Not really caring much what I said, or how it came out.

My nerves stay on edge, the happiness has drifted as you can tell.

I am not a very smart woman, “Well I did pass the bar exam for the TN Life Insurance license.”

I am a caring woman and it is hard to wish harm on anyone in my eyes.

But my nerves, my skin, they start to crawl, the only humorous outlook to him is….

Being the villain I swear it is like he gets off on it. Being in the car with him terrifies me to death!

God forbid, the next passerby pulled out at the same exact time we did and so happened to go the exact same way we are. He begins to floor it! Getting so close to the car that is now in front of us. Cussing like a Mad Man, the car window rolled down yelling at people.

Thinking everyone is out to get him…

WHAT! How in the hell is every single person out to get you???

Something is off slipping back to those days of marital bliss we once shared between us.

He just started a job as I still continue to stand strong and find leads to help with my new life insurance job.

Ill..When he comes through the door. The pain I recognize I sympathize, Tired I know that he is.

I am sorry I have not made anything to keep you home. I think to myself that it has taken too long. I am not a punching bag for his harsh words and hateful attitude. I will not tolerate this another time.

My mother I have spoken of before, is in the hospital over her heart.

I have no one to vent to but the only other adult in my life.

He shrugs his shoulders to the news as I expect him to because they hate each other.

“I hope she dies matter of fact when we get home I will take your phone and tell her myself.”

I can’t do this any more is what goes through my head as I begin to pray.

I know she is a drama as well. I hate it but I love her.

I don’t go around her because of the hate of him and her because she starts shit.

Another story for another day I suppose.

As my children are nearing Adulthood the fear of my babies not coming around terrifies me.

I want to build a house big enough they will never want to fly away from the nest.

But, they want to like any other child they have to live and learn and if I never see them again.

I just reaped what I sowed. What I allowed, life we have a choice but I never feel like I do.

I give in to avoid the conflict, a people pleaser. I never regret my children. They are the best thing I have ever done in my life.