Sleep Was My Only Friend

I hate to be this person but I guess I need to still let this one out. As a child I had no one consistently there for me and sleep was my only friend. Instead of actual objects, people, or make beliefs I had the concept of escaping reality, my reality as the only thing to protect me. I lived in a state of self hate from a young age and it has followed me through my adolescence into my early adulthood and it’s still scary. The concept of hating myself and having others hate me too has built up in this too much of an overwhelming happening. I never understood why. I never tried to find out why either at least not until now. Now that I’m at an age where it’s getting harder to hide away I must amplify my true purpose in life and undertake my fears and conquer them instead. Conquering my fears sounds somewhat easy and then completely difficult all at the same time.

To battle, fight, and win this personal all out war is basically just me adjusting my will for the world and planting a newer more acceptable confrontation that won’t affect me as much by harming me because harmful things, happenings, and people won’t be able to complete their overly wrongful actions due to the matter that evilness shall be prevented. It is prevented by the way of only wanting positive, happy, and purposeful things to happen for yourself and for others. Neither gesture of wanting good for yourself & others resembles an idea of making it in a way where you get attention for pressuring the simplest of simple ways that help make belief the true purpose of what we need to admit. We must… we need to admit… this place wasn’t ideal for any of us yet we don’t do anything to make it more fun or more safe. (It sounds funny reading it “more safe or more fun” but realistically speaking it should still be in that order because we can’t have fun or be relaxed when there is global issues to attend to.) (major reason of why *some* mental illnesses still exist or the matter that we have diverted mindsets and feel distracted for any part.) (all because we (*insert world population* ((such a high number and not enough of us are trying to make or limit the global issues into the possibility of all of it disappearing from our horizon.)) <is my current reason for sleeping the pain away. Even to this day.

The result of me “over sleeping” has not brung me insomnia or at least not yet which surprises the life out of me because I’ve been depressed sleeping for a large portion of my life and my childhood has large gaps of loneliness because if I wasn’t sleeping I was just existing in an exhausted and overly fearful state of being that was way far out of my control. The real problem of having sleep as my only friend is the piece where I can’t socialize or be there for people because I just didn’t have the training time while growing up and it’s slowly destructing my adult life because I am far behind on my years. No one’s fault besides my own. Of course I blame myself but it’s less scary to admit these things now because I know I was trying my hardest to stay safe and that it was a way of me trying to not hit a brink.

Sleeping is still my only friend. Because although I have been through a lot (In my own personal set what I went through is still a lot and I’m not nor would I ever shun the pain of those who did and are currently going through something worse than my own) my feelings towards being alive yet also the feelings of being lonely and alone for most of my days gets me into a state of denial. I like to deny the fact I’m at the age that I am and I like to deny the possibility of why I’m in a strange mental state where I can’t fathom why I’m so immature or untrained or behind on my years and why I can’t fix or get the time back to catch up on my lost time.

It’s because I allowed for my fears, insecurities, and self hate to overtake me and sleep was the only escape I could reach within my grasp to stay safe. But now once you count the days and the time in hours I lost because of my sleep schedule I’m mentally less than half my real age which sucks on my behalf because I can’t maintain friendships or relationships due to my lack of basic human knowledge and understanding. The loss of practice I have because of not being able to spend time with other kids around my age at the time hurts me so badly now in time.

I’m not set up properly. Not as mentally or emotionally there as most ones my age would be. I believe I’ve ever had a pyschiatrist tell me that I have the mind of an 11 year old which stung me because I wasn’t being immature or anything but more rather I was believing in unrealistic situations and happenings that make me get a heart full of sorrow the more I think of it.