Keanna, We Didn’t Die!

LIFE.

Is it a dream or is it a wake up call?

DEATH.

Is it an escape or a trap?

LIFE & DEATH.

Is it a misfit duo or an estranged idea?

I’ll tell the story of my near death experience. It all goes: how I almost dropped dead but was invincible so I kept on going.

The day of my grade 10 year when after my friend groups lunch sesh we were back to school and I was feeling funny. Funny as in feeling heavy and dizzy. Three of my friends were walking in front and me and two of my other friends were in the back row. I was slowing down in my walk and things in my view were turning completely white. Almost as though my picture was fading and there was a distinct fine line between my life’s picture and the view of something else.

I guess the view of something else was the border line of life and death. Where I could have kept walking that day and cave in and collapse on my friends or by my decision of not wanting to do that to them I kept up my strength and love for them and took a seat on the ground and pretended like everything wasn’t falling apart.

That the evil concept of what almost killed me was a heavy weight of my burdens that wanted me to give up so bad that it took a toll on me and forced me into a crucial decision of whether I want to keep going or die on my loved ones.

I chose to carry on.

From that moment on I chose to appreciate life and my life. That the realization of how I could have lost my life in a flash and nothing would have been the same really was a wake up call for sure.

For the longest time ever in my personal set I had not been dreaming real dreams but much rather my dreams were previews of my future and I’m still caught in the prophetic dreams kind of living state.

These prophetic dreams are a source of magic that when researched I found to understand the “you’re on the right track” aspects of it all. So as much as the déjà vu gets repetitive or scary at times I like to be reminded that I’m doing okay and that I still have a purpose for my life to then fulfill for the rest of my days.

The fear of death my heart holds at all and even at an ever still kind of timeframe is the turn around of what bliss really is that then either I would have escaped my troubles by dying that day or that I would have died that very day with hurting armours trapping me into states of my despair where my forgiveness would be long gone.

I didn’t want to cut my losses by dying that day. Not for a second. I’ll say that barely that for even a slight portion of it too. But that was six years ago. Reflecting on my life up until that point has me disappointed and afraid of digging deeper into my problems, traumas, and issues because each day that passes me and each day that did it had me having not wanting to still be here which frightens me to extents where I’ll tug at my past to understand why that day might of still been my supposed last.

I must remind myself and have it registered in my brain that although my days feel like dreams that I still did not die. That I am truly invincible because I faced death and said no. That although my outlook on life was poor and unsteady that I still chose against the most descrete way of ending my life and stood back up feeling as though that my choice was pure and my intentions on surviving was the biggest decision I’ve ever had to endure.

Growing up with feelings that clung to the idea of dying upsets me to a hysterical point where I can’t look up and face my current day feelings as everything I’ve ever tried to express gets thrown back into my face and I’m torn apart because sometimes I forget that my close to death experience really did happen and that I am still bitter for not living life to its fullest!

My ability to recognize the pain and sadness my heart was holding for such a time (16 years) is scary. It’s scary because that’s what led to my path of walking past the “line of survival” and the “I’m completely ready to give up” doors.

Since that day that sometimes I do try to forget about it. I notice an indifferent balance on my scheme of wanting to exist and wanting to hideaway. Because it’s a hard time to accept my fate in the world but to this very day I am standing proud and strong where my efforts are being noticed and makes me glad that I have it in me to keep pushing through.