Slipping Sands

I woke up at 2:56am, I felt pretty energized and healthy at that time but for whatever stupid reason I felt it wasn't a good time to wake up so, I went back to bed and woke back up around 8am and feel like shit, a complete headache and intestinal pains all day.

I probably could've done more today, but I used it as an excuse to just lay around all day. I couldn't even channel. I used to be able to ride waves on consciousness but I feel lower than a fly with no concentration.

I do feel a bit better about writing today. I think I need to express myself somewhere, somehow. I did think about contacting my ex, but I don't really want to be toxic if he is in a happy place right now. What I really need to do is get some money.

Since I feel better now, and it is evening and more cool, I am able to do what I am doing now, but it doesn't necessarily give me money.

I feel very trapped in my situation, but I am happy for any happy moments I have. Before I went to bed, I got a random feeling of contentment and ease. I was able to feel that up until I slept. It was so nice.

I dreamt that someone was controlling the sprinkler system of someone's yard and something fell from the sky, like an arrow or a drone. My mom's boyfriend had two wigs and told me I wasn't human before disappearing into the floor. I was summoning cats and such also.

I wish I could have utilized that burst of creativity more.

I feel like I have squandered a lot of opportunities recently, just an overwhelming wave of developments but I was so chicken and felt helpless I just locked myself in my room without knowing what to do. I chose the things that were convenient at the time, but I know it wasn't the right thing and I paid for that one way or another.

Oddly enough, I don't think it is the end of the opportunities though. I just wish I will be able to utilize one soon.

I got an email about an orientation I missed a few days ago. They're giving me another chance on July 10th but, I feel like if I missed it the first time, maybe I am not supposed to go?

With all these new problems popping up, I feel like I can't start anything soon. Before I was teeter tottering but now I know for sure.

I don't know if I will ever live by myself again. Don't want to condemn myself to that, just the feelings I have right now.

Part of me thinks I should just go back to streaming or something or make vlogs for no reason.

I mean, so much weird shit happened to me in the last few weeks I can't even process it completely. It was like something out of a thriller movie.

I don't really have much more to write about today. I think I am going to go use the app HelloTalk and join some rooms and talk to people. I actually have several messages I need to reply to, I just don't know if it is the best option, but it does make me feel better at times.

I think, I went off of my schedule for a long time and I found it hasn't really worked for me as much. I know I shouldn't be a stickler for it but I need at least a little bit of structure.