Survival

It’s never easy for me I will never understand the experience I had to endure in fucking Ohio. The day I landed there I had a bad feeling. I tried to give Lisa the benefit of the doubt it didn’t work out that way. She was as always disappointing. I don’t know if I can trust her to send my medicine through the mail as promised. But at this point, I’m just desperate to be home with my husband. If she doesn’t disappoint me with this then maybe all hope isn’t lost. But I’m not holding my breath. It’s been one day since she didn’t check on me though I wasn’t excepting it.

In fact, I’m glad I locked her out, she doesn’t even know me and she actually believed I accidentally locked her out. Well, shit happened you hurt me so much, and what’s worse you treated me like I wasn’t even your daughter. That’s why I said I considered myself an orphan because I didn’t have parents. She stranger who gave birth to me. That's pretty sad isn’t it?

I told myself there has to be a reason why I had to be here, I figured it out. My husband was right, I had to learn that my grandparents loved me. I still say that my grandfather didn’t because he was a monster to me. it was always a facade.

I couldn’t resist writing this on this flight, because I wanted to say how I felt about this flight. I think Delta is off today, the ladies were rude on my last flight, Didn’t provide snacks to the back row. And the turbulence is so bad right now that at this point I’m just not afraid right now.

I’ve been through worse shit than this. At this point nothing makes me afraid, god wouldn't give me trials that i can't handle. my hardships have made me stronger. I’m thinking God please let me make it home safe.

The states gave me vexation, and “family” gave me exasperation, breaking promises I should've never believed. I’m so glad that I took my medicine before flying.

I’ve gone through so many trials and tribulations, my wounds grew deep. The only thing calming my anxiety is the music and writing. I am starting to ask myself, did I pack my computer charger in the right bag? That’s how confused I was.

I cried as we took off because I missed my husband, I’ve never been this emotional. I’m excited to go home But it’s clouded with tears of being homesick.

my "mother" not putting effort into understanding me, I wish it could have been different but it never will. I think that’s why it hurts so much, too many high expectations. thinking I could be redeemed in their eyes, When only I had the power to redeem myself. Felt like the spare tire in that family. they only needed me when they need blood, organs, or in my sister's case someone to be her surrogate. That’s a whole world of fucked up, but I am so happy that I am leaving the country.

I had to come to terms with everything that happened. as I get closer and closer to home, I’m anxious because I want my husband so badly. airports have emotionally scarred me for life.

I know my husband is taking my laptop away for a while so I can get some clarity. I’m not even sure of what to say right now. only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that i will be reunited with the ones i truly love.

I couldn’t sleep, too much anxiety over all that i went through. the only thing helping right now is trying not to think about it, But my mind still wonders in that direction

I picture myself when I land making it out of UVF, and seeing him I will run to him in tears. I wanna cry so much from how I dealt with everything, But I just didn’t know how to tell him "hey your right, it was everything you said it would be." Even though I didn’t want him to be right. No more, I will not reach out to her unless she reaches out first. How can anyone think what she did was morally okay?

I’m not feeling the best, my stomach feels like it’s doing somersaults inside. I wanna cry again because the memories from Ohio keep haunting my mind. Trying to come to terms with it, "your mother doesn’t care about you, the old man was right about that," i ponder.

Shane is right, when I stop caring what people think only then will things be easier on me.

Good think when I dropped my black outfit charger with the USB-C cord I finally got someone’s help nice Atlantia woman helped me, the blonde chick was so rude.

I have no new ideas right now for What If the first book in a long while. I’m sad to say I think this year will be a slow year for my writing. With nowhere permanent to live yet filing for Shane fear I won’t reach my 4 quarters yet. Which I’m okay with concentrating on the rose and flame series and the Beaumont Academy series is enough for now.

Soo will be flying over San Juan one step closer to UVF and I wanna cry already. I feel whiter than usual. I don’t know why I’m so emotional.

This woman is annoying me with her constant fidgeting she disruption my writing process.

She is in front of me look I know your ass is hurting, mean is too, doesn’t you need to be disruptive to me.

I haven’t written in so long; this old thing machine is confusing me time to destination 18:05 I don’t know what the fuck that means. I know this confuses me so much because Saint Lucia is Atlantic Time Zone so they are only one freakin hour ahead.

It’s so confusing thought of taking a nap I did a short one.

I can’t stress enough I just wanna go home to myself. I am worried what Shane said will happen. His worries scare me because I’ve had enough shit happen to me for one life time I want my husband