Awkward Moment Created By Dad
I must of been about 14 years old at the time. A few weeks prior to this we moved into a new house. I had not met the neighbors yet, just knew that they were an older couple with three young sons. The oldest being just about a year or so younger than me. It had been snowing on and off for days now. This afternoon I found myself sitting in the front window, captivated by the image of my neighbor's son shoveling snow in the front yard and the driveways of the houses next to ours. Just then my father came in the front door, he had been outside talking to the neighbor. He chuckled and said why don't you go out and talk to him, you have been sitting in that window watching him for over a half an hour. To which I abruptly replied, no thanks I am good. He followed it up with when did you become so shy? I said I am not shy, I just don't have anything to say to him. Are you completely sure about that he asked while kind of laughing at me. To this I replied yes and stood up and headed toward the stairs to go up to my bedroom. My dear old dad who was still standing by the front door proceeded to push me out it as I was walking past him. Now I probably would not have minded so much if I wasn't barefoot and wearing just a t- shirt, and a pair of basketball shorts. Just knowing that my father was on the other side of the door laughing thinking he was funny, was extremely annoying to me. I heard through the laughter, you can stay out there until you talk to him.
The Sinister Side of Sousa
I’ve played clarinet since the fifth grade, so I already had a few years under my belt by the time I made it to Junior High School. I practiced regularly, and I was getting pretty good. Back in those days, the band director would assign your position based upon your ability. The first clarinets were the best, followed by the second clarinets, and of course, the third clarinets were last. If you were assigned the last seat in the third clarinet section, you had nowhere to go but up. At the time of “the incident,” I had made it to the middle of the seconds.
Nacho Ordinary Bar
Picture if you will: Los Angeles, late Spring 1999. Encino, to be exact. Ann, a college senior is on her own in the City of Angels, having just completed the Directors Guild of America Trainee Exam. She's nervous and alone. She doesn't want to go out by herself, because she's a small town girl and completely out of her element. She reaches out to some sorority sisters in the area, but they are busy. One volunteers her boyfriend, Jeff, to take her to dinner.
Surely, You Jest
"A pox on thee, thou fawning, flap-mouthed fop." That's what I should have said. Instead, I just stood there with my mouth agape. But let me back this story up a bit.
Silent But Deadlier
Let’s begin by explaining that this is definitely not a fable in any sort of way. This is a story that I hold close to my chest and only a minute amount of close friends, that I consider family, know of said story.The only reason is because they were there on that dreadful, Saturday night. I have changed the name of my closest friend in this story, which to this day, I call, ‘my brother from another mother’. Let’s call him, ‘Curly’, for legal and social purposes, shall we? I must also mention that after growing up with the Three Stooges, I had always wished that my mother had named me, ‘Curly’, legally. This was well until I was deep into my twenties. Call me ‘crazy’, but this too is 100% true and ‘screw you’, if you think any of this to be a lie, LOL ! Ok, here is how the freakin’ story goes....... ‘Curly’ owned a small percentage of a huge bar and restaurant, that I frequently patronized. Suitably, let’s call it, ‘Moe’s Place’ for all of the other ‘die-hard’ fans of the lovable Stooges like myself. This place was a bar that on certain Saturday nights, I would actually ride my motorcycle directly into, revving my engine. Now, this was a rare spectacle only utilized when extremely large amounts of tequila and beer were consumed before arrival? But, gosh damn, did I love it and the ‘newbies’ to the establishment had a kool story to tell about their night at ‘Moe’s Place’! Another known and much pleasurable fact was that this bar possessed a ‘topless’ only strip-club. It was separately attached to the back end of ‘Moe’s Place’, as well as above the bar, with a completely separate entrance. Now, Curly and I were known by every patron as, ‘The life of the party’, and as drinking goes, by all and every means, we absolutely were. I must also indulged that we were not young men in our early ‘twenties’, but childish fellows in our early ‘forties’. (I was a ‘late bloomer’, so freakin’ sue me if you can’t relate to trying to play a little ‘catch up’ in life?) When it comes to enjoying what life we have here on earth, I feel deeply that age should not matter, but only the good