Daddy Issues

The worst part of my life was when I decided I needed a dominant. I didn’t know the difference between a sexual dominant and one that helps with daily functions so I picked at the idea that I could be sexually dominated and possibly be loved in the right ways but it didn’t work out that way. I guess I was desperate and turned to complete strangers for my own self satisfaction of maybe feeling needed or even wanted. It was a dark era that lasted about a year and a half. With slip ups after that which had torn my possible chance of a lover into two and my actions were atrocious enough to close those doors and reminded me of why I have been on my own and had preferred it that way. Due to my adoption I was raised in an all woman home and my two brothers were in different homes so I didn’t grow up with either of them and I didn’t have a father figure or an actual father to nurture or protect me from life and love troubles.

I couldn’t figure it out enough to allow me to find a dominant in person so I turned to online chat lines. These chat lines were almost the death of me. The amount of uselessness I had in my heart over my life was strong. Stronger than the weight of how much I loathe myself. So I used these sites as a way to I guess cope and get into the rhythm of “being loved.” It didn’t work. I guess you could call me every bad name in the book because the things I put myself through were truly “whoreific” and as damaged as I was when I was doing this my reasons for still overly using myself like that was my fears of rejection and a gesture of complete boredom and loneliness.

These relationships never lasted or were in person. Lucky me right? But I’m not. The amount of times I needed a daddy dominant and the amount of lonely nights I had until my first mistake go hand in hand from the problem of me being stupid enough to chase a make belief concept of loving, playing, and attracting someone worth my time. When I say I had a different one almost every night I mean that. Doesn’t mean I wanted to be hopping around and share myself with so many but when you’re alone and on the brink of a worser off fait than just death. A death you don’t truly wish to fall into but the tendencies of being sullen have certainly shaped me into a massive wreck that just wanted to be accepted by any man that could give me what I was looking for.

When I say I was desperate... believe me. I was beyond desperate and the age, looks, and whatever else I should have cared about when doing those things with and for these men did not matter to me whatsoever. I just wanted to feel loved or even feel as though that someone would ever love me some day. In person and in all of the right ways. It’s not exactly anybody’s fault I pulled such a stunt I mean honestly the lack of love I received from my “forever family” sure did it at times. The idea that if my own like my biological family couldn’t love me at the time I needed it the most well that just explains why escorting and completing raunchy actions were ever something I had done. I’ll be truthful... doing these things were never on my agenda but maybe that’s a reason of why I need to stop being so spontaneous and actually I don’t know plan things through or at least look deeper into whatever commitment or whatever I’m trying to do in a better context.

It’s been a lonely ride for me. I don’t know what to call it over something more than loneliness because I need to forgive myself already. I’m upset and I’m hurt that I felt so unloved I had to resort to being an “online whore”. I regret all of it. The amount of times I tried to stop myself but still did another night of being some strangers “slut” is beyond my current control of if I ever actually will forgive myself. It was more than nude pictures and dirty talk. It was my try at being sexual and I’m disappointed in myself for not doing it any sooner by trying to attract the right kind of guy in my life. I didn’t date in school. No high school sweetheart for me. That’s probably why I turned to the internet and tried for a digital lover. But it was never love. I had not loved these men emotionally or even sexually at that actually. I was selfish. I was only thinking of myself and making it through the night. For the most part I didn’t even get to know any of them. Their name, their age, their story or their face even. It was all I don’t know what to call it but it draws me to the conclusion of why I tried so hard and went through so many and so desperately tried to find a suitable one that I could actually be with. Instead it created a mess I’m still scared to look back into.

The saddest part though is I was only begging for attention. Living a life where I ignored my own self and had zero cares for my well-being or for my reputation. It resulted in me clinging to anybody willing to be there and let each other use each other and running away from them when I decide I had have had enough all at the same speed into an extreme measure of what else could I have done? Loneliness is a silent killer and although my sleep schedule was at an ultimate high due to me sleeping my time away to stay safe I still fell into this deep depression that I could not run from. When I say I slept a lot it is no lie. I would skip class just to sleep in. Nearly every day I would come home from school and take a nap that realistically was more like a six hour after school sleep and then I’d still be able to sleep the night through until morning just to decide to skip school and sleep more.

I hate myself for allowing my issues to get me like that. I mean I didn’t and never had wanted to use people for my own benefit. So I still feel terrible by the matter that I ever still did and it’s escalating into my decision of when I’m ready to really meet a guy and have him love me and let me return that love in ways I’m still too useless to know or practice in ways where I’ll be ready for when it’s my turn to reach that loneliness finish line. Because not only was I hunting for myself to finally be loved I wanted so much to just love someone. To love and be in love. In all the ways that could correct and cancel my hidden feelings of being so unloved.