times with friends and family should. Trying to out drink younger guys and making people laugh was Curly’s and my passion. We lived by an ‘unwritten’ Marine Corps motto that ‘tomorrow is never promised, so drink up every ounce of goodness of life, today’! (Our wives at the time would sometimes argue that our motto should not be taken ‘literally’, but knew that we were ‘ happy drunks’, not ‘cheaters’ and would allow us blow off some steam from time to time.) This night of the story was birthday night for Curly and I promised him and others, that I would be the funniest and most fun guy at this birthday party. We were known for trying to out do one another to make people laugh and forget their ‘woes in life’. Tonight had to be ‘epic’ in every sense of the word! The only thing was that, I had the reminance of a slight ‘stomach virus’ brewing, but I would not let the advice of my caring wife and ill stomach stop my attempts of greatness this night. As the night flowed of tequila, whiskey and beer, my stomach ‘brewed of deceit’. But, how can I, in good conscious, listen to it’s lies..... I could not, I wouldn’t! I would still try to achieve the title of, ‘King of the funny men’, and nothing must stand in my way, even as a bubbling was a brewing. Later, after three hours of drinking, Curly suggested a couple of drinking hours in the VIP section of the strip club, just before everyone took cabs to their homes and wives. ‘Excellent idea’, I thought to myself...’Most excellent idea, sir. Lead the way and I shall follow’! I had two hundred more dollars just screaming to exit my pockets! Arriving at the entrance of the club, with a loving entourage of Marines ready to have fun, we were greeted like kings. “Right this way fellas”, “good to see you again tonight” and “your usual table in VIP is free tonight for Curly’s birthday”. These words rang out from the every member of the caring staff. “If there is anything you guys need, do not hesitate to ask”. We all nodded politely and were ushered in. Here, the antics began to appear as funny man after funny man did something to make the staff and other Marines laugh. Not one man was being rude to staff or ackward in any way. We were all like family in this establishment, even including the staff. Every one knew each other by first name and everyone knew each other for years. Curly even asked some dancers politely to handsomely pay them for allowing him to dance for them as they sat down and drank. The ladies laughed and enjoyed ever moment of getting paid to drink champagne and receive a lap dance or two from an slightly overweight, old Marine . “Well played, Curly”, I thought to myself. “You may very well win, ‘Funny man of the night’, tonight”? How can I top this antic? Is there any way possible? Then, the tequila said to me, “You can do this, you can top him, Marine”!!!! Just then, not thinking clearly, I said to myself..... ‘a silent, but deadly’ fart would do the trick. It had worked before and it would be a ‘show stopper’. Oh.....but, I was sooooooo wrong! As I let one go, my inebriated self forgot about my wife’s sound advice. I forgot that she was a highly educated nurse that was trained to understand the beginnings and ends of a stomach virus. But, in that precise moment of farting, I surprisingly realized that I had a terrible stomach virus and I just made a dreadful mistake! I had just pooped myself and did not know what to do and where to turn next? As I sat hopelessly in the corner of the booth, and Marine after Marine and dancer after dancer faces begin to grasp the ‘Stench of death’ in the air, everyone laughed and said, ‘O.....k....who in the hell let one rip’??? Dancer after dancer began to leave disgusted as nauseousness ran rampant. The frolicking atmosphere of jubilee abruptly stopped. My ‘plans of greatness’ have indeed gone awry. Curly stood up, grabbed a bottle of champagne and said that he had an admission that he wanted to relay. The toast went like this...” I just want to tell you fellas that you have made this night one of the greatest of my life!” I could only nervously giggle and order a last round of drinks before I could plan my sh#tty escape. Curly, continued with his toast.... “I also wanna say that the ‘sh#t has literally hit the fan, fellas. I had been feeling sick today, but had to celebrate with my closest pals. Can someone just close the tab for me so we can head home, please?” As everyone left, Curly could see in my eyes how embarrassed I was and handed me a extra shirt to tie around my waste. Curly said to me smiling, “The stomach virus that you have now, I had last week. I tried to do the exact thing you did Monday at the bar. One of the waiters saved my ass literally LOL. So, know I am saving yours, brother.” I thanked him as he said to me, as we exited the club hurriedly, “Hopefully, bro, you don’t have to ‘play it forward’ next week?”😂
We were in the middle of a global pandemic and of course I was stuck looking for a new job. But between you and I, I kind of liked the “new” way of things. I actually enjoyed covering my face with a mask. I always hated my bone structure and lips, and my eyes were one of my favorite features about myself. Now I could flaunt it and I loved it. Anyways, like I said, I was stuck looking for a new job and the mayor of Ohio was telling me I should only leave my house for essential items. That’s when I learned how crucial the internet really is to our society. I could buy wine online without the old lady yelling at me at the grocery store telling me it’s nonessential. You’re probably thinking, we are in the middle of a global pandemic, why is wine the first thing on your mind. Just bear with me and try to hear me out. I have terrible social anxiety and this pandemic has kind of helped me in a way. When I was looking for a new job, I was told we could do interviews on a zoom call. Now, don’t judge me, but the first thought that came through my mind was I could have a few glasses of wine before the interview and they would never know! It was never my intent to drink the whole bottle of Merlot, but I got nervous and the glasses seemed to go down almost too smooth. I logged onto the interview to find out it was an open interview and there was about ten other people on this call with me and if I wasn’t almost to the point of being drunk, I would have closed my computer so fast when I saw how intelligent the other people looked compared to me who was pretending to not be drunk.
Three Scoops of Super Hot and a Dabble of Sour Cream
Regrets have a way of sneaking under your bedroom door in the middle of the night or turning your stomach into a wrung out sponge the moment you see a man in a uniform.
Ma Is This Your School?
It's been over 7 years and my family are still hunting me with laughter over the "Ma Is This Your School?" question I asked. My mom is not from my hometown and I know little about her childhood. It's been 5 years since she died and I have so many wonderful memories to bring comfort and joy. I do remember traveling every weekend to my grand parents home in the DMV area in our family car pulling up to the yard while my boy cousin waited to get his first hit. We do our normal run around the car see if you can catch me game. My mom would get the weekly report of how bad your child is at pick up. So I thought this was my mom home town but learned later as I got older her actual birthplace and childhood residence until years later after my granddaddy died. This is when we would travel for 3 hours or more to where my grandparents met and siblings lived. As we visited I learned more about my mom younger days. Also, this is where I also experience the mountain fresh air and Carmel cake with homemade ice cream with the elders of our family.
My Most Embarrassing Brush With Fame!
The year was 2005. The WWE was coming to an area close enough to get tickets. We were in the midst of the Afghan conflict and still getting used to our new way of life, not that that would have stopped me from getting tickets. To make things even better, the WWE and some of the superstars were doing autograph signings to support the families of soldiers suddenly being called overseas. My dad, having served in the military, gave me a love and respect for our men and women in uniform so I went out of my way to make it to the signing. By this point in my life, I had an eleven-year-old son who also happened to be a huge Shawn Michaels fan. Shawn had come out of retirement and was back as a full-time performer so we had a chance to see our hero. At the time, the biggest draw for the young, youngish, and let's face it, guys with working eyeballs was none other than Trish Stratus.
Naked Nightmare Becomes Reality
We've all had that nightmare. The one where you walk into your classroom and everyone starts to laugh because for some ungodly reason you've come to school totally naked, not even a sock to your name. Then we wake up in our cosy beds, sighing with great relief because it was only a nightmare. Yeah well my nightmare became a big old dose of reality when I found myself butt naked in front of about 20 of my peers from school.
2020: The Year of Dropping Things in the Toilet
Toilets are gross right? They are full of germs, and we learn at a young age that we don’t want to be sticking our hands in them for any old reason, so we do everything in our power to avoid having to do it.
Where Is the War?
As I started to write this story, I searched my mind to try and find an embarrassing moment and I realized that in 52 years of life, I didn’t have one embarrassing moment. I asked my son, but he couldn’t think of an embarrassing moment for me. I asked my mom, but she couldn’t think of an embarrassing moment for me.